Cathartic Finish to Painful Memories of Mark

by jst2laws 43 Replies latest jw experiences

  • simplesally

    Sorry, I am using my MAC and the 1st two paragraphs should have appeared in quotes from jst2lawas and I cannot edit my post!!!

  • Bryan

    Sorry to hear.

    It's amaizing the stories we hear about families destroyed by the Watchtower thinking. I helped raise my daughter as a dub, and now she shuns me for it. At least I know she's alive and well physically... I feel so, anyway, I haven't heard from her in a long time.

    I do feel there is something very grand on the other side. What, I don't pretend to know, but this is how I see your brother... in a grand place on the other side.

    My best,


  • Robdar

    Steve, my heart breaks for you. I hope you will be able to achieve some closure by sharing Mark's story.

    How many more must die because of this evil religion?

  • jst2laws

    Dave and Linda and Codeblue,

    Thank you for those thoughts. It didn't bother me too much until I got away from the Watchtower world view and realized what we had done to my brother. My family being inside yet, has no idea that this probably could have been avoided. And Dave, I know I could not have helped with the mindset I had at the time. I guess that is why I'm forgiving of those inside who still have that mindset.


    this one is just sitting on my heart for some reason, making me ball like a baby

    I'm sorry it is touching you so deeply. I have had a lot of difficulty dealing with it today too. But there is no gain in thinking about it unless we learn something, as you stated. I hope you gain something from Mark's experience that will give value to your sadness.


    I have to wait a minute to answer your question. Contemplating it brings to mind some events and words that I hadn't thought about until now. This is not easy to face.


  • jst2laws

    Ok Chris,

    "had Mark been giving out signals he was thinking of killing himself?; By that I mean had he spoken of wanting to die, or even told you of a plan he had?"

    Yes and no. I don't think he had a "plan". I think he had hope near the end because things were going his way. But the night he weakened and drank again I suspect he was only lucid enough to feel like sh*t and wanted to die because he had FAILED again.

    As for the YES portion, before he left to go back home we had an intense moment. I tried to draw him out often and one afternoon we sat in the back of my pickup truck at the edge of the woods, talking. I was in judgemental mode and was telling him what a bad person he was. He cried and spoke about how he missed the early days when I was home and his childhood playing on the street next to our house, riding his pedal car. Since growing up life had become complicated and painful. He balled as he talked about how much he missed those innocent times.

    Knowing what I do now, I think he was contemplating giving up at that time. I'm not feeling bad about his decisions, I'm feeling bad about my decisions and the way I treated him. I was a damn, self righteous WT jerk.


    I'm working on a response to you but I have to take a short break. I can hardly see the key board and I have a terrific head ache. I'll be back.


  • LittleToe


  • dinah

    Steve, Mark's story made me cry also. The pain that is felt when you are rejected because you cant measure up is something I can't put into words. Some of us drink, drug, do whatever we feel we have to do to get some relief. The thing with alcohol is the relief is very shortlived--and double pain comes back tomorrow--when that whollop of guilt hits you. You shouldn't heap too much blame on yourself. You honestly were doing what you had been taught your entire life. You didn't know any better at the time. One day you and Mark will be reunited (I firmly believe that) and you can deal with that pain together. My only wish is that somehow "Jehovah's mouthpiece" will be held accountable.

  • jst2laws


    Even at 30 years old, his parents were still trying to make him tow the line and SO WAS I.

    if his own wife didn't tell the elders on him and supported him instead to live a good life

    Well, we with regrets do wonder. However, your thoughts help me see, as Chris, Dave and others are saying, that we shouldn't take on more responsibility than is due. People around us respond to circumstances and make decisions that only they can be accountable for. Your involvement in your husband's problems as my involvement in my brother's, is secondary. And our decisions were based on the poor mindset cultivated in us by the mindless institution. We were duped. We are out now. I hope your life is good, Sally.


    I'm sorry about your daughter. Maybe she will come around some day.


    Steve, my heart breaks for you. I hope you will be able to achieve some closure by sharing Mark's story.

    I'm having a lot of unexpected emotions now that I have faced this issue, but I'm sure it is for the better.


    You shouldn't heap too much blame on yourself.

    I'm trying to be balanced. But I'm looking at this more realistically than I had as a JW. I'll get into proper perspective eventually. Thanks for your thoughts.


  • lonelysheep


  • Billygoat


    I need to hear this story right now. And I need to hear the pain it's causing you. Thank you for sharing in spite of how much it hurts.

    I'm so sorry.



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