First off, I want to welcome you to this board. Please read the best of sections if you want to find out what this 'religion' can do to people. Secondly I want to say that turning to God if you're down isn't a bad thing. Everyone has to find 'something' that they can rely upon and draw strength from.
I know what you're going through. I know that won't make you feel any better, but there it is. I too suffer from depression and generalized anxiety disorder...and I dealth with it for years on my own in this religion. I was told to ask god for help; to trust in god and he would provide for me. Two suicide attempts later (one at thirteen and one at 16) and massive amounts of praying later, I found that this although well-meant advice was slowly going to kill me.
Just how long have you been on these meds? I'm on 20mg of Lexapro, and it took almost 1 month, 1 and a half months to get my 'personality' back. I try to think on it this way...i didn't become this ill overnight so it would be foolish for me to get better overnight. I too am a creative person...I'm a graphic designer by trade and although it was hard to be creative during this month duration...it was a lot harder being creative while being suicidally depressed. You're creativity will come back...but not with or without medication, but getting down to the bottom of why you are so depressed to begin with. I hope that you are seeing someone for this...it is important to talk with people, and since you said in your email that you lost your support net, then it's high time to go see a counselor to at least to have someone non-partial to help you through this difficult time.
Truly think about why you want to join this religion. Do you want to do this to truly get closer to God, or in some desperate attempt to stop the maelstrom that's going on within you? Why does it have to be this radical religion and not some other christian group? You'll find that there are a lot of religious youth groups that are in non-demoninational groups that can give you belonging and purpose without restricting your life further.
Because this is how it's going to go down. You're going to study with the witnesses. They're going to love-bomb the dickens out of you and make you feel all warm and fuzzy inside. You're going to this this is fabulous. This is a cult tactic to lower your defenses. You're going to continue to study and perhaps start attending the meetings. Again, people are going to be so delightful to you you'll think you've lost your mind and gone to heaven. Is this not a dream come true for someone who's lost their friendship base and is suffering from depression? You betcha.
Then they're going to start imposing their rules on you. At first you're going to think it's not that bad...wearing modest clothing, not listening to 'un-uplifting music', etc. etc. After all, you're doing this because you believe it's the right thing to do...after all it's what they're showing you from their bible and their literature. Then they're going to tell you that holidays are right out. Sure some of it will make sense in a purely empirical way, but it effectively will start driving a wedge between your family/friends and your road in this religion. So now they have you even further isolated. Do you think this is a good thing, considering your mental background?
The love will taper off and become conditional. You'll need to start going door-to-door to preach. I hope you like talking to people, "cold-calling" if you will, because that's what you'll have to do. You'll have to sign up to become an unbaptised publisher and take part in the theocratic ministry school, where you'll give a two-person talk with another 'sister.' Again, I hope you like chatting up small crowds. The love will come back again...but soon will taper off. Why? Because they want you to become baptised. And at this point considering your mental state of wanting to belong, to become closer to God, wanting the love to continue, You'll do it. Now the Watchtower owns you effectively. You will have no privacy. Anything you say or do can and will be held against you if there are any witnesses to your actions.
No more dating "worldly" guys. They're going to be destroyed in Armageddon, don't you know, and besides, they're not spritually to the level where you are now. The witnesses have effectively made you a part of their group. You'll look at anyone who is not a witness with a snort of derision because they're not good enough anymore. They're inherently evil and you're pure...it becomes an us vs. them mentality.
And if you think you're depressed now? They'll tell you to rely on god and he'll provide for you. Hmm...
They don't hold much with mental health professionals. Oh, I mean they won't disfellowship you for going to one, but they'll not be too amused either. So it'll have to be a secret.
So you'll keep with the flock. Maybe find a nice Jehovah's witness guy and marry. You'll have a couple of kids, which you'll obviously have to raise in the religion where they by the way discourage secular education. So to go back a bit, you won't go back to college once you join this religion, because that will take away from spiritual persuits...they SEVERELY discourage college education. They pretty much discourage any independent thinking. But I digress. So your kids will grow up in the truth, feeling ostracised at school because they are different (it's bad enough being a kid without having to grow up like this...believe me...I had to go through it.) Your husband will be in control of you in essence...and if you start having second doubts you risk losing your marriage, your children and of course your hope to live in a paradise. You could be disfellowshipped for having doubts and questions...they will shun you like you're dead. Do think this will help your mental state?
I'm making sweeping generalizations here...but I'm pretty much laying down how this goes down if you decide to become a jehovah's witness. You should not make this decision with the hopes that will make all of your depression and sadness go away. That's unrealistic and frankly, dangerous. If you are clinically depressed it means you have a medical condition and no amount of wishing upon a star is going to change that. It's going to take work on your part and probably finagling with different medications to find something that fits for you. It's also going to take counseling to fix what's broken. Then, once you're it a better place mentally and emotionally, then see if its the right thing for you.
I'm not writing this to preach. I'm writing this because I don't want to see you hurt. You're in a bad place right now, but things will get better...but you have to work at it. It's not much, but a lot of us here feel your pain. Feel free to post any questions or concerns. Someone will be sure to respond to you and try to help you out.
::HUGS::
Forsharry
