Is it easy to fade...??? (page 2)

drew sagan

Depends upon your situation. If your alone I'm sure it's pretty damn easy. Just follow some of the "excuses" suggested here on the board and you'll be out before you know it. If your in the situation of helping family members, prepare yourself for the long haul. Thats of course if you decide to fade. One quick meeting with the Elders will get you right out if you know what to say. -drew

blondie

Fading has many factors affecting the "success"

1) Harder if you have a gungho JW spouse

2) That could be easier if you have a close, caring relationship and respect each other's differences

3) Your status in the congregation; elders and MS tend to be "pursued" more when they fade as opposed to a single woman with "disruptive" children

4) On your personality; it takes patience and determination

5) On your relationship with the rest of your JW family, the distance you live from them, and the depth of your attachments to people in the congregation

6) whether you have children and their ages; their attachments to grandparents, uncles and aunts; younger seems better but teenagers may be aware of the hypocrisy and ready to leave with you

etc, etc, etc

undercover

As usual Blondie hit the nail on the head. If you're status in the congregation is higher than just 'joe publisher' the fade will take a little more creativity and time.

You can expect sheperding calls and you can expect pressure from JW family. If your spouse is a stout JW, it will be tough, if they're in agreement with you, it'll be easier. But other JW family can make it tough as well. Even if you fade you can find yourself shunned by the more zealous types in the congregation and family.

The mistake that a lot of newly dis-illusioned JWs make when they learn that the WTS is not God's Organization is that they want to enlighten everyone with the knowledge that they've learned about the WTS. This doesn't do much more than bring unwanted attention from elders who aren't interested in your new found knowledge but are interested in keeping the congregation "clean". It's wiser to play it close to the chest to keep snooping elders from investigating you as a potential "apostate".

The advantage to fading is that you can keep your family ties and friendships with some in the congregation. The disadvantage is that as long as they think that you're just "weak" some will always feel the need to try to "encourage" you to come back. Even well-meaning JW relatives will make things difficult from time to time. That's why many think that's better to go ahead and DA themselves. Cut all ties and move on. Others are willing to put up with the occasional pressure to keep the family ties. Some refuse to DA because they refuse to play by the WT rules. Each person has to decide what's better for them and their situation.

Sometimes the question is asked, "have you completed a succesful fade". The answer to that is complicated. I've been fading for a few years now, but I got pressured into going to the memorial this year. Every so often a family member feels the need to "have a chat". These are things that I have to be willing to put up with from time to time so that I can not be cut off from them otherwise. I consider mine a succesful fade, I no longer get sheperding calls or phone calls from elders, but just having JW family and friends, the pressure is sure to reappear from time to time.

TheListener

There is a lot of good information here Balaam.

Blondie and Undercover really nailed it.

The problem I've found, after fading for 3 or 4 years, is that you're never truly free. See, at first I thought that wouldn't matter, but as time marches on I realize that I do want christian association and upbuilding discussions. The problem? As a faded one you still aren't allowed to break the rules because regardless of the WTS stance on those no longer associated with the congregation they can always bust you for apostasy or some other sin if they get a bug up their butt about it.

Fading

Pros - allows you to maintain contact with family. Allows you to leave with hopefully minimal problems.

Cons - You're never truly free. You still get encouragement from time to time and can't freely develop your new spiritual thoughts and actions without fear of reprisal.

blondie

Actually, you are never truly free from attempts by JW family and friends to get you back in even if you DA or are DF'd....based on the experiences I read on JWD.

My fading is somewhat different since I have chosen to DF in reverse, I avoid association with JW family and previous acquaintances from the organization.

If you expect your relationship to be business as usual with family when you fade, that is not realistic. There will always be a barrier between you and them. After all the WTS teaches that people who are inactive are no longer on the "ark" of salvation and will die at Armageddon.

I expect that when people get comfortable with fading, they may choose to DA or choose actions that may lead to being DF'd, but then you'll be more prepared for the break having found new friends and activities in your life.

BTW, I set boundaries for any JW acquainntances; no discussion of their religious activities.

I was abused as a child and no matter how much I put distance between me and my abuser, that won't change about me. But it no longer defines everything about me. As I fill my life with good people and productive and fun activities, it becomes a smaller and smaller part of my life. I figure my connections with the abusive WTS organization will be the same.

Blondie

Balaams Ass

Thanks for for your help so far Yes my wife is a is extremely "zealous", but I am still smitten and very much in love with her. So major problems there... Depression is a difficult one, as I am very laid backed and normally happy. I guess that this the start of a very very long haul. I am in the middle of writing my stories, but just carefully editing them. The Ass.

undercover

I expect that when people get comfortable with fading, they may choose to DA or choose actions that may lead to being DF'd, but then you'll be more prepared for the break having found new friends and activities in your life.

Very true. For me, I will not DA for I refuse to play by their rules. But I have made choices and actions that, if known by the right people, could lead to DFing. The reason it hasn't led to DFing is that I keep those activities and choices private or among new friends and associates that I have made after leaving the "truth".

In the back of my head, I know that one day someone from the hall might see me somewhere doing something and they'll go run to the elders and squeel. I also know that I will not attend any Judicial Committee meetings. They'll have to DF/DA me in absentia. As more time passes the less I care what they say or do about me.

But the key is that it does take time. At first it will be a three steps forward, one step back kind of thing. You may even have doubts about the doubts. You might wonder if maybe you're the one making the mistake. All natural processes of freeing your mind to think for yourself instead of having someone else think for you.

willyloman

Excellent comments here. IMO, successful fading depends on two things:

1. Your personal family circumstances; the more "connected" you are, the harder it is.

2. Your understanding of what "fading" is - I think it is not a permanent status but a temporary role you play while you are busy making new friends and developing other interests so that in time your dub status ceases to exist. At that point, you don't care what the congregation does or doesn't do about your membership in their club.

diamondblue1974

Fading can be incredibly difficult or easy dependent upon your circumstances; I would suggest though, it is by far the best exit plan as being shunned is even more difficult to deal with on a familial level.

I began my fade 10+ years ago and I havent been to a meeting in...7 or 8 years; they leave me alone; I leave them alone.

DB74

TheListener

Yes, the fade can provide time to develop outside interests and friends.

But, at least in my case, I've spent my fading/faded time helping my family to see that I'm not a bad person and that whether the congregation decides to df me in the future or not I haven't changed on the inside. The main person I care about maintaining a good relationship with is my wife. By fading I gave her time to digest everything slowly.

A friend of mine once said:

"If you leave the organization you will be pulling the foundation right out from under your wife. She doesn't stand on her own, but upon your faith. You must build a new foundation built upon your love for her/and her love for you and slowly move her over to the new foundation before you break apart the old one. Only then will your marriage survive."

That foundation shift took years of discussions, depression, fights, uncomfortableness and love love love. It's not over but I'm well on the road to completion.

Good luck.

Is it easy to fade...???

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