Need Some Advice Please

by lovelylil 22 Replies latest jw friends

• 

  luna2

  I have a tendancy to complain and over-talk about some issues myself. Fortunately, I have a friend who is of a similar enough mindset that we can take it out on each other and not totally wear other people out.

  My son won't listen to it at all...okay, he won't listen to me complain about anything. He gets very short with me and brushes it off (like when I complain about my parents, who I've worked with for the past 15 years...dammit, he doesn't let me gripe about them at all. lol)

  I hope, whatever you decide to do with this lady, that it works out for you. I'm thinking that you need to be prepared for an unpleasant scene no matter how tactful and pleasant you are. Good Luck!
• 

  lovelylil

  Thanks everyone.

  I don't mind my friend complaining sometimes. I vent about my hubby too or kids but nothing in this gals life seems good. I think she is still attached to the Org. too. Because every time she sees an old friend from the hall, she gets all excited, even though they don't want anything to do with her and shun her. I really think she is living in the past and if she can move on, she will be less nagative.

  Whenever I try to give her advice she gives me a long list of why it won't work for her. She tells me I don't understand because I am not in her shoes. I can understand that in a way but I have been in extremely negative environments growing up because Mom was an alchoholic and dad was abusive. But I was still not as negative as this person.

  And the things she brings up in front of my kids is totally unappropriate. Like she will talk about what is wrong with her sex life in front of my 11 and 13 year old. Also she mentions the people who are shunning us and my kids were friends with their kids for a long time. So every time she brings it up, it is like pouring salt in the kids wounds. When I told her my kids thought she was mean, she said "thats why they shouldn't be around all the time listening to what we are talking about". I agree but they live here too. And I am a stay at home mom which means kids are around me most of the time. I don't leave them with sitters unless it is family because they both have severe allegies and my son has an epipen.

  Anyway, I think I will invite her over for coffee this morning and try to talk to her. I will bring it up in a way to show I am concerned that she is not moving on. Her family lives a couple states away which does not help the situation. But, she has to join a group and make other friends too and try to work on her marriage I think. All that negativety is not good for your health. I will let you all know what happened.
• 

  Lady Lee

  That's quite a problem

  How can I deal with this situation without hurting her feelings?

  You can't. She seems to have no problem walking all over you and ignoring your requests. That isn't friendship. It is using a person to satisfy yourself.

  As we recover we need a certain amount of retelling. This can help us see where the hurts are and find ways to deal with it so that we can recover. But she isn't doing that. She is staying stuck in a loop of never-ending complaints and misery. A few years ago I had a book called "Addicted to Misery" Some people truly are and your friend sounds like that is where she is - in an addictive cycle of misery. She has no reason to recover because she is stuck in the cycle and as her ear, she can feed on the cycle to keep herself miserable. The problem here is that she will stay miserable as long as she has your ear. You have offered her several solutuons. She refused. You have requested she limit her discussions when the children are around. She ignores you. You suggested some good books and therapy. She isn't interested.

  Do I sound totally selfish for putting distance between us?

  You've done whatever you can to help this woman. Now it's time to help yourself and your family. That isn't selfish. That is caring for yourself and your family. She is the one who has been selfish by ignoring any and all suggestions you have mande to her.

  Just because we have a shared history due to our history as JWs doesn't mean we have enough alike to be friends. There have been plenty of people on this board who don't like me. And yup there have been some I wouldn't want to hang out with - not many but a few. Even when I was a JW there were some I didn't like and wouldn't associate with and I know there were many who didn't like me. But that is OK. We don't have to like everyone and we certainly shouldn't be trying to make everyone like us.

  The WTS taught us that JWs are a untied brotherhood. Because a person is a JW we should immediately trust and welcome every JW into our lives. But that reasoning is false. There are plenty of stories on this board alone regarding how JWs have taken advsntage of others even going so far as to sexually abuse children. Some, and possibly most JWs are good people who want to do what is right. And some JWs are not worthy of the trust the WTS tells us we should have. The same is true in the real world.

  As for your "friend" I would suggest sitting down and write a letter. Put all your complaints into the letter. In the letter include

  • what you have done for her .
  • what you have suggested and her responses to those suggestions
  • what you have requested and her responses to those requests
  • how this made you feel over time
  • how it makes you feel today
  • what you want from now on in your relationship - be very specific

  Be as specific as you can. This doesn't have to be done in one day. But include everything you can think of -- with examples.

  When your letter includes everything you need to say then you can decide to give it to her or to sit down and talk to her. Either way you will be very clear about the boundaries. If what you want at the end of the letter then make sure that is very clear. And don't be afraid to follow through. By ignoring your request she is the one that is bringing the end to the freindship (I even hesitate to call it that)

  With the new rules you can decide to give her one more chance or call it quits. That is your choice. If the only thing you have in common is the JWs then you just might want to call it quits. You certainly do not owe her friendship at the cost of your well-being and that of your children. That is your first responsiblity.
• 

  lovelylil

  LL,

  Thanks a lot. I was hoping you would wiegh in this morning. She is coming by later today so I may try to bring it up again. I have not written things down but will do that before she comes over. I will let you know what happens. Thanks again everyone, I knew I could count on you guys.
• 

  nelly136

  if she cant curb the way she speaks in front of your kids then she has no place in your home.they live there she doesnt and if she doesnt like your kids being around then she should be going somewheres else. stick to your guns hon shes takin the piss.

  i had a *friend* that used to come round here and weld herself to my sofa day in day out, i didnt realise that she was a total vamp sucking the energy and pleasure (and material goods) out of my life until we parted ways, i was constantly totally exhausted and drained. my friends started to avoid coming round if they saw her car outside my house, and other friends told me they didnt want her tagging along with me to their houses as they found her overbearing personality totally offensive, they tried to warn me that she was only using me but i'm a bit of a soft touch so i'd make excuses for the obvious.

  when she asked what my friends thought about her i'd change the subject cos i didnt want to hurt her feelings.

  now shes gone life has been sooooooooo much nicer. it was like a huge weight had been lifted.

  sometimes you have to get rid of the wood to see the trees.
• 

  Lady Lee

  One more thing

  If she agrees to stop talking about the JWs then hold her to that agreement. When you make the request let her know up front and very clearly that if she brings the subject of the JWs up you will remind her of the agreement.

  And then do exactly what you said you will do. Remind her, calmly and nicely but firmly. If she can't stop, suggest counseling and show her the door.

  It isn't wrong to take care of yourself. She seems to be doing that quite well at your expence
• 

  Tea4Two

  She needs to find a Job! Does she have any skills to support herself outside of her husband? Maybe you could suggest something and help her look for work.
• 

  lovelylil

  Hi Tea,

  She does have a job but it is as a Nanny so she is only around young kids. I recomended that she join a club or do volunteer work in the community. That way she can make other friends. I have made numerous other friends in the two years including families I met thru the kid's schools (her kids are grown), my new church, my nieghbors, my hubby's job.

  We are actually invited in July to a really high end wedding in Rhode Island for a friend of my hubby at work. My hubby knew this guy only about a year and not everyone was invited from work but hubby has been a good friend of this guy. Since my hubby is older, he has taken the new guy under his wing. So, it shows my hubby has moved on too becasue two years ago, he would not have done this. BTW, my hubby works in the same building as his old best friend, who is still a JW and shuns my hubby. My hubby NEVER mentions him at all.

  Anyway, I met most of the staff at my hubby's job last year for the first time (although this is his 6th year there) because we went to the xmas party. Anyway, this wedding is the type of wedding you have to stay overnight for as there are "after wedding parties" planned. I am so looking forward to it. The problem with this lady is, she would never go to something like this, she still feels it is a sin to go into churches. Because I suggested that she go to functions with her hubby and meet new people. I invited her to my grand nieces baptism and she would not go to the church. She went to the party though and complained the whole time. People got up and left our table. Now, when she tries to invite herself to my family functions I just say, sorry it is for family only.

  I think she still is stuck in JW mode. But she is in limbo really. She doesn't want to go back she says but is not moving forward.
• 

  Tea4Two

  Hi Lilly, Your friend needs to find a job.....where she is feeling so tired by the time she gets home she will not have the time to think about the JWs, and you are right she is still in that JW mode. She really needs to read the CoC book by Ray Franz to get rid of feelings of guilt. She needs approval or forgivness for what ever it was that made her become DF.
  One more thing....she is not aware of how she comes across to other people.....The DFship thing weights heavy on her mind and she really needs professional help.
• 

  freetosee

  Hi lovlylil,

  Sounds like, your friend is in a terrible if not dangerous situation. This ‘inside-wall’ baffles me many times. Some people I know (I Know there are many more) suffer for depression before entering ‘the truth’ and then they enjoy the love-bombing until a little time after their baptism as highlight of their lives. Finally they again can’t cope with this new-life feeling guilt and failure, because of the constant WT pressure and loss of the lovely attention encountered at first. The elders calculate he/she is more trouble than gain, give their ‘pray and do more service advice’. After this don’t work and the week person gives reason to qualify for disfellowshipping, he/she get kicked out and are good to serve as warning example for the ‘faithful ones’. So their depressed situation is worse triple times, or more as before becoming JW, and is now a great value to the congregation.

  This really aggravates me, because it’s so cruel. And I feel an obligation to help, but get truly exhausted constantly running against this ‘inside-wall’. (I guess the WTS would be happy reading this.) So I feel responsible because I understand, yet realize I can’t take down the wall. I end up getting angry and upset at both the WTS and its victim. So what to do? I accept my limitation and that I am not responsible for the person’s life. One can only help who help themselves. So I speak very openly to them, encourage therapy, as it has worked for me, and am straight forward and strict about it. If the person pulls me down to much, I tell them. There is only so much one can do. It tears me apart sometimes. But I think you are more responsible for your family, you have done (-are doing) what you can to help. You have done the right things, encouraged therapy, books, have conversed a lot, spend hours listening and surly prayed over this. Again, you did the right thing! Your family comes first. Don’t feel bad, its not your fault.

  So we are left to trust in time, because time heals and time tells. That's all I can say.

  Take care, freetosee