Oh, how I hate ex-spouses!

by caligirl 24 Replies latest jw friends

• 

  caligirl

  
  Sorry, I just need to vent. My SS will be 18 very shortly. The state that they live in actually allows child support to continue until the age of 21(WTF?) and can continue to garnish wages as long as the "child" goes to school and signs a release form to let the parents access his school records. SO basically, as penalty for being divorced, the state and the ex can continue to butt into a relationship that should now be adult to adult and none of anyone's business. And mind you that they do not order visitation to continue, only that the parent who was non custodial parent has to keep paying. They can also order the parent that had previously had custody to pay a portion of the support if they choose. The support goes directly to the child.

  So last month, the ex gets mad at my husband for refusing to provide her with sensitive personal financial information for applying for grants. Hubby told them that he would contribute cash to help with expenses, but not give her any personal financial information, and that free money isn't needed when tuition for 2 years is under $5000 including extras. ( child is a pioneer who plans to take a useless part time certificate program at community college for very little money per credit) Ex gets mad and files all kinds of ridiculous documents for hubby to have to pay continued support at double what it is now, plus college expenses, life insurance, etc and demands for copies of 3 years worth of check book registers, deposit slips, medical bills and any and all income and expenses, copies of regestrations to vehicles, credit card statements, etc... well, you get the picture. Our attorney tells us we should just hand it over. We say no way. Fight it. WE are still waiting to hear if she is willing to do that or not.

  The most difficult thing is that she is costing as much as the childs first years tuition in attorneys fees. And it is such a waste. She is pure and simple after money. The mother is a greedy bi-polar, OCD, suicidal, borderline personality disordered maniac and needs to be stopped. I just wish we could have afforded a real kick a** attorney that would mop the floor with her. Instead we are stuck with someone who appears to be at this point milk toast because they had a retainer we could actually marginally afford to pay.

  Well, thanks for letting me spout, and it's ok if no one responds. I am just on my 3rd nearly sleepless night, and missed my window to take a pill that would solve that problem for the night.
• 

  jgnat

  Well, I was going to make fun and suggest you modify that statement, because it would include your husband! With ex-spouses, there are always two, and always two sides of the story.

  Sorry you have to deal with that nutty woman. But that is often the way with divorces. People separate for REASONS, and it looks like your hubby had plenty of them. On the plus side, the torture should only last a few more years, and if I read the situation right, all money now goes directly to the girl?
• 

  jgnat

  Another thought. This woman is haranguing your hubby because she has never moved on. She needs to be distracted. Could you post her profile on a few singles sites?

  This must be my revenge week.
• 

  MegaDude

  In the end it's all about what it's going to cost YOU.

  The trick is to divorce your emotions and look at the situation as purely a transaction in terms of your personal costs. However, most people are unable to do this. Thus, attorneys get a lot of work, and so do I. You should see people in divorce court. They will haggle over cheap silverware while paying their attorney $300 an hour or more to do so.

  Fighting in court costs gobs and gobs of money, and sometimes you should fight. Divorce your emotions and look at purely the cost. Can the ex spouse get the information anyway by fighting for it? If so, is it worth spending thousands to fight it just to send a message you don't want to cooperate? What's your limit on how much you're willing to spend to fight it? Can the ex get free legal representation? How much is she spending out of her pocket and how long will she be willing to fight you guys? This is important in whether to assess going to war in the courts.

  Also count the costs in terms of your peace of mind. Sure the ex is a bipolar maniac who needs to be stopped but which is worse, giving her the info or fighting in court in terms of sleepless nights, anxiety and financial worries?

  Good luck.
• 

  ballistic

  This is scary sh*t. I divorced my jw wife when she was found to be sleeping around, we had no children, I gave her half the money that was in my bank account at the time and got her to sign a piece of paper. That was that. One day, I would like to have children - hopefully will never have to go through all this crap you hear about all the time.
• 

  daystar

  The ex seems a bit spoiled to me. Here I am, lucky if I get any child support at all and your husband's ex is asking for all of that... puts things in perspective.
• 

  lisaBObeesa

  What if you guys just changed your minds and helped her apply for the grants? That is all she wanted right? Then would the ex let the expensive court battle go?
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  Mary

  She is pure and simple after money. The mother is a greedy bi-polar, OCD, suicidal, borderline personality disordered maniac and needs to be stopped. I just wish we could have afforded a real kick a** attorney that would mop the floor with her.

  Ya, these are usually the women that are the greediest. This kind of stuff disgusts me to no end. 30 years ago, a man could walk away from his family and never pay a dime. This was (obviously) not fair, so the laws change but they've changed so much that generally, the father gets royally screwed financially in the end. And you can't tell me that alot of these women spend all the "child support" on their kids. For example, I know what woman at work. She clears about $2,000.00 a month. Her husband is a truck driver and clears about $4,000.00 a month. She has ONE child. Her ex has to pay her $1,000.00 child support. To me, this is an absurd amount of money he pays and I know for a fact that she doesn't spend anywhere near that on the kid. (she's a terrible mother to boot) yet she's considering "going after him for more".

  It sounds as though you lawyer is fairly useless. Here's a suggestion I would like to pass along: Contact the offices of a top notch lawyer. Meet with him/her. Explain the situation and see if you can work out a compromise. What can happen, is that the lawyer's Assistant will do most of the leg work, and you can save an absolute bundle. A friend of mine did this exact thing when his loonie-toons ex-bitch-of-a-wife tried taking him to court to get more money. He couldn't afford the lawyer's fees, so the lawyer's assistant did the bulk of the work (and of course, passed everything through the boss for approval). The assistant really kicked-ass in court and he was very impressed.

  Good luck and keep us posted!
• 

  Justitia Themis

  MegaDude makes some valid points...divorce yourself of the emotion and count the cost. The laws in your state are mimicked in just about every state in the union. And, I feel, and it is just my opinion, that your husband in protected by those same laws. As you mentioned, by law, the money goes to the CHILD, not the mother. And yes, by law, your step-daughter must file a FAFSA to attend even a community college. Go online and you will see that this form asks for full financial disclosure from BOTH parents.

  Far from being milquetoast, your attorney has probably given you very good advice. As you walk into court, your husband will be the father who is being non-cooperative in his daughter's quest for higher education. She is simply trying to complete the forms that EVERY student in the US completes, yet the "unreasonable" ( you will hear that word alot) father is blocking her attempts. Your husband's actions will scream more loudly than his words. Expect to see disdain in the judges eyes.

  Regardless of the pioneering issue or any other choices that this young woman has made or will make, at least some education is better than none!

  You didn't comment on the quality of the relationship between your husband and his daughter, but this certainly will not improve that relationship, nor will it make her more willing to accept anything he has to say regarding JWs.
• 

  LDH

  Megadude gave you the best advice.

  Ya, these are usually the women that are the greediest. This kind of stuff disgusts me to no end. 30 years ago, a man could walk away from his family and never pay a dime. This was (obviously) not fair, so the laws change but they've changed so much that generally, the father gets royally screwed financially in the end. And you can't tell me that alot of these women spend all the "child support" on their kids. For example, I know what woman at work. She clears about $2,000.00 a month. Her husband is a truck driver and clears about $4,000.00 a month. She has ONE child. Her ex has to pay her $1,000.00 child support. To me, this is an absurd amount of money he pays and I know for a fact that she doesn't spend anywhere near that on the kid. (she's a terrible mother to boot) yet she's considering "going after him for more".

  Mary I was shocked to hear you say that. My husband and my income together is very large.That's just to remove the doubt about whether we 'need the money'.

  I still receive a good amount of child support from the biological father of my daughter. A couple of years ago I posted the amount, which is more than the lady in your example receives. You say she doesn't spend "anywhere near that" on the kid.

  Does she:

  provide for housing (four bedroom house vs. three bedroom house)

  feed the child

  transport the child

  clothe the child

  see that the child has appropriate medical care

  see that the child has appropriate schooling

  have the child in any 'extra' activities like soccer or music.

  If so, I can assure you she is spending the money. Of course I don't hand my 16 year old thousand of dollars a month in cash. But I have wiped every snotty nose, helped with every sheet of homework, driven to EVERY private lesson practice, made twice monthly trips to the orthodonist for three years, and so on and so on. I have chaperoned, baked, play-doh'd, consoled, encouraged and on and on. I did this as a single parent for 7 years while working full time.

  The point of child support is to provide the child with the same access to the services/support that the child would have if the biological parents were together. States have formulas that they use to determine the amount. My case is in a state which sets the support order until 24 if the child is in college. HELL YES he can chip in for college, having not done anything else in the parenting of said child. Shit, my kid will have her JD degree (Juris Doctorate) by that age if she chooses too. With no student debt.

  Of course you will always have women AND men who take advantage of the system. But the system is there for a reason. If custodial parents could count on the absent parent to provide out of 'the goodness of his/her heart,' we wouldn't need a child support system. It is income based. They don't half the paycheck of a lawyer or a minimum wage short order cook.

  Lisa

  In line for mine Class