take patience out of the equation - a rant

by Calliope 13 Replies latest jw friends

  • Calliope

    here's my weekly rant.

    and i've concluded i'll probably never meet any of you, and those of you that i secretly know, will never realize who i am, so what is there to lose? i've lost already.

    i'm so g'damn tired. and the thought of jumping back on the monday conveyor belt of work is killing me... among other things. i've drank myself into a stupor, and i've smoked the last cigarette, and i'm high as jane can lead me.

    and for what?

    this life stinks. when does it get better? well, let's be candid here... it doesn't really get any better, right? for those of us who feel this is it. this is all there is. we'll either blow ourselves into oblivion or we'll die and never know the end of this human story.

    i remember when i was younger, and forced into therapy, telling my psychologist, that all i wanted to do was find the exit sign that would lead me out of this world. and that's why i was also in aa, because in thinking alcohol would bring me to the exit sign, i also formed a dependance on the beautiful clear, mind-altering beverages.

    10 years later, i've convinced myself that i am cured.

    alas. no.

    i feel like the cancer patient in fight club. chloe:

    “ i am in a pretty lonely place. no one will have sex with me. i'm so close to the end and all i want is to get laid for the last time. i have pornographic movies in my apartment, and lubricants and amyl nitrate...”

    not literally. (i apologize for the insensitivity). but close.

    i've never really been single before. i feel pathetic and ultra dependant. and i've always been told that i was so patient and independant. but i'm really neither. there is no other choice but to wait. yes you can make things happen. but then there are things you cannot make happen. so what then? patience.

    i'm sick of being patient. so what then? there are only to options left. if you can't wait on things, then subtract that from the equation. and what are the two options? mind-altering substances. death.

    if you don't question these things. then you never encounter these choices. consider yourself fortunate.

    and hence the rant.

    tomorrow, i'll head to work as usual. put in a 9 hour day. skip lunch. come up with some good ideas. chair the team meeting. encourage the new employees. cajole the weak. bs my manager. work out for an hour. head home. think of something to eat. end up not eating it. drink a glass of wine. smoke a couple cigarettes. and end it all with a good ol' bout of insomnia.

    and hurray, let's plan for a stellar tuesday.

    good night and thank you for listening.


  • G Money
    G Money

    I´m sorry, relax, you´ve got friends and support here.

    We love you!!!!!!

  • What-A-Coincidence

    yes. u got support here. When I feel down I always tell myself, "This too shall pass" - mind altering quote ;-)

  • mrsjones5
    good night and thank you for listening.

    You're welcome. Rant anytime you want baby.


  • enderby

    you should read albert camus' "The Myth of Sisyphus". he starts the book by arguing that having a reason not to kill one's self is the fundamental task of thinking because everything else presupposes that life is worthwhile. he compares our lives to Sisyphus who was sentenced to eternally rolling rocks up a hill, and analyzes several archetypes for a quantitative ethics.

  • Calliope

    i'm a huge albert camus fan and have read the myth of sysiphus...
    (i'm also a huge nick drake fan).

    anyway, thanks for the suggestion. i'm just slightly volatile at night, but in the morning, things always appear better.


    of the possibly-bipolar class... (jk)

  • John Doe
    John Doe
    "Our sense of delight is in a great measure comparative, and arises at once from the sensations which we feel, and those which we remember: thus ease after torment is pleasure for a time, and we are very agreeably recreated when the body, chilled with the weather, is gradually recovering its tepidity; but the joy ceases when we have forgot the cold; we must fall below ease again if we desire to rise above it, and purchase new felicity by voluntary pain."

    Johnson: Rambler #80 (December 22, 1750)

    We can't fully appreciate good times unless they are interspersed with periods of depression. Feelings are recognitions of contrast. If we were to live in stasis all the time, what would be our joy?

  • still angry
    still angry

    ha, ha John Doe, I've always loved that theory...

    Why is night so much worse than the morning? Although morning is never too great either. The way I look at it is this: resign yourself to the day, for at night I shall drink!

    Okay, that doesn't seem to be working so hot for me either, but now that it's Monday, hopefully you feel better.

    Sounds like you have a crappy job. You have the Sunday blues. Definitely get a new job. Also, I hope you watched Talk Sex last night, she usually has great suggestions for vibrators. Can I say that on here?

    Hope you had a good Monday!

  • Calliope

    oh that was a good laugh.
    i didn't watch the show, but thanks for the suggestion!!!

  • ballistic

    So Calliope, do you think you might have to go back to aa or are you in control of it? It sounds like you are doing ok if you're still leading such an active life. Personally, I like my drink, but I control it by only allowing myself to drink at weekends, seems to work for me. Although I still am probably doing some damage even now. I know from bitter experience of drinking for whole weeks at a time that alcohol can only lower your mood, bring on depression and raise anxiety in the long run. Once you recognise the after effects of alcohol, it is unmistakable as such.

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