Friends or not Friends?

by whyamihere 18 Replies latest jw friends

  • whyamihere

    I have a question or an issue if you will..........

    This is about a friend, that I used to have. Now this has been all recent......

    Well when I meet him, and his wife, we became friends. I was always inviting him, and his wife to our house(because we have children and no baby sitters), and I making a meal, or ordering out. I had a great time with them, and so did my husband. His wife was the first real "girl" friend I had since I left the cult. Basically, we all got along, and enjoyed each others company.

    I spent time on the phone with him, listening to all his problems, or just to chit chat. E-mailing each other. Having deep conversations with him, telling him my personal stories, and what not.

    Well him, and his wife divorced. It was a complete Shock! My husband, and I couldn't believe it. We didn't hear from them in awhile. We were very busy with all my hospital visits. I just about a week after I got home from the hospital, from my 3rd surgery. We got a phone call from him. He said to my husband " I just want to tell you before you heard from anyone else, that her and I are getting a divorce". Needless to say my husband was stunned. He went on about 5 minutes telling him he has changed, and he isn't the marrying type. The he abruptly got off the phone with my husband, saying he was leaving for the bar.

    I gave it 2 weeks before I called her. Plus, I waited because I was in a great deal of pain still, and I was still very tired. Well I called her up. We talked for about 2 hours. She cried a bit said it was mutual decision. He changed, and wasn't the same person anymore. Well I cheered her up. Telling her we are going on a trip just the 2 of us. Now her, and I are great friends. We go out shopping, and do stuff all the time. I really like her as a friend. I didn't forget her husband though.

    However, then she started dating my brother in-law. Again, shocked, but happy for both of them. So, I didn't call her Ex up for awhile, and feeling really guilty about it. I just didn't know what to say. I felt kind of awkward. I asked how he was doing when I spoke to her. I then heard from him in a e-mail. He didn't sound like himself. He didn't know about her dating, and I wasn't the one who was going to say anything. I cared about his well being, but I knew he wasn't in a happy place, and wanted to be left alone. So, I left him alone. After awhile, I found out that he knew about his Ex, and my brother in-law, and he wasn't happy.

    Well, anyway he posted saying good bye to everyone. I replied saying that he is missed, and to check in from time to time to know he is alright. Well, he then e-mailed me saying that I need to put myself in his shoes, and consider how he feels about us. I am thinking US? Well, now I didn't do anything. What she does is none of my business, and I am not involved in their marriage or divorce. So told him(in a e-mail) that I had nothing to do with this....and I shouldn't be treated like I fixed them up. Even if I did ...he still made the choice of leaving her, and moving on. What is she supposed to to do sit, and home and wait for him? Then, I ended my e-mail asking him if she was dating someone else would he still treat me this way. He then replied later...Telling me not to respond back, because he will not be checking it anyway, and saying how he now knows who his friends are, and who they are not. Also, he doesn't consider me to be his friend anymore(and my husband).

    I think that is Bulls**t! I shouldn't be treated this way. I guess in all honesty he never was my friend anyway. He probably doesn't know what that means. I think he needs to grow up. I know that it must be really hard to even speak to me since of the connection now. However, I shouldn't be treated poorly.

    Do you I am the bad person? Or, have I done anything wrong?


  • Ellie

    I don't think you have done anything wrong at all, but do you know the full story?

    I take it you've not heared his side of things properly so maybe some stuff happened that you don't know about.

    Give him some time to cool off, he'll hopefully realise he has been unfair and get back to you.

  • mrsjones5

    No you havent done anything wrong. After reading your post I think you've been very fair, discreet, wise to not stick your nose in it. I think maybe he's just hurt and wants you to feel guilty. Don't feel guilty.


  • Spectrum

    From what you've written here I'll say that you have done nothing wrong. He sounds like a spoilt child. I don't want her and nobody else is going to have her either. That's unbelievably selfish considering he dumped her. He might not be the marrying kind but others are.
    I wouldn't waste my emotions over someone behaving in this way.

    Forget it find new friends

  • whyamihere
    I don't think you have done anything wrong at all, but do you know the full story?

    I take it you've not heared his side of things properly so maybe some stuff happened that you don't know about.

    Give him some time to cool off, he'll hopefully realise he has been unfair and get back to you.

    I have heard both sides...not a full 100% However, nothing in his favor. Doesn't matter anyway. 2 people are married and not to their friends. I am logically thinking of what I might have done, for him to be rude to me. Just because he is my brother-in-law doesn't mean I am his keeper. Brooke

  • mrsjones5
    I am logically thinking of what I might have done, for him to be rude to me.

    You didnt do anything wrong. He just wants you to be on his side, even if he's the one that left first. I guess he figures that since youre HIS sil you should be on HIS team.

    But I think you're doing it the right way. Just let him run off to his corner and pout, he'll be alright.


  • AlmostAtheist

    Both he and he ex say that he's changed. Perhaps he actually has changed, and he has a different way of evaluating things now. Under that concept, he would have been your friend before the change, but he may not be your friend now.

    It's a shame, and I would doubt that it actually has to be that way, but if he's perceiving it that way there isn't much you can do.

    But with his own admission that he's changed, I can't see where you bear any fault.


  • schne_belly


    Well, I believe I know who this couple is. Even though I only met them once, I got the impression this guy was pretty lost in the world. Based on his background, I can totally see why.

    I feel for him and the struggles he's probalby going through….. But that is not an excuse to treat you this way.

    If they are true friends, neither would put you in the position of choosing the friendship of one or the other. They would realize that you want happiness for both. You have established a relationship with both of them ,and you can't just drop it like that, just because they no longer get along with each other .

  • jeanniebeanz

    Maybe I missread this, so, I apologize in advance if I 'didn't get it'.

    What occured to me as I read this is that he has really misplaced his anger. He may know that you knew she was dating someone else and didn't come running to him with the news. It may have less to do with the fact that she moved on, and more to do with his perceiving you to be disloyal as a friend in not tattling on her.

    Even though he walked away from her, the feelings may not be completely dead so he's angry and hurt that she's dating so soon.

    Just a couple thoughts. Misplaced anger, terrible understanding of what constitutes loyalty, and knee-jerk reaction resulting in throwing the baby out with the bathwater...


  • ButtLight

    Well, hmm. Just remember that there are always things, on both parties, that you may not know. I dont feel he should treat you bad, but it may all be out of hurt. And because your still friends with his ex, and its your brother in law, probably feels like a knive in his back. Sometimes it just takes time to re-adjust, to see that people make their own decisions, and others around are not to blame. (you back stabbing whore) LMAO just kidding, I love you. Give him some time, Im sure things will get clearer!

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