tetrapod: a year ago today....

by tetrapod.sapien 23 Replies latest jw friends

  • ithinkisee

    I had to take a break from work for a sec and read some posts. Interesting take. Hopefully FreedomLover or I can post a similar post this time next year.

    my witness friends all seemed like empty shells, blowing along the avenue of existence. i was full to the brim. i was really alone.

    This is exactly how I felt. The emptiness (not necessarily shallow-ness) was overwhelming to me. I could not understand how these people could just "exist". One poignant memory is me sitting at the Circuit Assembly being told by the speaker how worthless and insignificant we all are in Jehovah's eyes, and that we needed to be at the meetings and out in service to HOPEFULLY gain Jehovah's approval. I looked around the whole assembly hall and thought to myself, "I'll be damned if I am gonna sit here and be told AGAIN what a piece of SH*T I am (essentially) by these know-nothings!"

    that feeling of being betrayed by jehovah has slipped away at some point in the pervious months.

    That line resonated with me. I go back and forth between betrayal and just brushing it all off. I think that may be because FreedomLover and I have not actually "left" yet. We still have ties - and depend on some ties - to our JW social structure. Last night some JWs had a going away party for us. Yet these were JWs that we would actually have been friends with if none of us were JWs. They gave us a really nice card that had no JW-isms in it - just gratitude for the last 10 years of close friendship and growing together. It brought FreedomLover to tears. The reality of what we are losing is beginning to be more real.

    i want to say to all you lurkers, on this xmas day, that if you let the pain of leaving the truth get better, it will get better. but you have to be brave, and have some spare brain cells, and a little recklessness to get through it all. but you can do it. we all do, here in the world. this big scary world. it seems there is a lot of barking, but not much biting going on.

    I would say on of the greatest feelings I have ever had in my life (and can still recreate in my mind) was the feeling that I wasn't going to DIE at the hands of JEHOVAH for not being at the meetings or out in field service. That feeling is STILL something that gives me comfort as we stand at the edge of this big life-altering move and change. For a good 6-8 weeks last March I was in BLISS knowing that I was alright ... dammit ... I was OK!

    For you lurkers it can be OK too.


  • Van Gogh
    Van Gogh

    Dear tetrapod,

    At this life-changing moment for me I can identify very much with the substance of your writing.

    But what impresses me even more than that is your writing ability: it gives me goose pimples - you are a writing talent.

    Write your novel.

    (Tell your editor to leave out the capitals. It adds to your message)

  • Darth Yhwh
    Darth Yhwh

    Merry day after x-mas Tetra. Here's to your first year on JWD .

  • tetrapod.sapien

    ha ha! what a bender man! wow.... merry gerry xmas! i had a total blinding light on the road to damascus experience last night man. it was heavy. sure, the drugs helped, but it was still heavy. don't worry, i am still a trusty atheist, but damn, i didn't think that spiritual experiences were possible. but they are. you may be at the place where you are convinced that it exists outside of you and the moment, or that it is all inside you and about the moment, or that it doesn't exist at all. but, i had one. and F-me over! it's the personalized realization that there is only one story that you can tell, and that it's a story that no one else can tell. it's not even about the contents of it, or that it is your "own" story about your life. it may not even have anything to do with *you*. it's just a story, that only you can tell. and i guess it becomes yours... mine...... ha ha!, laying there on the road to damascus, in the pain of truth, scales forming on my eyes. but really, it was just 10th ave, and in that way it all makes perfect sense. it makes no sense, and that's the beauty. and jesus, i guess it's not a story to tell as much as it's a song to sing. the trubador, the court jester offering it to the noblemen. but nobody cares, not should they. you know how it goes....

    I'm a-goin' back out 'fore the rain starts a-fallin',
    I'll walk to the depths of the deepest black forest,
    Where the people are many and their hands are all empty,
    Where the pellets of poison are flooding their waters,
    Where the home in the valley meets the damp dirty prison,
    Where the executioner's face is always well hidden,
    Where hunger is ugly, where souls are forgotten,
    Where black is the color, where none is the number,
    And I'll tell it and think it and speak it and breathe it,
    And reflect it from the mountain so all souls can see it,
    Then I'll stand on the ocean until I start sinkin',
    But I'll know my song well before I start singin', - bob dylan

    hey, all you people who responded to this thread: you are guys great man. really, you are. beautiful stuff. thanks for the thoughts everyone. it amazes me sometimes that we all come together like this.

    there is something greatly ironic and trippy, in talking about life, and the paradox of it all, on boxing day, of all days. the human world is a strangely fascinating place, for sure. it's weird, but i feel like saying, "go with jehovah", like my grandmother used to say to me. LOL, ha ha, but i won't....... except i just did, whatever, he he....

    alright. as my friend pam says: "love ya guts". - TS



    hey there....



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