Hi All:
I don't know how some of you are around this time of year, but I'm just really depressed lately, more so this time of year it seems. Why? Because it is nearing the Memorial time and now that I have a son, I am totally lost as to what to do and what to teach him concerning religion. How can I? My own youth was stolen by the WTBS and has made me a total wreck at times. I refuse to do the same to him. I'm not saying I don't agree with alot of the teachings, but I'll be damned if I'm going to make him sit through 2 hours of mind-numbing meetings several times a week, drag him to field service, make him miss sports or activities, and then drag him to District Conventions during the summer in the heat just for him to hear how he's "not good enough," and how he shouldn't plan on having a future or an education. (or any kind of normal social interaction)
Mainly though, I'm completely astounded at the lack of attention or scriptual support my family got when my father became terminally ill and then died several years ago. My mother was told that her 80 year old mother-in law (my grandmother) should be cooking meals!!! My mother, father, and grandmother slaved away for 20 years in the WTBS, and the ONE time we needed a support system all my mother was asked by an elder was, "are you regular in the field ministry?" She was floored, as was I. No one came to visit my JW father, no one brought meals, no one called, no one sent cards, no one sent flowers to the funeral either. Astounding. Even in times of crisis and despair, the only drivel they could come up with was the pre-programed crap about field service. When my non-JW grandfather died in 1989, the only thing a JW asked my grieving mother was, "Was he in the Truth?" LIke him not being in the truth made her love him less!!
More JW-speak is often heard when you are talking about an illness; I don't know how many times I've heard come out of an unsympathetic and uncaring JW, "Well, you know there are people worse off then you!" - Like this is supposed to make me feel better and upbuild me spiritually? What for shit is this?
Jesus said you would know his flock by the love they show and the good works they do. When I was a child (pre-1985), I saw the joy in congregations. Since the mid to late 1980's everything has been going to hell. There is no joy, no compassion. Social get togethers were outright banned in 1985 or so, so no activities are allowed at all. There is no fun to be had, no joy to be shared - just slave away and don't dare bitch about anything or even think of questioning what they say. And Jesus as your mediator? Forget that, the WTBS is now God's very own mouthpiece! No hospitals, no retirement communities, no community centers, no Sunday School for children, no ANYTHING but rules to memorize to get you to conform to being a mindless robot magazine pusher.
I could go on-and-on, but the fact of the matter is I'm at a crossroads. Last year I took my non-JW wife to the Memorial, and people were nice and I talked to some old friends and we exchanged numbers and my wife showed interest, and even declared she'd like to know more. So....we went to a few more Sunday meetings, and we waited for a visit, a phone call, a note in the mail. And then - NOTHING. Here I was, trying to become more active and take interest and even introduce someone new to what I considered the Truth, and no one even gave a shit enough to call to help me! This was downright weird. I mean, what more would I have to ask for? To me, if Jehovah was truly with this organization, I'd see his love shining through and he would be directing me to come back and somehow make things work out. Instead, I have worldly people being more caring (our worldly neighbors brought food when my father was ill and also clean off my mother's driveway in the winter) while the JW's just ignore me and my questions. Is this how Jehovah is drawing me near??? Or is he showing me a way out to serve Him better in a new religion? I mean, I saw an Elder at a community fire hall several weeks ago and he didn't even invite me to the Memorial, I had to ask and almost invite myself!!
The guilt, confusion, amazement (at the events that have unfolded in my life to to JW upbringing and circumstances), resentment, sorrow, and outright fear I have for Jehovah by displeasing him by doing the wrong thing is almost more than I can bare. I mean, it's no longer just me, but my son's salvation I must think about. The last few weeks have been hell, as I have allowed my son to celebrate b-days (he's under 5) and that is all, and it's coincidence with the Memorial makes me feel confused, guilty, and depressed at all once. I haven't been able to share my feelings with my non-JW wife or even clue her in yet because she wouldn't understand all of this as she hasn't grown up like I have. Truly, I feel I have more in common with all of you the more I read your stories and dealings with this religion then with ones from my congregation that I've known for years.
What my mother (fader after my father died) and I have decided after we talked on the phone tonight is that we'd like to get in touch with some sort of ex-JW support group in our area - if even just to talk to others that may have had similar experiences. Maybe that is the first step. I have started looking into similar but less restrictional Christian denominations such as Seventh Day Adventists, who share similar beliefs but whom actually take care of their flocks instead ignoring them in their time of need. If anyone can give me some advice, help me get in touch with some sort of ex-JW support group, or just have some ideas, you can email me if you like. Email me at - [email protected]
Thanks for listening everyone.
Wing Commander