It's difficult to convey through a computer, but I'm touched by the amount of people who have taken the time to respond to this, especially when this is a board that seems to be geared mainly towards ex Jehovah's Witness support, and I'm a person that's never even been afiliated with the Jehovah's Witnesses. You're a surprisingly compassionate bunch, thank you all for the kind words and warm welcomes. I'm sort of at an unstable time in my life where I'm much more easily influenced than I would be normally, and though I'm sure it sounds really corny you've all inspired me to feel a bit more positively about human beings in general, which I think is a good thing. So thank you once again, I really appreciate it very much.
I think I'm acutally doing better, because I feel more hopeful now than I did even as little as two days ago - and I think you are partially to thank for that, it helped me more than I thought. I've put together a rough plan to improve my life - I saw a councellor at the college I'd been attending for the first time today, and will drop in weekly sessions. As for other immidate changes, I've resolved to care for myself physically more than I have been for the past while by exercising and eating properly - which I hope will make me feel better. As for religion, I think I'll take the advice not to *choose* anything at this point. In the immidate future I'll just attend Catholic mass with no particular goals in mind, and just keep an open mind and see how it makes me feel be there. As for Jeff Schwehm's offer, I am absolutely interested, thank you Mr. Schwehm. I am certainly looking forward to hearing more from you.
On a slightly more long term basis, I went to the Alpha website and I liked it. Even better yet, there are many different classes starting my area in the next two months, so I have some time to think about this. When I am feeling more stable I'll try to make a few friends and maybe do some volunteer work. Finally, I do plan to go back to school, but only after I feel almost fully stable. While I don't really feel capable of having a support system of 10-20 friends like Jgnat suggested, I will try to make at least three *good* friends, so that I don't end up in the same situation I was in before - and I will never invest everything in a single person. Though I do desire another relationship like that, in the end it is probably not worth it, because I'm finding the loss really difficult to deal with. Auntie Jane, you are right, I do tend to care too much. When people that I care about are acting cruel towards me, I usually don't even fight back, purely because I don't want to say or do anything that might hurt their feelings. This is probably not a good thing.
I'm still looking for a psychiatrist, but I'm feeling a bit discouraged so far. It seems every place either isn't accepting any new patients or has a really long waiting list - and this includes clinics. Part of the problem is that I live in Canada. Psychiatrists are free here thanks to medicare, but with all the healthcare cut backs, the demand is massive. Probably there are private doctors that I could see right away for a fee, but I don't have the funds for that at this point. Rebel8, I don't have a doctor of any kind, acutally. I'm waiting to get a physician, but I was desperate and needed some immidiate relief so I went to a walk in clinic - and that's how I got these anti dperessants perscribed to me. Basically I got a 5 minute "asessment" and then got sent out the door because it is a walk in clinic afterall, and time is short and the lobby was full. I looked this guy up on the internet and it turns out he is primarily a plastic surgeon who happens to do walk-in clinic part time - so all in all his credentials in the mental health field are somewhat questionable. I have a lot of concerns about the Effexor that I'm taking (side effects, dosage, other possible medications, etc), and I wish I could go over them with a professional.
But I am a bit puzzled at the AA group meeting suggestion.... why exactly?
Greendawn, you asked about the cause of my depression. I believe the cause of my longterm depression is mostly rooted in my poor relationship with my parents. Without getting too detailed about her condition, my mother was (and still is) severely mentally ill, but has always refused any form of treatment which has only made her problem worse. I think her way of coping was to take out most of her frustrations associated with her illness out on me. For minor offences such as accidentally spilling a glass of juice, in the best case scenario she would scream at me and call me all kinds of names for about half an hour straight, and in the worst case scenario she would beat me with whatever she could get her hands on. At all times she would stay enraged with me for the rest of the day, and sometimes the next day too. For more serious offences, such as C's on a report card, she would lock herself up in her room for about a week and would never, not once, come out. As far as I can tell she ate nothing during this time and was basically starving herself. I was only a young child, and I loved her despite everything, so these experiences were terrifying for me. As for my father, he was characteristically absent, leaving me alone in her hands. I was always afraid of making some minor mistake and making her angry, so I tried to be as innofensive (passive) as possible from an early age. This caused me social difficulties as early as kindergarden. I was afraid of the possibility of doing something wrong, so I ended up not talking at all - not the ideal situation to make friends - and the social handicap to some degree exists to this day. Anyway, I think the hardest thing for me though, aren't these sorts of experiences but rather that I would like to have some kind of positive relationship with my mother, but am continually frustrated and saddened that it isn't possible. She has never shown me any caring or affection, and has rejected my attempts at these things. Furthermore, she has never once apologized or taken responsibility for her actions. I have some sympathy for her illness, and for that reason I do want to forgive her, but it is difficult to forgive someone who does not want to be forgiven. I just keep searching for love, acceptance, and a positive relationship with someone who is incapable of these things, and I think my frustrations with that eventually turned into a mild, premanent depression that ocassionaly got worse when combined with other sources of distress.
This all sounds kinda whiny, so I'm sorry for that. I do keep my problems in perspective though; I know my own experiences aren't really much compared to what others have gone through and continue to go through, and my heart really goes out to to these people. I've looked through some of the comments posted on this site, stories of people like Mscemike who have been through extremely traumatizing things far out of the league of what I've experienced, and quite plainly I'm impressed at your strength and courage.
