Someone I cared for has taken her own life. Things between us were not the best lately even though I cared for her deeply, we last parted on bad terms and there wasn’t ever closure. I remember all the things I thought about her, assessing her personality and lack of self worth. I remember seeing the telltale signs of someone who hated what they saw in the mirror every day, and remember trying to help her snap out of that and face who she was. The first time I saw her I saw the woman she wanted to be, and could be, so close to the surface. The last time I saw her that person was all but dead under an excruciating burden of guilt, being tortured by another that had taken over. I always tell everyone I talk to that seems to want to change themselves that it is never too late, but maybe it’s possible to be something for long enough that you can’t ever go back.
She is a victim of the organization, another life they are accountable for. I cannot in good conscience say much more, but they are guilty of creating an environment that allowed things to happen or even directly caused things to happen that changed who she was forever. As she tried to feel good about herself or “forget” the past and move on, she found the hole she was in to be larger each time.
At any rate, she was someone I eventually had pity for, and hoped would find a way to be happy with herself and realize that the past is the past, but the future can be owned. We had a common enough background that many things were just understood. However it was evident when we saw each other again after a long period of no contact, that while I had taken on an introspective approach to my life and my decisions, she was afraid to do that. Any prodding to take a real look or real action about things she didn’t like was met with anger or denial.
Typing this already makes me feel better, and going forward I will take this gift of pain and keep it close, reminding me what could have happened, and what can happen to my children if I were to inflict on them the same pain as done to her. I’ll remember the good things that I saw and learned from her more often than the bad. Maybe the best thing to do for someone who does something like this is to take it and become a better person for it. I’d like to think that is what she would want were she here now.
So why am I typing this? I guess for me it is closure, or saying goodbye to someone who even now in a way has reminded me of who I am and whom I will choose to be. Also it is to let other people know what can happen if we choose to live in denial of our true nature. If we lose self-respect because of things we choose to continue to do, we lose who we are, until one day we see a person in the mirror that we hate so much we wish they were dead, and then in a heated moment of passion or anger, we do something about it. If only we could remind ourselves that after bad days, good days always follow.
If you don’t like who you are, change it, try hard, and if that doesn’t work, try harder. Fight, struggle, and claw your way to the light that is the person you want to be. Don’t ever think you have to accept who you are now if you don’t like it.
And please, don’t ever think it is too late to change the person you see in the mirror every day.