Somewhere past numb~

alamb

As a loyal JW, I was ready for my whole world to come to an earth-shattering halt and for life as I knew it to be gone...at the hand of my loving God. I would sit in school in my mental bubble and numb myself to the world around me. I grew older and entered the adult world and was aloof in my thoughts that I could not attach myself to any workmates or neighbors and put out my hand in friendship as they could be dead tomorrow and I would have to be OK with that. I only remember a life of grey, shades of grey punctuated by flashes of color and emotion which I quickly prayed to get through and to not be tempted by the colors I had seen. I viewed these as a sign of spiritual weakness and dove back into studying and praying and a living death I called "spiritual paradise".

When I had a baby, I asked a friend who was also a father how he could cope with the thought of his children perhaps being taken, tortured or killed in the persecution. He told me he was at peace with that because his child would be in "Jehovah's hands". This was hard to numb myself to and to resign the fate of my helpless child to a God who had never protected me. But I almost succeeded. This was the chink in my armor.

After leaving that life behind I now find myself in an exploding rush of emotion and passion and life. Life the people around me think nothing of but it is almost too painful and beautiful and wonderful to endure. I am touched to the soul at the sight of people holding hands, and cry when babies laugh, and am intoxicated by the beauty around me. I am exhausted at the end of each day with the emotions I now can almost taste and the tuggings and longings I now feel to my bones. I want to see it all. I want to feel everything. I want to thank everyone who had a hand in dragging me from the lifeless shell I was in while I fought them off and never forget that gratitude.

Thank you to the posters here for extending your hands and hearts, the lurkers for your curious spirits ( you aren't seen or heard but are very much felt), and the friends I have made for being the voice on the other end of the phone pointing the way for me, and to the friends I have yet to meet (may we walk this journey together). Life is good.

TooOpinionated

What a beautiful post!

evita

alamb
Thank you for posting that. It was lovely.
After I left the Jw's I was moved to tears when anyone "wordly" showed kindness or empathy to me. I also was touched by normal displays of love and affection. I would tear up when having conversations with people. I felt open to the world in a newborn sort of way.
Eva

Star Moore

How great for you.,.....The people, including myself...cut their self off from feeling, I think you are right about that...Thing I like the most is looking at people for their individual gifts and not as 'part of Satans world'.....

SWALKER

alamb...I am so glad that you can appreciate the world around you now. How sad to have stuffed all those emotions deep down inside for so long!!!

Even though I was raised a witness...I always had a mind of my own and I just never believed that all people were BAD!!! I had close friends at school and later I even had close adult friends that were not Witnesses. When I think back on it now, I guess I just did a really good job at keeping the 2 lives seperate. All my "worldly" friends knew that I was a Witness and they just didn't think twice about it. Some of the Witnesses knew that I had other friends, but they never really asked me about it. I don't know how I would have made it through school without my friends there!!!

I hope each and every day just gets better and better for you....

Swalker

GoingGoingGone

alamb -

That was beautifully written!

This past year has been one of the most emotionally charged years of my entire life. I've left the WT... and I finally feel alive. I think that emotionally, I'm making up for lost time. I feel everything acutely - joy, sorrow, pain, anger, happiness. I must admit, though, that it takes a lot to learn to actually feel, and then deal with, all this emotion.

Thanks again!

GGG

alamb

TooOpinionated; Evita; Star Moore, GGG, and SWALKER:

Thank you for responding.....and nice to meet each of you through this screen. I hope to get to know each of you better. Life is amazing and nothing is an accident....including this place.

jojochan

I had to respond to this.

That was how I felt, and still feel from time to time. I was numb in fact. Numb to the realization that what we thought we knew all that time was right, was in fact dogma that was spit up, again, and again, and again. When I was inside I would look at everyone around me, especially the youth, and think to myself,"How are they dealing with this; what's going on in their minds?" I look to my little brother who has conflicting issues about the collective, but still is at that "numb" stage, and is still in fact asleep and comfortable in his little box.He know I have issues but refuses to address as to why. That post took me back.

in a good reflective way, thanka alamb

jojochan.

katiekitten

So true, so true. You have put words to the demon I have been fighting for years.

I went onto the Friends Reunited website last week (the one where you can find old school friends), and I was truly sad that I didnt really make any friends at school because I was holding everyone at arms length due to being a good witness. I know it sounds stupid, but it made me so sad that I didnt have any friends to be reunited with.

Such an articulate clear post, thanks alamb.

theinfamousone

WOW!!! way to put my thoughts into your words... i dont know if that last sentence even made sense, but its what i feel.... you said exactly what i am feeling now... SO THANK YOU!!!! it is nice to be out, so much greatness, its not all the doom and gloom they made it look... we will be ok now, but if we were with them, we wouldnt have... so glad to hear ur experiencing as much as you can!!

the infamous one

Somewhere past numb~

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