It's a struggle to live a life of dualism. And in being in the collective it is a struggle, everyday. You sought comfort in her arms, Were soothed by her normalacy, and is a wiff of fresh air to you. But if you, like so many others, a 2nd or 3rd gen witnesses, it's a struggle, especially if you believe the dogma and have family in it , and the hold it has on you in your mind it's extreme. Hey, they would'nt understand no matter how hard you may have tried to explain it to them. As long as they are on the outside, they CANNOT understand.
I know, I tried when I was still on the inside...
You say you love them, treat them like a queen in everyway, even when making love to them. But would you take them home to mother? Would you bring them to the next "gathering"? or when others in the collective are just "hanging out"?
If you still don't think that this is a cult, then think about that last statement that I had made.
You know everything about her family, freinds, ect, but still attend your meetings, go out in service, and give public talks? But cannot invite her there to see what you are doing? But have no problem in sneaking her over to your house or apt late at night? Even if you do love her with all your heart and soul, just think.... how does SHE feel? Have you REALLY explained YOUR situation? Ganted some have, and you did, then this post is not for you, but for those struggling with the concept of dualism. Which is an everyday thing for a young adult dub. As long as you are in the inside you will always have this struggle with dualism, not being able to really fit in with the outside world, but as time moves on you'll find that you 'll have problems in having "normal" relationships. Those on the outside don't have to worry about a hebrew god that's going to destroy them when armaggedon comes. You still think that.Those on the outside don't have to worry about being afraid of being cut off from their family just for openly seeing someone that's of a different religion. You have to decide, what's important? Being happy for once with her, or were you playing with her, toying with her emotions, giving her empty promises that you knew full well you could'nt keep? You expect her to be patient with you if you decide to fade? Does she know the concept of fading away? Even if you did tell her, 9 times out of 10 she still would'nt understand, but if you have that one that does understand. You're the lucky one, and I salute you.
But note this:The first point you have to understand is that you have not really lived your life for you.
The second point is, look around in your little box. See how small it is?
The third point is, look at her world, see the infinite possiblities? See what she can show you?
Final point, If this is not a cult....then why feel guilty of expressing the one quality that is REALLY human, and that is ....
Unconditional Love, Love without prerequisites.
I was thinking about this the other day when walking home from work that day. Even though I did tell her of my cult exiting and was with her to no end and was always there for her, she still did'nt understand even if she said she did'nt care and did'nt mind, just as long as she had me. It was the feeling of always feeling that she was never good enough for my family because she was'nt a witness. I loved her just the way she was, and would'nt let be assimilated, no way in hell would I allow that. But now note this, as long as you are in it,and still pratice it and don't tell her about the whys and whatnots about the collective, you will always have the sun in your eyes.
Let go of your fear.
Just a few thoughts from the thoughful, thank you for taking the time to read this.