Newbie non-JW wanting to help my young DF'd JW friend.... can you help?

by ObservingTexan 15 Replies latest jw friends

  • ObservingTexan

    First.....a BIG thank you to all who answered my very first thread yesterdayabout the "no windows" thing. I realize I am NOT alone in my quest to help my young DF'd friend. Even though I have read practically everything on and and a few others I am going to need some help. Here's a little background followed by a question or two.

    I'm going to call my new friend Dee. She's 19. Grew up a JW with the whole family involved. She's at least a 3rd generation JW.... DF'd, though, at this time. I met her through a friend of mine a while back. She lives with this friend and her 2 daughters. My friend is not a JW so we have Dee living with a "regular" family so to speak. Dee chooses to live with my friend (big house) not out of economic reasons, but because, as she told my friend, she didn't want to really live on her own because she didn't want to go home to an empty house. Even though Dee is young she's very intelligent. She manages a store in the local mall here. I have gotten all of this info from my friend. Dee and I have not spoken about her JW experience, but that is about to change. I see her frequently and in fact, this morning I am taking her to work in her truck (yea... even chicks drive trucks here in Texas...LOL) So I can do some work on it for her.

    Let me back up a bit and share a story. When my friend first told me Dee was a JW I went online and began to refresh my memory as to what the JW's were all about. The first thing that came to my mind was "mind control" after reading a while. Then I read about the pedophile issues and the 2 witness rule thing. I was sickened and pissed off. I then read, more or less, that all non-JW are just a bunch of pagan fools who know nothing about truth and light. Well, I knew that was wrong. So, I began a personal mission. I wanted Dee to see that a non-JW can have a heart directed by God..... loving, kind and giving apart from the mind controlling KH lifestyle. Here's the story... a little something I did.

    A month or so ago I was at my friends house setting up a stereo system she received for Christmas. Side note.... Dee spent Christmas with my friend and her family. Dee was like a kid in a candy store. Everyone exchanged gifts including Dee. She commented to my friend she had NEVER received a Christmas gift in her life. She was so excited about the gift exchange idea she actually went out and bought gifts for everyone. Back to my story. When I was at my friend's house Dee asked me if I wanted anything to drink or even something to eat. I thought, hey... I thought I was a "pagan" in your eyes. I was taken back by her generosity, nevertheless I declined. What I did next "shocked" her to some degree. I am old enough to be her father. I know she knows I am not some old dude trying to "pick her up" so to speak so I did the following simple thing. Her windshield wipers on her truck were shot to say the least. I went out and picked her up some new ones. I went over to my friend"s house and we all sat around the kitchen bar. I told Dee and my friend about having practically the worst day in my life several years back. How I went into a place to eat in Houston and paid the tab for a young couple eating dinner... without them knowing. You should have seen the look on that young couple's face. I shared that story with Dee and my friend to shed some light on my personality... my heart.... and that there are basically 2 kinds of people in the world... "givers and takers". Dee figured out I was a "giver" as I slid the new wiper blades her direction. You should have seen the look on her face! I was opening the door... allowing her to see how folks live outside the "organization".

    I believe the girl is starved for love. Of course, being DF'd her parents who live 1 1/2 hours away have shunned her along with her JW grandmother who lives here. Her parents do speak to her from time to time on the phone.... but basically you could consider them dead as far as any kind of relationship goes. She continues to attend the KH and has shared with my friend that "they don't speak to her" when she's there. Dee went so far to say that if she was ever reinstated she wasn't sure that there are any folks there that she would want to speak to any way. Dee told my friend she believe "all of this" is for a reason. I do too. That being... opening Dee's eyes to what the JW's are really about.

    Enough background. Here is my question.........

    How do you think she views "outsiders" such as myself being a non-JW? She appears open. Am I just kidding myself?


    Joe..... P.S. I plan on working on her truck all day. She thinks I'm going to charge her. I don't plan on charging her a dime. I will suggest she buy me lunch. I plan on bring up the "where are you in life" thing at that time.

  • Legolas
    How do you think she views "outsiders" such as myself being a non-JW? She appears open. Am I just kidding myself?

    Well I can't say what she thinks of anyone but the rule in general is that 'wordly' people are 'bad association'!

    It does sound like she still believes it is the 'truth'...Do you think she would be willing to listen to the truth about the 'truth'?

    There are so many things that you can tell and show her to prove that it is NOT the truth!

  • slugga

    Joe speaking from personal experience I can only say that after being brought up in the org you do tend to put up barriers between yourself and worldly people. As Legolas said we're taught that worldly people although well meaning are bad association, that their habits will rub off on us and bring us down to their level (what ever that level may be)

    Dee's had 19 years of having that drummed into her so she might be behaving the same way. She might however go in the completely opposite direction, I know witnesses that have embraced the world once they've left.

    For me it took months to accept that I was never going back and that the only way forward was to accept worldly people on their terms and that meant no more judging them but accepting them for who they are.

    You sound alright, i wish I had had someone like you around when I first came out, it might have made things a little easier knowing there were genuine people out there.

    Do us and Dee a favour though, tell her if she has internet access there's a whole load of people here in her shoes and that she can pop in and chat any time she likes, even if its just to talk fluff.


  • jgnat

    I would take the approach of mild curiosity, just a worldly person interested in knowing more about her beliefs. Toss aside the magazines and invitations to the meetings, though. Tell her you've seen enough from the treatment she's received not to be exposed to THAT.

    Ask her what SHE thinks and what SHE believes. Ask about HER perspective. Just ask simple questions to start, say, on what she believes about child-rearing. If she slips and says "The Watchtower Says" or "We believe" or "The Organization", remind her you are more interested in what SHE has to say. If she says "Bible Principles" ask where? Look it up together. Read it in context.

    I think maybe an approach like this will give her permission to have independent thoughts.

  • still angry
    still angry

    Approach carefully! Remember that this time in her life is a lot like drug detox...she has been looking at the world through a very filtered lense her WHOLE life, and is just beginning to see it clearly for the first time. Go slowly, and whatever you do, do not get her on the defensive, even accidentally. That can push a lot of newly hatched right back into the egg, so to speak. The last post was really good, look together for the truth in context and let her come to her own conclusions.

    Good luck, and Bless you for having a kind spirit!

  • ObservingTexan

    Thanks for the insight everyone. Even though she does the KH on Sunday and during the week many times she's dating non-JW's and making friends outside the KH. After all, they don't talk to her there.... her old JW friends don't talk to her. You guys know the drill. Her personality is very outgoing so it appears, even though it's frowned upon, she's seeking to meet those social interactive needs outside the KH.

    Yesterday...... when I was working on her truck she had on the seat several WT mags and a hard bound book titled "Benefits of Ministerial School Education" or something like that. I had the chance to glance through it. One thing popped out....the WT's ego is way out of check!

  • jgnat
    One thing popped out....the WT's ego is way out of check!

    Thanks for the first laugh of the morning. BINGO! You are a straight shooter. I am sure your young friend will benefit greatly from your perspective.

    Another thing, avoid the "C" word. (CULT). Don't want to scare the poor dear off.

  • rebel8

    I had some friends during my exit that did some kind things and generally made me realize ppl outside the org aren't as bad as I was told. This was during a time when the ppl in the org were acting as hateful and mean as any I've ever met in my life, even to this day. Just once, one friend said he didn't think the jws were acting at all Christian, and that one time was enough for me to get the point.

    It took a few yrs for me to develop a sense of how to figure out who is trustworthy and who is not. One of the jw teachings is pretty much that every jw is good and every non-jw is bad. That negates any need for developing the people skills to determine who is trustworthy, thus the need for developing that skill after you leave the org.

    Some part of her is probably wondering if your niceness is a trick and is looking for some indication of what you want out of all this. She is probably thinking Satan is trying to lull her into thinking non-jws are ok or that you're trying to get something out of this for yourself (sex). That's why it may be best not to go overboard, just keep being your normal nice self as you've been doing. I wish there were more people in the world like you!

  • sixsixsixtynine

    Observing Texan-

    Where in central Texas are you? If you're near Austin she may be interested in talking to my girlfriend,

    who grew up as a Witness and left at 17 (she's now 30). Just a thought.

    Good luck, Matt

  • ObservingTexan

    I'm a couple of hours northwest of Austin. She might in time like to talk to an exJW. I'll make a new post on what happened tonight at the kitchen table. Thanks....

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