How important are your non-witness in-laws and friends?

by happysunshine 12 Replies latest social family

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  happysunshine

  
  I guess I'm hoping to hear others experiences about their in laws, post being-a-witness.

  I was raised a witness, left at 21, my life a bit of a shambles. My family all turned on me, and I basically had nothing, not even a past, as we were forbidden to have a life outside the witnesses, which included relatives, school people, etc. We had also moved around a lot, so I had no community base. On my own and with the help of new friends, was able to build a much better life, although my friends are all pretty transient and spread out now as college age friends tend to be.

  Currently, I live and work overseas, in a very transient industry. Most other westerners only stay a year or so and then return home. I also have a wife and new baby. My in-laws can't speak English, and I can't speak their language very well. There is also the cultural differences, as my wife grew up here and is not westernised. Anyway, to make a long story short, I'm feeling really stretched out lately and going through a range of emotions. I can't help but feel weird about not having a real community or 'home'. Its really starting to bother me that I have not only no past or family I can return to, but also that my present feels so opaque. All of my friends from when I arrived 3 years ago are now gone. And I used to really look forward to having in-laws, a new family, but the reality of the language and cultural barrier is really hitting me now. I often feel so frustrated, alone and unhappy. Recently, painfuly, a part of me wonders if I may have made a mistake in not marrying someone with a stable family that I can join. The life I live now just feels like I am on the edge of collapse too much.

  Experiences? Ideas?
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  happysunshine

  bump!
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  Apostate Kate

  {{{{{{{{{{{Happy}}}}}}}}}}}}}

  Man do I know how you feel! I did the SAME thing only I did it here in the US. As a JW child we too moved around a lot, but I didn't have much of a family anyway, we were all estranged. My father was a very evil man and I had cut him out of life by that time for fear he would do more physical harm. My 1 JW childhood friend was into drugs, self destruction and we lost touch. The other JWs I grew up with had long since shunned me.

  I too had never had a life outside the org up to this point. I still had the org in my head. I was not real active but would not get close to my neighbors etc.

  Anyway I married a man from South America who had a large family, all in SA of course. I was 20. The language barrier became more obvious soon into the marraige. I realized that much of our conversations were really one sided. He pretended to understand our deep conversations. I felt so lonely. Terribly terribly sooooo lonely.....when I realized he really was not understanding me.

  Being raised in Southern California alone creates a lack of social culture. I noticed that while watching American Idol. All the other contestants went back to hometowns that had parades and huge gatherings of local folk to welcome them. The girl from my area, McVee went home to a few family members and a High School rally that was barely full.

  Anyway I made the best of it. I learned the language, and welcomed his family, some lived with us for many years. If he could have met me half way we would still be together. He treated me the way women are treated in his country and I couldn't take any more. We made it 16 years.

  We have three beautiful children and I still care about his family. I am 46 now. Make the best of it, learn the language, and come back home someday. After all these years I now have a large extended family. I have "old friends" that I cherish. Give it some time. Love~Kate
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  happysunshine

  Thanks Kate
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  jwfacts

  My non JW friends were crucial in helping me move on. I built up a good circle of friends before taking to plunge to leave ,and it made a huge difference. I also have two cousins that have left and that helps as they understand where as few other people really know what you have gone through.

  The WTS is truly evil, and the shunning policy proves it beyond doubt. My mother tried to justify her shocking stance before I got d/f, saying that it is normal for families to not talk to each other in the world. I dont agree. For most people I know, family are the one constant in a persons life. Few friends stick with you for life, but family do.

  I don't know what to recommend. You can hope that your family come to their senses, but for now you may need to look at settling down somewhere so that you can build a group of friends.
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  greendawn

  There are many bad people in the world but at the same time there are people that are nicer than the average JW and therefore one can easily make good friends after leaving the devious org.
  
  I had a long fade and the opportunity to find many such people and reconnect with the world before D'Aing.
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  happysunshine

  Thanks for the experiences JF & GD.

  I guess I long for (or more specificaly really need) a sense of family. Most of my friends have 2 sets of family, plus a group of friends, plus their hometown. I don't htink I'm asking too much just wanting a group of inlaws. I feel I need to have a sesne of family that doesn't leave in order to grow healthy.
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  penny2

  Your wife and baby are probably the centre of attention with the in-laws at the moment, which could be making you feel even more isolated. And not being able to speak the language well means you can never have indepth conversations with the inlaws. They can probably see that you are unhappy but don't know what to say or do about it.

  Is there a college or program where you could study the local language? That would put you in touch with some different people as well. You could try getting involved in some of the local customs so that you feel more a part of the community. Also, each new westerner who comes on board is a potential new friend even if it's only for a year.

  Hope you find some peace, happysunshine.

  penny2
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  love11

  H Sunshine- 

  I went through a similar experience when my new family first started out. 

  My husband was loved by his family but I was the newcomber and was kept emotionally distant. He also

  is a different race/ culture than myself and all of their norms seemed foreign to me. The language barrier

  is just that, a barrier. I had to find my own place again in the world to be able to cope. It was very 

  difficult and trying but in the end you have to do what is best for you. For me that was moving. Moving my

  new family brought us closer together because we were all lost together. It sucks being lost and alone. 

  In the end, my family was better off for it. As a family we moved to a place that was foreign for all of us

  and the community became our new extended family. But you have to do what is best for your own situation. 

  I wish you luck, maybe with time you will 'feel' a part of your wifes family.
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  sass_my_frass

  Wow, that sounds difficult.

  The week I got disfellowshipped was the week we announced our engagement! We'd been so stealthy that I'd only met his parents the week before. I've tried very hard to get to know them, but at this time we live a good distance apart, and there is that sort of cultural barrier - I'm a city kid, and they're farmers. So they like me (certainly a lot more than his first wife, heh!) but we're not *really* close. We're moving closer to them at the end of the year so I might have more of a chance. I have realised that I have to consider them my only family now, and that's okay. Our family was always so cultified that it didn't really exist as a family anyway.

  To be honest, besides my darling, I don't really have many close friends. There are two or three people who have stayed in my life after the disfellowshipping and the history I have with them is pure gold. I have some good long-term workmates but I've moved around a bit too much too. Maybe since we're newlyweds it doesn't matter very much, but I have had to make special efforts to build new friendships. I've found that to have good friends, I've got to be a good friend. I've met a lot of great people in the last year and I try to make the effort to invest in them.