Will we ever fit in?

by montana96 13 Replies latest jw friends

  • montana96

    This has probably by far the hardest adjustment my husband and myself have had to make. Sometimes we feel like we just dont really belong anywhere. Sometimes we still act and think like JW s even though we are getting together a nice network of new friends.

    My question is, does it get easier with time to feel like you belong somewhere?

    I guess with being a witness for so long it may just take time to fell like we fit in. Please let me know of your own experiences as sometimes it is tempting to just go back and be part of something, although I know we never will.

    Thankyou Mercedes x

  • tetrapod.sapien

    hey mercedes, welcome to the board,

    My question is, does it get easier with time to feel like you belong somewhere?

    yes! and that's all i can really say, but yes, it does get much easier, and much more enjoyable. i have been out for a year, and it wasn't until just about 4 months ago that it started getting easier for me. but that's just me. everyone goes at their rate, that's for sure.

    whatever you do, don't stress about it! it'll fall into place. :)


  • jwfacts

    What you feel is normal. It takes a long time to rewire your brain, to learn not to judge people by JW standards and to be interested in the same things as everyone else. I have heard people say they it took 2 years to fit in.

    I lived a double life for a few years trying to get to know how to be a worldly person, so it is hard to say how long it takes if you do it cold turkey. At first I never had anything to say. Now I am well and truly comfortable with normal people and the last few times i was with JWs i could not believe how pathetically narrow their lives and minds were.

    You will get there. It just takes time to learn who the real you is and what you are interested in. Then you will find many wonderful people with the same interests.

    Tetra, i cant believe it has been only a year for you, you know so much about non JW ideas I assumed it was built up over years.

    OH NO, my post number 666.

  • tetrapod.sapien


    ha ha! LOL, i am honoured that your post # 666 had the word "tetra" in it. nice! :)

    You will get there. It just takes time to learn who the real you is and what you are interested in.

    yes. this is so bang on jwfacts.

    for example (montana96), it took me a while to be interested in talking about politics with people. (well, i am not even that interested in them...) but at first i had this feeling in me when worldly people were talking about politics like "don't you guys get it? politics don't matter!" ha ha! and then i got comfortable with it without having to try. board helped a lot actually. i still don't really care for politics, but my reason is different now. now, when people talk about it, i can converse semi intelligently about it. and at least i understand where they are comming from as a worldly person. i didn't before. that's the difference. same with conversations about sex. now, i can't think of a more entertaining topic among worldly friends. you'll get there.


  • prophecor

    Hi Mercedes X. It just takes time and sometimes, it may take practice. I've had a neighbor on my block who I've allowed myself to reach out to. We fellowship and as regards the amount of contacts, I need to reach out to more folks on my block, but I'll just have to suffer the consequences. I try not to be too stuck up but that's how I come off. I not only have been pre-conditioned to keeping my distance, but because of my own mental health issues, I've kept myself even more screened off from the general community. But that's just me.

    I have found that I can place myself within an envioronment of others, and I've reached way out to connect. I've found, too, that I don't need to fear it oh so much. It takes on a life of its own, but you have to nurture your outside contacts, heavily at times because your so used to being in among those who only live as you do. That's why this board can be such a blessing and a curse at times because you people are the only ones who TRULY UNDERSTAND! I'm reaching out, however, in ways I would have never dared to before.

    And once you get on a roll, you really begin to look forward to and seek out opportunities to bridge with others and to find a bit of unique normalcy in your life. It's like the cops having taken the cuffs off of you.


  • Clam
    OH NO, my post number 666.

    LOL. . .

    I wonder sometimes if some JWs are so conditioned to think that the rest of "worldly" humanity is dangerous, that they have real issues with forming normal friendships after breaking out of the cult.The expression "there is good and bad in all" can be said for both the JW world and the real world. Just consider that you now have the freedom to meet and form friendships with whoever you like. A new "soul mate" may come into your life and you don't have to take a step back anymore and see them as a different species. There are loads of interesting, lovely, intelligent, giving, cool people in the world and opening up to them and their ideas will help wash out the narrow minded fungus that the WTS has cultivated in you. Your future can be very fun and rewarding now, and your anxiety I'm sure will be temporary.

  • KW13

    You suddenly find yourself without structure to your timetable, somedays you feel good, sometimes bad.

    It passes, and you realise you fit in for being you, with friends, peers, family or whatever.

    I wish you all the best!

  • willowmoon
    I guess with being a witness for so long it may just take time to fell like we fit in.

    The difference for all of you to discover is that now you can be your true selves, you don't have to fit a certain mold or follow specific behavior patterns to be part of this society. But you can't change over night, be patient, let the changes happen -- and enjoy the process. This is a society you fit into just by being here. Now you have the freedom to find your own place within this society.

    Work on relaxing your minds so they will open to the world around you. Watch and listen to everything and everyone as a way to learn, let everything flow in. Gradually you'll find what and who interests and attracts you. You get to make the choices now!

    You will find many of us raised in the world to be tolerant and forgiving and loving. You will find many who will help you, without judging you, along the way. Remember, you are allowed to make honest mistakes now, it's simply viewed as a vital part of learning!

    I can only imagine how difficult this transition must be for you all (it's difficult enough coming from the world and trying to "fit in" to the JW society!). You've been raised with strict rules and others to make sure you follow them. It will be scary, you will make mistakes, others will still hurt you. But the joys can help you past the fear and will outweigh the hurt. Welcome to the world. It's a beautiful place to be!

    with love, willow

  • greendawn

    The world is what you make of it, there is everything out there and there is no reason you shouldn't find something that suits you.

    Years of JW mind conditioning take some time to neutralise but it will happen, eventually you will truly believe that the JWs are a lot the world can do better without, ultimately they offer nothing good to this world.

  • Honesty
    My question is, does it get easier with time to feel like you belong somewhere?

    I faded for almost 3 years before I was outed by the ex to the elders and then it still took a year for me to tell them off. It's really only been during the last year that I feel like I belong somewhere. I found it helped the process by telling my friends that I had been spiritually raped by a cult. They don't judge me adversely or act like I'm afflicted with an infectious disease. However, they treat me as an equal and that goes a long way in the healing process.

    Dear Ted,

    You and your demonised cult didn't win after all. There is life even after the screwing you gave us.

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