Desperation. The evidence mounted that your faith which you mistakenly built upon men, your entire spirituality, your life, was standing precariously high upon the wobbling foundation of an artfully contrived fraud. Remember the quiet desperation? We have lived a life of quiet desperation. Whether by epiphany or by gravity pulling us down a gently sloping drive, we become aware that things have changed and our world is turned upside down. We now must deal with loss. As loosing a loved one to death, you lost yourself. The only way to emerge from this is to allow yourself to grieve. Do you remember the denial? "No, this cannot be true", "this is not happening", "I'll wake up soon and things will be normal again". But your new reality is the present. This is your life and there is no going back. Do you remember the panic? You cant stay in the fraud, but you can't leave either. Your family, your friends! Everything important in your life is tied to this fraud. You try to act like everything is OK, but it gradually sickens you to keep roll playing as if nothing has changed. You want to scream, you want to cry, you want to tell someone but you can't, they will not understand. Eventually the pain of living this miserable life becomes greater than the anticipated pain of being true to yourself. So you do it. You speak out, you blow your cover, shed the layers of actors makeup and emerge naked as the "bastard". Your closest friend cries "How could you do this to me" or "you have changed" and "you are causing me unspeakable pain". Yes, you have changed. But not suddenly. It has been over a period of months or years, but it is a new you. A better, no, it is the REAL you. Finally. But there is no turning back now. You have to be punished. You couldn't do this without being insane, on drugs, or influenced by Satan. Your friends can't go along with this, nor can they be viewed as having accessed matters wrongly. You have gone bad, that simple. You have turned like mayonnaise in a hot sun. You are dangerous, poisonous. The rumors must be spread to protect perceptions. You have lost your mind. You have turned to the flesh. Sin has become your obsession and you don't care who you hurt. Details of your deviance emerge from private circles. Stories sprout like spring flowers that quickly grow into strangling vines full of thorns. You are such an ASS to them. How could you do this to them. How could you hurt the people you love. Then a flash of memory overwhelms your emotions, the love you have for them. Your times together. Your laughter together. Your tears together. The sharing and the sacrifices. Do they remember who you were? Do they know you haven't changed? Do they realize you are only stepping away from the imitation life but your heart and soul are the same. Can't they see you still love them, yet they respond with hatred and unthinkable accusations. You have no alternative. What's done is done. You must move on. You can't hang on to those who withdraw. You can only hang on to the memories. Even though they murder you with their tongues and hate your very soul, you give them a tearful hug in your heart and move on. Move on. For a moment, a moment to cherish, the desperation subsides, replaced with sadness. Steve
The mass of men lead lives of quiet desperation. Henry David Thoreau
Very touching and well written Steve.
The thing is progress always involves sacrifice and loss leaving friends behind, moving on.
Leaving the Jehovah’s Witnesses is just one spurt of growth but the process continues for life. Where does it lead us to. Maybe one day we will find out!
The rumors must be spread to protect perceptions. You have lost your mind. You have turned to the flesh. Sin has become your obsession and you don't care who you hurt. Details of your deviance emerge from private circles. Stories sprout like spring flowers that quickly grow into strangling vines full of thorns. You are such an ASS to them. How could you do this to them. How could you hurt the people you love.
I would see this happen in the organization. Only now do I see that "I was not of their sort" because I wouldn't jump to the drastic conclusions they would. I truly used to think that people had the right to believe as they wished. If they believed differently than I did, who was I to tell them they'd no right to their position? Of course I thought they were wrong--and I'd have enjoyed trying to re-convince them of my "Truth." But it seemed false and childish to become angry at someone for having such a disagreement. I enjoyed your post, Steve.
That's it exactly.
I think I am in between those worlds and thus that great struggle of being "me"...afraid of the possible losses and labeling
Thanks, and yes, it is just a growth spurt and the process continues through life. Suffering for being true to ourselves is a process that may be experienced several times in life. To avoid it growth so as to avoid the pain is a bad choice for everyone.
now do I see that "I was not of their sort"
I sympathize. In fact, the very minute (23-Dec-05 12:52) you posted the above to my thread I posted to your thread at http://www.jehovahs-witness.com/6/103681/1803772/post.ashx#1803772
You and I would have gotten along famously on an elder body, but that's probably why both of us left.
Where ever you are, we must have a direct energy connection of some sort?
Isn't that bizarre?
Well, I want you to know I very much appreciate the phone calls we had several months ago--when I was much more green than I am now. You were a great comfort. And I'm sure you're right; we would have gotten along well.
Eventually the pain of living this miserable life becomes greater than the anticipated pain of being true to yourself. So you do it. You speak out, you blow your cover, shed the layers of actors makeup and emerge naked as the "bastard".
I see that you too, are a graduate from the Academy of Desperation and Desolation .
Back to exactly to one half of my life, back to the winter of seven years before 1975, the winter the severity of which had not been seen since seven years before 1914, I was living alone in a comfortable country cottage. For quite some days all I could do was lay on my bed with my face towards the wall and everything was black, black, black. Out of that vacant thoughtless darkness, the unsolicited thought arose, you are not totally at fault for the state you are in. At that point a flood of information overwhelmed my mind. The conviction came that I had been enslaved under the commandment of Pharoah: make more bricks, make more bricks and find your own god-damn straw.
Eventually I was led to speak out, you blow your cover.
The words from the quote above, naked as a bastard, remind me of another text from Ezechiel that went through my mind at that period of my life. Although the text refers to Jerusalem, the collective, I could identify with it.
When you were born, no one cared about you. Your umbilical cord was left uncut, and you were never washed, rubbed with salt, and dressed in warm clothing.
No one had the slightest interest in you; no one pitied you or cared for you. On the day you were born, you were dumped in a field and left to die, unwanted
"But I came by and saw you there, helplessly kicking about in your own blood. As you lay there, I said, `Live!'
And I helped you to thrive like a plant in the field. Ezekiel 16:4-7
Alone, Alone, tell me about it. After I started to speak out, I was marked and hounded, pursued, and questioned. The circuit servants at that time had a bounty on my head. David Splane was one of them. Finally in a sting operation, I voluntarily gave the sting operaters the grounds to boot me out.
Thrown out in the field, as a newborn along with “mothers” afterbirth. For me the afterbirth was the mind set of the organization that that threw me out in the field to die there was still traces of this mindset still clinging to me for a certain time until finally I became cleansed from it.
And I helped you to thrive like a plant in the field. After two years of loneliness, a friend, a dear friend, who had told me at one time that when I got disfellowshipped, (which was a certaintiy), she would not be able to communicate with me, wrote me a letter and since then we’ve made a life together along with our two stalwart sons who are now in their twenties.
My wife during years of our isolation, from her family and friends, questioned me often, where are the many who have been promised to those who left family and friends for His name?
They have arrived, the overwhelming and surprising evidence is displayed on this forum,
Belbab, with gratitude.
Do they realize you are only stepping away from the imitation life but your heart and soul are the same.
thank you for this post....really helped me today. probably more than you'll ever know.
Wow. Good to see you again. I love it when you share little pieces of you life here.
I see that you too, are a graduate from the Academy of Desperation and Desolation
Yes and no. Just moved on from masters, working on PHD now.
really helped me today. probably more than you'll ever know. freedomlover
If you want to talk, you can private message me
PM me your phone number. I have lost it.