Dealing with guilt and your own self perception

by Satans little helper 15 Replies latest jw experiences

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  Satans little helper

  Being a witness leads you to believe that if you are less than perfect then you are detached from god's love and are unworthy. It's a very black and white thing - either you are getting through Armagheddon and keep to all of the rules, or you are not keeping to all of the rules and are going to die. Personally I think that is one of the JW faith's greatest strengths and also it's greatest weakness - a strength in that it leaves adherents unable to question their beliefs lest they anger god enough to condemn them, and a weakness in that as soon as you discard one stone in the wall then you are forced to reject the whole structure as you feel damned anyway.

  I spent many years after my disfellowshipping deconstructing and rejecting all that I was taught as a JW, in fact I rejected my whole belief structure without having anything to replace it; for a long time I had nothing to believe in anymore and felt lost. The only thing I had left was a deep sense of guilt about anything I did which was less than perfect and this greatly affected my self worth. At certain times in my life this has been more of an issue than others and has led to me doing things that have been quite self destructive through feeling that I cannot achieve forgiveness for small indisgretions so why control any indisgretions? It also left me in limbo - I couldn't believe in god because if I did then I had to believe that I was damned to die at Armagheddon.

  Something happened recently that left me feeling very low, with a sickened knot in my stomach for days and a racking bout of self loathing. Whilst in a used book store I came across a title by a liberal rabbi which has opened a door into my soul which has helped me start to rebuild a belief in god free from the self conscious guilt that comes from the apocolyptic teachings of the JW's. The book is "How Good Do We Have To Be" by Harold S Kushner and it basically rubbishes any apocolyptic guilt trip religious teaching by pointing out that if god were as great as he is made out to be then would he really be as petty to damn you for a few minor glitches. I haven't been on here for a long time as I wanted to stop feeling like a victim of the cult and I feel that continually dwelling on the flaws of the JW's can hold you back from getting on with your life, but I wanted to share this to help anyone feeling the same guilt issues that I have been having a hard time with.
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  Thegoodgirl

  I agree. I've often felt that coming to this site just makes me continue to dwell in the past. I have all the ingredients to move forward. It's great to have support once in a while, and to help others, but I think I should post less often so that I can move on.

  Book sounds interesting, I'll keep an eye out for it.
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  looking_glass

  Thank you SLH. I think the Rabbi's point is also proven by the story of the Israelites. If you think about the bible story of how often they sinned and yet they were constantly being "forgiven", it is a great example of God's love. I think for humans it is impossible for us to completely understand the concept of unconditional love. But I believe it does exist and it is in God's ability to show it in all circumstances.

  However, it is our responsibility as humans to forgive ourselves. That is where guilt falls. When we blame ourselves, berate oursleves and not forgive ourselves, that is when we allow others to feed into our negative beliefs and confirm our fears. It is only when we are able to accept the fact that we are imperfect humans but that we are given leave to make mistakes and ultimately learn from them.

  Erich Fromm said "Man's main task in life is to give birth to himself to become what he potentially is. The most important product of his effort is his own personality." May we all reach our potential in life.
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  Fleur

  That sounds like a great book, thank you for posting about it, I want to read that one!

  When you talk about deconstructing...I just hear Yoda's voice in my head (no, seriously!) saying "You must unlearn, what you have learned."

  We really do have to find a way to wipe the slate clean for ourselves and start over. I try to think of it as if I were dealing with my child. What wouldn't I do for her to make her happy and to feel worthy of life and love? There's nothing I wouldn't do. So to be kind to myself in that way (still a work in progress) I took a baby picture of myself, and also one of me as a toddler and put it on the refridgerator where i can see it. When I feel bad about something that is a throwback to the guilt-tripping (which is fewer and farther between now) I look at her and think, would I say those things to my child at that age?

  The answer is always no. To quote Dr. Phil, sometimes we have to give ourselves what we can't get from other people in our lives. I think a lot of us who grew up 'in' especially, and anyone who is being shunned, needs to learn how to 'parent' themselves in this way to a point where the guilt fades and you make peace with the fact that you're just doing the best you can, like everybody else in this life.

  hugs

  essie
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  fullofdoubtnow

  Thankyou for that SLH, I will look out for that book.

  I guess the guilty feelings are common to many who leave the wts. Although I know my life is better now I am free, I still have deep feelings of guilt quite often. I have asked my boyfriend, himself an ex jw who has been out over 6 years, how long these feelings lasted for him. He said until one day he did something he would never have done as a jw and didn't feel even slightly guilty about it. He knew then that he had moved on. I don't know how far that day off is for me, so in the meantime I guess I will just have to live with these feelings, and deal with them the best I can.

  Whilst I can see your point about dwelling on the failings of the wts holding back your recovery, I feel at the moment that I need to be on here. This board has been vital to my recovery from over 20 years of being brainwashed, and being here continues to help me. I suppose we all have to find our own way to overcome the feelings we have after exiting the wts. I wish you well in your journey.

  love

  Linda
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  Satans little helper

  Essie, one of the things that has brought this all home to me now is that we want to have a baby and start a family. I don't want to make the same mistakes as my parents and give my kids the same feelings of inadequacy, guilt and trauma as I went through. You are right, part of growing up properly is learning to fill in the gaps, I don't think that growing up as a witness prepares you very well for life in the wider world or equips you to be emotionally mature. It's a journey, one that I am very fortunate to have a wonderful wife to share with, albeit a wife who doesn't always quite understand the hangups caused by a JW upbringing.

  Linda, I was not knocking this site in any way, it helped me a great deal when I was at a phase when I needed to be angry at the organisation. I made some good friends here including someone who has become one of my closest real life friends, this is a fantastic resource for meeting people at all different stagtes in the healing process. For me I felt that I needed some time away from here to be able to continue the healing process without fueling my anger further

  Steve
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  Fe2O3Girl

  Hello Satan's little helper! Lovely to see you again!

  It's a very black and white thing - either you are getting through Armagheddon and keep to all of the rules, or you are not keeping to all of the rules and are going to die. Personally I think that is one of the JW faith's greatest strengths and also it's greatest weakness - a strength in that it leaves adherents unable to question their beliefs lest they anger god enough to condemn them, and a weakness in that as soon as you discard one stone in the wall then you are forced to reject the whole structure as you feel damned anyway.

  I spent many years after my disfellowshipping deconstructing and rejecting all that I was taught as a JW, in fact I rejected my whole belief structure without having anything to replace it

  I think you have hit the nail on the head with this observation. Some XJWs do come to an atheist position; others embrace mainstream Christianity. The most important thing (in my opinion) is that whatever outlook you come to, you come to it yourself, not as a reaction (positive or negative) to JW programming.

  Best wishes to you and Mrs. slh -

  Rachel
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  Fleur

  Essie, one of the things that has brought this all home to me now is that we want to have a baby and start a family. I don't want to make the same mistakes as my parents and give my kids the same feelings of inadequacy, guilt and trauma as I went through. You are right, part of growing up properly is learning to fill in the gaps, I don't think that growing up as a witness prepares you very well for life in the wider world or equips you to be emotionally mature. It's a journey, one that I am very fortunate to have a wonderful wife to share with, albeit a wife who doesn't always quite understand the hangups caused by a JW upbringing.

  I wish you health and happiness on the journey to begin a family, SLH...to Mrs. SLH too! Since you realize that there are mistakes that you do not want to repeat, you're already halfway there, IMO. I went into therapy specifically because I did not want to parent like my parents did. I got a hold of the book Toxic Parents by Susan Forward, and immediately started looking for a therapist. It was a bumpy ride in my early twenties...involved me not speaking to my parents for awhile of MY choosing, not theirs, because I had to learn to set boundaries, and that was while we were supposedly still one big happy JW family. though most JW families aren't really, are they?

  You're dead on right with the fact that growing up a JW does NOT prepare you to play nicely and interact properly with a broad and varied population in the world. It's so sad that we have to learn so much at an older age. But you sound like you've really got it all in hand, and with your Mrs. at your side, even if she can't totally grasp what's going on (and i would recommend that she do a little reading on high control groups, some Steve Hassan, maybe?) if you stick together, you'll be okay.

  Hoping for happy baby news for you soon.

  hugs,

  essie
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  Balsam

  I think that Rabbi Harold Kushner books are valuable in helping people of faith reject guilt. I loved his book "Why Bad Things Happen To Good People" published back in 1981 or so.

  I appreciate reasonable men of faith that see God as loving individual he is just unable to do anything about it.

  Balsam
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  Mulan

  Nuts, I just typed a long reply to you and it vanished when I hit Submit Post.

  The gist of it was, "just do the best you can, raising your children...........try very, very hard not to repeat the mistakes your parents made. Somehow we all grow up and contribute to the next generation"

  We all make mistakes raising our kids, trying not to repeat the mistakes of our parents. Sometimes we do those things anyway, just be ready to recognize it at the time, and don't neglect to apologize to your children, when it happens.