here's my weekly rant.
and i've concluded i'll probably never meet any of you, and those of you that i secretly know, will never realize who i am, so what is there to lose? i've lost already.
i'm so g'damn tired. and the thought of jumping back on the monday conveyor belt of work is killing me... among other things. i've drank myself into a stupor, and i've smoked the last cigarette, and i'm high as jane can lead me.
and for what?
this life stinks. when does it get better? well, let's be candid here... it doesn't really get any better, right? for those of us who feel this is it. this is all there is. we'll either blow ourselves into oblivion or we'll die and never know the end of this human story.
i remember when i was younger, and forced into therapy, telling my psychologist, that all i wanted to do was find the exit sign that would lead me out of this world. and that's why i was also in aa, because in thinking alcohol would bring me to the exit sign, i also formed a dependance on the beautiful clear, mind-altering beverages.
10 years later, i've convinced myself that i am cured.
i feel like the cancer patient in fight club. chloe:
“ i am in a pretty lonely place. no one will have sex with me. i'm so close to the end and all i want is to get laid for the last time. i have pornographic movies in my apartment, and lubricants and amyl nitrate...”
not literally. (i apologize for the insensitivity). but close.
i've never really been single before. i feel pathetic and ultra dependant. and i've always been told that i was so patient and independant. but i'm really neither. there is no other choice but to wait. yes you can make things happen. but then there are things you cannot make happen. so what then? patience.
i'm sick of being patient. so what then? there are only to options left. if you can't wait on things, then subtract that from the equation. and what are the two options? mind-altering substances. death.
if you don't question these things. then you never encounter these choices. consider yourself fortunate.
and hence the rant.
tomorrow, i'll head to work as usual. put in a 9 hour day. skip lunch. come up with some good ideas. chair the team meeting. encourage the new employees. cajole the weak. bs my manager. work out for an hour. head home. think of something to eat. end up not eating it. drink a glass of wine. smoke a couple cigarettes. and end it all with a good ol' bout of insomnia.
and hurray, let's plan for a stellar tuesday.
good night and thank you for listening.