Last straw?

by happyout 24 Replies latest social relationships

  • happyout

    So, my marriage has been in trouble for some time. My husband and I have totally different goals, and ideas of "partnership". The last few months have been even more difficult than usual, he has been out of work, and not picking up any extra load around the house. I skip lunch most days so I can come home early, as he is in a 9 hour a week training program that meets in the evening. When I get home, the house isn't clean, there's no dinner made, and he is usually on the computer. I have asked more times than I can count for him to please help around the house, and he always has some excuse why he didn't or can't. He's in good health, doesn't have a part time job that limits his schedule, but chooses not to help as I ask. In addition, he has a "hobby" that costs us quite a bit of money. He wants it to be his career, but has never made any money at it. For purposes of anonymity, I can't go into details of that it is, but suffice it to say, it's a crowded industry that requires a hell of a lot of skill and good luck, and I don't really see it happening. He has charged lots of money on our credit cards, and even opened a new credit account. Since he's not working, he has been late on at least one payment that I know of, which could begin to negatively affect MY credit.

    I decided to look on the computer last night, to see what sites he has been visiting. Lo and behold, I found out that he has a membership on an adult friend finder site, and has sent messages to various women offering to meet with them. I don't know if he has actually done so, but like I said, he has all day to do whatever he wants and I would never know. The only reason I haven't left already is because we have a young son, and I know it will be devestating for him if our family breaks up.

    I really think this is the last straw for me. I will have to work with my son to help him get over the separation, but I simply don't want to be with this man anymore.

    Any advice? Words of wisdom?

    Happyout - really, really not happy right now

  • carla

    I'm sorry I wish you and your child all the best, carla

  • Emma

    I'm so sorry; I've been there and don't wish it on anyone. Sounds like me, from his being out of work and unwillingness to help, to his free spending.

    Our finances were completely ruined. I've finally mostly recovered from the bankruptcy.

    The kids are doing great. Yes, there is some resentment on their part, or at lease "wishes" that their life could have been different for them.

    You sound smart and strong; you can get through this.


  • ballistic

    Sorry to hear about your problems. I can't believe he's on adult friend finder, the only real members on there are whores, get rid of the scum bag.

  • PoppyR

    I'm sorry that this has come to an end, but I think you know that it has. You dont love this man, he doesn't love you, and he clearly isn't interested in either getting a job or helping you out.

    Speaking from very recent experience I can say it's a difficult and very stressful time, but I'm now a single parent and only 2 months later i find my relationship with my boys has vastly improved, I'm much happier, enjoy coming home from work at night and just feel more positive about everything, in fact I hadn't realised how bad my relationship was until it was over (by his choice)

    The downsides, I have very little money (sounds like nothing will change for you there!) And of course sometimes the total responsibility for the boys weighs heavy. But I have absolutely not one regret.

    Thinking of you

    Poppy xxxx

  • happyout

    You guys are great. I haven't shared any of this with anyone else yet, because A) I'm at work and B) it's hard to really accept that this is the last straw.

    But it is, I won't have any self esteem left if I continue to put up with this, and I will be miserable. I left the Borg to be true to myself, I can leave my marriage for the same reason.

    Thanks for all the comforting words.


  • damselfly

    That would be the last straw for me as well.

    When my ex and I separated it was hard (for both of us) but it was the right decision for us at the time. After a few months of awkwardness/resentment etc we made peace and are now quite friendly with each other. I don't imagine it will be easy with your son I wish you the best.

    Have you talked to your husband about what is going on? Maybe suggest a trial separation?


    *You need to take immediate action to protect your credit as soon as possible*

  • stillajwexelder

    awful news I am so sorry

  • Sad emo
    Sad emo

    So sorry this is happening to you, you're in my thoughts

    I can't offer much help or advice other than maybe try to get the credit card problems sorted out before they get any worse. Are there debt counseling services there who can negotiate smaller payments with your creditors? It's apparently not a good idea to consolidate debt as this can end up costing you more money in the long run. (sorry the only possible ideas i do have are from a UK perspective too, I do hope there's something similar where you are)

    ((((Happyout & son))))

  • Virgochik

    I wouldn't feel guilty about leaving him; he's already left you, in his heart anyway, if he's offering to meet other women. Start getting prepared financially and see someone for legal advice, at least so he doesn't ruin you financially! You poor girl, be strong, you don't deserve this.

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