It's judgment day with mum and dad

by sass_my_frass 28 Replies latest jw friends

  • sass_my_frass

    Well, it's been brewing for a long time and I was getting ready for it, but I've finally gotten the shun-for-life from my folks. I was going to visit them in a few months and had arranged to see my non-witness grandparents for a few days too, and invited them along. Here's there responese: (first from dad, then from mum) ************************** Frass Thanks for the invitation but we won't be joining you. I'm sure you understand. Dad


    for quite some years now your father and I have bent over backwards to accommodate your life choices and have had to endure the consequences.

    We did it because we not only loved you very much (still do) and could see you were in a terrible dilemma that required support but also the eventual outcome of those choices meant that it would create a situation in our family that would be intolerable, so our motivation to roll with the tide as it were was to avoid this.

    However that was not to be, as here we are with the inevitable, intolerable situation.

    And here you are, like nothing is wrong, just popping over to see the folks.

    Everything has changed now. You have moved the goal-posts.

    Afterthoughts .. that's what we are now. At least that's how we have been made to feel through all of this Who are we ??We had expected before this that you would have had enough respect and thought for us to get on a plane and come over (as you said you were going to just after the wedding) to allow us to feel confident in what you had promised and had told us when all of your new life became evident back in March 2005

    We have had to accept the deceit and the lies, the disobedience and the disloyalty toward everything you once held as the acceptable and right thing in your life.... but no more.

    No more lies !

    Whatever this family was it will never be again.

    I wake to find your father weeping for his destroyed family. NOT ACCEPTABLE What did he ever do except live and work for his family.

    Our family name that we strived to uphold as representing decency and honesty is no more.

    Jehovah's name is now a joke to some of our extended family. Whatever I have strived to do for years so that they may see the truth has been destroyed. I have been in damage control for so long now, but no more. They can accept or not accept who and what we are.

    We've had enough. We're getting on with our lives now, as you are (deliriously we have been informed), without being drawn into having to put our conscience aside to allow your whim or fancy to take precedence.

    Now the next insult.. we have to be informed .. not by you.. but through, as kindly as they can in hints, my two sisters, that you really have no intention of ever coming back to the truth. That therefore means to us. If they can say that, or imply it, they have obviously been led to believe it.

    If you remember, several weeks before we came over to attend your wedding, I rang and told you that if it became evident that you were not living up to the promise that you would restore yourself and maintain meeting attendance you would lose me too.

    So as this is your choice, to tell them rather than be honest with us.. to not at least give us the courtesy of hearing it from you... to not take on the responsibility of the consequences that your actions have now bought upon us .. by way of any sort of good manners and thought for your parents or for your family I can only presume that this is your wish.

    So be it.

    If you want the filthy world you've got it.

    I walked away from it 30 years ago and prayed that none of my children would ever have to be part of it but it would seem you have to learn the hard way.

    It will be without us and if you have retained any remnant of your bible trained conscience, which I doubt, you will know why.

    It has been entirely your choice through your actions. You have always known what the consequences would be.

    You cannot have both worlds.



    So here's what I'll probably reply with: Hi mum and dad; I'm sorry that you're so unhappy and I want to help in any way you can think of. First though we've got to talk. Last time we talked in December I realised that it didn't matter how hard I tried to get reinstated, it couldn't happen because I wouldn't be able to convince the elders that I believe what a witness should. That's when I stopped trying, and the massive relief tells me that it's the right choice. Now that I'm coming into my own and am settled with Mr F, you and Dad and I should have a chance at a normal relationship. You know I struggled for years to find my way and as my parents you must have shared my distress. It's unbelievable that you're going to break us up now, when we've been trying for years to keep things together.

    I'm sorry that we didn't get a chance to talk about this and you didn't hear it from me first, especially right now when your emotions are very dangerous and fragile. I talked about the situation with Nan, Aunt and Aunt, trying to work out the best way to help you and dad find a way to be happy again. They told me to 'stay under the radar' for a while so I did. Not being witnesses though they don't understand the disciplinary consequences for you, so I knew that I'd have to talk to you about it soon. I intended to do that if you contacted me, and if you didn't the purpose of our September trip was so that we could talk. While we're there I also want to spend some time with nan and pop and I invited you not knowing where you're at on everything, but thought that you might still be interested in keeping up the appearance with them that we as a family are making an effort to somehow keep things together. I wasn't sure how to get this conversation started and I guess they decided you were better off knowing now, so, okay - now that you do know, if you want to talk about it we can. You are not by any means afterthoughts, you are in fact the constant thing on my heart. We're not allowed to talk though, so that's why you don't know that. Still, m y choices don't prevent me from contacting you, but yours restrict your freedom in ways you don't acknowledge , like choosing what to learn and from where, and who to have in your life and love. Your choice to cut me off isn't something that I can control or am responsible for. The hurt you're feeling is self-imposed; it's you who shun me, and that make s you feel bad because deep down you know it's an unnatural and wrong thing for a parent to do . So while I'm sorry that you're hurting, I can't do anything about it - you 're ignor ing these messages you're getting and the quiet voice that questions your choices. If there was a way to heal my family I'd do it. I'm not rejecting you, it's just impossible for me to become a witness again and therefore you reject me . The thought terrified me for years. You're my parents and I believe in the strength of our bond, and my love and respect for you made me want to do whatever it takes to keep us together. Still in the end, I can't make myself believe something, and your choice is your choice. If you can suggest any other way I can fix this and heal the family I'll be very willing to do it, but as far as I can tell I'd have to be something I'm not in order to keep the family together ; I can't make myself believe it, can't keep forcing myself to lump it hoping that one day I will, and even if I wanted to pretend to, just to heal the family, I wouldn't get away with it because years of trying have proven I'm no good at that. I know that what I'm losing now is conditional love - I only get to be loved if I affirm your faith. That's probably a hard thing to hear, but it's true. I know you're not really in control of it and wish I could help you with that but it's your choice. What I grieve is really only the family we should have been but never were, and the love that we were supposed to have but was shunted by the real love of our lives; worship of the organisation. We had everything else going for us; we're all bright and creative, we didn't have to deal with anybody's addictions, violence or abuse... but our relationships were always muted by the suspicion that the organisation generated between us and there was no time to develop them because of the constant work required of keeping up appearances. We didn't have a chance. I know what kind of family love witnesses are supposed to have: a few years ago I nearly took my life because I couldn't be the right kind of witness. Mum and dad, I can't believe you'd actually be less unhappy now if I'd done that, thinking that at least I get a resurrection, than you are now with a disfellowshipped daughter, but we know that's what you're supposed to believe. How any parent can be expected to be a part of that and stay happy is a mystery. Everybody has been worried about your deteriorating state for years, but you keep rejecting any offers of help . D on't live your life in a way that makes you wonder what could have been. Make long-term plans for life in this system because you're going to grow older and it will become increasingly harder to deal with. If you don't address your unhappiness you are going to keep getting worse, and you will lose control. You must face this now. The state of our family, the opinion the extended family has of us, and how miserable you are; they're massive clues that you're making a mistake that's going to hurt you . And I want to be around for you to help you and be there for you as you get older. Always remember that you can contact me any time, and that's for life . I've already forgiven everybody for the shunning . That means nothing now; actually it probably sounds conceited b ut one day you might wonder if you did the right thing, cutting off your daughter. So if you do , please contact me . Y ou're about to treat us very badly but we'll be able to work it out : I've already forgiven you . I'll always be glad to hear from you again . You're asking who you are. I think you're brilliant parents who don't know what to do with yourselves now that we've grown up. Still, you now have the opportunities and time to try new things and as there really aren't any other options it's great that you're starting to do that. I wish that whatever it took to make you and dad happy, I could just make happen. I'm so sorry that you're hurting but I have no control over it. It would be impossible to convince six elders that I believe the governing body are god's r epresentatives, that he's going to destroy anybody who doesn't follow it and their children, and that the people left over are the only ones I'd like to spend forever with. There isn't any point wasting their time trying as they'll not reinstate me. Disfellowshipping is described as a loving way of showing me the seriousness of what I've done and encouraging me to return, but it actually achieved the opposite; they couldn't have pushed me further away. I'm glad that I was completely honest with the elders though because at last I'm at peace. Life in 'the world' was clearly very bad for you, but I' ve found that there's none of the fear, mistrust and misery that we were told about. Everybody in my life is just plain good, and I'm glad that they're not about to be judged badly. I always wondered 'what else is there, where else can we go...' but everything makes sense now and life isn't indefinitely on hold until it will get better at some unknown point in the future. E very day gets better. I'm so happy; only for the exception that you're not. My darling mum and dad, you're so deeply unhappy and I want to help. Why do you keep doing these things that make you so unhappy? What can I do? Love always ********************* I guess I had to say some things, but tried to keep it as gentle as I could. I'm out of town this week too, how do they always know the worst times to push my buttons?

  • Robdar

    My heart goes out to you, Sass. What a terrible situation to be in. You are correct, your parents are in pain. You did the right thing in letting them know that you will always be there for them.


  • under_believer

    Your mother seems as though she's making a deliberate attempt to burn every bridge she can find; and furthermore, striking out at you for the pain she feels. And being very specific about the fact that her displaying any love for you is dependent on your displaying love for the organization.

    You have my sympathy. I hope it never gets to this point with my family... but I fear that it will.

  • candidlynuts

    i find it so shocking that your treated as a horrible criminal when all your doing is living your life . how unnatural for a parents love to only extend to their children who follow their parents path.

    i admire your response and i know this is heartbreaking on many levels for you.


  • Lady Liberty
    Lady Liberty

    Dear Sass,

    I am so VERY sorry for all the pain you must be going through right now!! We are here for you!! Never give up on your family no matter how bleek it may seem right now. You never know what may change their hearts!! Until then, we are here for you during this difficult time!!


    Lady Liberty

  • Sunspot

    Dearest Sass...

    I usually try and skip these posts because I get SO ANGRY and it brings back all the pain that losing MY family at the hands of the Watchtowergod and all it entails. Honestly....I sometimes feel as if I will never recover from my experience AS a JW and what leaving that cult has ended up doing TO several people and BECAUSE of my poor choices BECOMING a JW.

    Having said that...I offer my sympathy on all this and can lend all the moral support IN me. Despite the pain of the WILL be more peaceful, more content and more genuinely happy in your life.....what with just stepping out and STEPPING AWAY from the hideous JW mindset. Once you realize that THEY are "happier" when making themselves miserable because the WTS demands that FROM are beginning to heal from the madness that IS the Watchtower Society.

    My very best to you, Sweetie.....



  • Effervescent

    Your Mother's letter is a case study in everything that is wrong, hateful, and hypocritical in that religion....

    How heartbreaking for you to have to read something like that from someone who should love you unconditionally. From the way she talks, one would assume you are now dealing crack or kidnapping children for a living! Your letter in response is very well spoken!

  • Es

    Big hugs hun,

    Reminded me so much of the letter i got, same kind of wording etc....

    Your response was great, let us know if you hear anything back from them, I didnt with mine.

    All the best

    luv es

  • tall penguin
    tall penguin

    Wow Sass, you're an amazing person. I admire your wisdom, love and kindness that you've shown in the letter to your parents. Your forgiveness and maturity are inspiring. I hope I can display the same qualities in dealing with my own folks.
    Hugs to you. I'm sure this isn't easy.
    tall penguin

  • MinisterAmos

    Perfect example of why so many remain witnesses. It's not love of the Org., it's the unabashed guilt and fear of repurcussions IN THIS SYSTEM that keeps so many in chains.

    Just let your folks know you love them dearly and that you hope they become aware of how badly they are being used.

    How could it possibly be "loving" if it causes them to shun their own daughter? I digress, there are good reasons to disasociate oneself eith family members but this is not one of them. Their actions bring more shame on the Dubz than any association with a non-Dub possibly could.

    I had the opportunity to ask a brother why we should be shunning the 25 y/o brother in the back (secret smoker) when our congo has over 50 member in the local penitentatry. Drug sellers, rapists, child abusers, wife beaters even murderers are "good" association while bro Marlboro is somehow evil.

    Fark them

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