Girlfriend was recently disfellowshipped

by kgav8r 25 Replies latest members private

• 

  LovesDubs

  I dont know of anyone who has been disfellowshipped for merely having a worldly boyfriend. If you guys were sleeping together or she was over at your apartment overnight even if you WERENT sleeping together, that would be grounds for DFing and there would have to be proof of that happening. It wasnt JUST because you are not a JW. I know many who married nonJWs. They lost priviledges for awhile in the hall, but they were not DFd for it.

  If her family are all JWs then the JW organization will constantly be coming between you even if you do hook up. It will always be in her mind that she should go back...and she will will lose her family and all the friends she had in the organization. Poof! Gone. vs being with you. She will raise your children JWs. There will be no holiday, no birthdays, no school activities for your children. You need to remember that. Thats a reality.

  However I have known good solid JWs who were both married to other people, had an affair and abandoned their families for each other and shacked up in hotels for months and months before getting caught. They were both disfellowshipped. THey both got divorces (only allowed on the grounds of adultery or fornication) and married each other. They both sought re-instatement and continued to go to meetings and playing the humble pie game and were BOTH REINSTATED! So...they got their cake and ate it too.

  Its a big game. There are many many MANY young men and women who were forced to get baptised because of pressure from the family who have gone outside the organization to find love...because the life of the JWs is not fulfilling. And so your situation is rampant.

  Welcome to the board. Let us know how it goes.

  Loves
• 

  kgav8r

  Wow Loves, I didn't realize that it was such a problem. I just feel so alone, i guess. I was curious if anyone else had a similar experience. If you have been through something like this, post your story. Let me know how it all turned out. I appreciate everyones comments, even those that might seem to me negative. every little bit helps. Thank you all so much!!

  KG
• 

  kgav8r

  Well, lunch is over. Finally after 1 week, i saw my love face to face. It went very well and we limited it to small talk mostly. Honestly that's what i have missed most this past week. I've just needed someone to talk to about the other things in my life. Religion and our situation was not mentioned once. Let me take that back. She did kind of allude to it by telling me her best friend, a JW, stopped by yesterday afternoon. She is really taking it hard, too. That's a different part of the story, and somewhat long. I won't discuss it here unless you all request it. Keep the comments and thoughts coming, i appreciate it all!!!

  KG
• 

  candidlynuts

  i'm glad you had a good lunch.

  feel free to discuss and ask opinions ..you dont gotta take advice thats given but you do get a wide range of it here!
• 

  AudeSapere

  Hi Kgav8r -

  Welcome to JWD. There are SOO many in your position - you would not believe. We get probably one a week with a similar. There's a special section where many of these stories (and responses) are recorded. I'll find the link and post it for you.

  I'm a bit curious about what the friend had to say. Please share, if you feel comfortable.

  -Aude.
• 

  AudeSapere

  Here's the link:

  http://www.jehovahs-witness.com/32/77159/1.ashx

  It's a little old, but the situations should sound familiar to you. There are many more recent ones but they haven't been moved to the 'Best Of' category - yet.

  This is a great site for you to learn more about what your girlfriend thinks and feels. Realize, though, that most of us have been in the organization but most of us have left - for various reasons. Enjoy your time here. It's my favorite site on the net.

  -Aude.
• 

  kgav8r

  well, I don't know the details of the conversation on Monday with her friend. I know that she is very hurt and probably feels much the same as i do. It's probably worse for her, because she is not even supposed to try to talk to my girlfriend. At least i can make attempts. She told me one time that she has tried so hard to hate me, but can't because of my genuine love for my girlfriend. We have all kind of grown as a "family" of sorts, it seems like we were always dragging her friend along with us, which has also caused some trouble for her. I must admit that i got a bit attached to her as well. I have yet to speak to her. I don't know if i should. She has other issues, too. I don't feel comfortable discussing her situation entirely.
• 

  serotonin_wraith

  I would hate it if blackmail was used on your girlfriend by the JWs - come back or lose your friends and family. To put her in the position of having to choose between them or you is completely wrong, and with that much of a burden she may choose them. But those friendships can't be real if they hang on the thread of what her religious beliefs are, I hope she gets to see that.

  Hmm, what am I saying, IF blackmail is used. It is blackmail.
• 

  kgav8r

  It has now been a week since the announcement of my love's DFing. Things are progressing slowly at this stage. It's almost like we are starting over, kind of. I haven't been to her house in two weeks. We text each other more than we call, but i still call her to tell her good night and she calls if she needs anything. Saying, "I love you," to each other seems more sincere now. I ate lunch with her today, and it seemed almost normal, just the sense in the back of both of our minds of what has happened. Mostly work related talk and the assurance that we are both doing okay. I gave her money which she needs. That is another part of the story/soap opera that has become my life. I also caused her to lose her previous job. She has just started a new one after being out of work for nearly two months. I help her out in whatever she needs. For those interested, she worked security for the company with which i am employed. She was a contracted employee, i worked for the client. Basically, relationships of this nature were forbidden since we worked at the same facility on the same shift. Her job was terminated and i believe it was a blessing. She now has a better paying job with benefits and vacation time. Blessing in disguise? I think so.
• 

  jgnat

  Hi, I'm a non-JW who married a Witness. We managed to run the elder-gauntlet, get married, and stay in the elder's poor graces these past four years. So maybe I can help you understand her behavior and motives. First and foremost, you have fallen in love with only half the woman. There is also a cult-personality inhabiting your truelove, and it is this secondary personality who has been treating you so coldly.

  We haven't spoken, other than a few text messages here or there, since. I'm really hurt by these actions. It seems like i have been pushed away by my one and only love at a time that i believed she would need me most.

  My impression is that the Watchtower discipline has plunged your love right back in to JW-land. She will be feeling terrifically guilty. She also may be blaming you for leading her astray. The JW's speak constantly of the "pressures of the world" and Satan tempting good little JW's to come out and play. It is very important that she not view you as evil but rather the loving, sensitive man she fell in love with. I've got some tips below in building up a saintly image of yourself.

  Less than two weeks ago we were setting a marriage date, and now i feel like i've been dumped.

  I'd say her secondary personality is holding sway right now. To keep your sanity, do remember the woman you fell in love with is in there somewhere, missing you terribly. There are two factors working in your favor.

  First of all, the only way back in to JW-land and to stay in their good graces is for her to cut you off and attend meetings. During those meetings, however, she will be shunned, will not be allowed to comment or speak to any other JW, and generally treated as less than human. She must endure this treatment for six months to become reinstated. Few have the stamina. Especially if the person KNOWS there is someone on the outside yearning to give her touch and love.

  Second, she's had a taste of the real HER when she's with you. This primary personality, currently suppressed, will be straining to be allowed free again. You can give that to her, because you remember HER.

  Here's a few tips:

  1. Don't openly criticize the religion. This brings the cult personality to the fore, and you want that cult personality to stay in the background.
  2. Tell her you will love her REGARDLESS of her decision, and you will wait for her. I'd privately give her a year to come back. I THINK she will be back in your arms before the six months probationary period is over.
  3. Text her about the time she's due to come out of the meetings, about once a week, reminding her you love her no matter what, and you yearn to give her a comforting hug and remind her that she is a special human being. In other words, offer the human touch where the society holds back.
  4. Make a list of her wonderful qualities. In intimate moments, remind her of things you have done together, warm memories, aspects of her personality that make her uniquely HER. This brings her primary personality forward and suppresses the cult personality.
  5. Order Steve Hassan's Combatting Cult Mind Control and learn his techniques.
  6. Never, never, never blow your stack about the religion. You will instantly become the devil, and the return of your truelove will be delayed by YEARS.
  7. Don't ever allow her to call you "worldly" or "sinful." Be honestly offended if she suggests this.
  8. Possibly promise to abstian until your marriage day. Absence makes the lust grow fonder. Also, the sacrifice will give you a saintly glow. Abstain even if she BEGS for it. Don't let her slot you in to the "worldly" camp. That will make you the plaything while she's AWAY from the society. You want her to come to realize she can be spiritual AND have her nookie too.

  It sounds from your comments that, by instinct, you are doing things right. I'm cheering you from the sidelines. Being in love with a JW and having to "share" them with the society is one of the most frustrating romances I can think of. For Steve Hassan's book: http://www.freedomofmind.com/