How long do you have to be out...

by jeanniebeanz 21 Replies latest jw friends

  • LittleToe

    Define "this". Do you mean the WTS or posting on an exJW site?

    I was "out" before I got "out", but I'm still posting, in the vain attempt of helping those that are still "in", regardless of whether they are "in" or "out", if that makes sense

  • diamondblue1974

    My exit was 10 years ago and whilst I am more free than I ever have been I dont think I wouldve been as well adjusted if it wasnt for this forum; the reason I stay is because I would like to think that I could help others in the same situation as I was back then plus I still believe there is some work to be done in terms of my own self development.

    I dont think that there is any particular period before you stop caring or giving a rats ass about what we have been through.


  • Legolas
    before you really don't care about this anymore?

    What is the 'this' that you are talking about! .....JWD, The big news, religion..etc?

  • googlemagoogle

    it's always comming back someday.

  • Enigma One
    Enigma One

    I guess when I left, I had a few years to come to grips with my decision. Some here who get DF'd and tossed out on their ear...have to do their "mental homework" after they are gone.

    I think after about 2 or 3 years of being inactive I quit caring about EVERYTHING JW related. When my mom now tells me about "so and so has gotten divorced, so and so has been appointed elder, so and so has had a child" I struggle even to remember who these folks are. I've also simply told my mother, "Mom, I really don't care one way or the other, so please don't bother to tell me." But it is the axis of her I try to be patient.

    So maybe the answer is 3 or 4 years. For some I fear, they will never allow themselves to "get over it" and will simply continue to embrace the warm blanket of pain and suffering, much as they did as JW's. It is their cross to bear.

  • Gretchen956

    For me I really could care less to know all the JW stuff that gets posted on this forum. What keeps me here is just getting to meet others that I have something in common with and the off chance that I might be able to help in some way someone exiting.


  • Narkissos

    At first it took me surprisingly little time. When I was df'd I came back to the KH during a few weeks just to see cherished faces and catch a few sneaky yet friendly glances. But then I began attending another church and dropped that. As my history raised some curiosity I was asked to write a few articles and give a few conferences about JWs but soon became tired of that. I moved on, really.

    Only 17 years later or so, with Internet access and a little more time on my hands, did I get in touch with the xJW "community". Which I found interesting, especially here with the wide variety of people. Imo sharing a common past makes up more attractive a community than a common present "faith" or "lifestyle". Revisiting this almost forgotten part of my life was nice, and perhaps sometimes helpful to others (who knows?). But this doesn't (and certainly won't) make me an "xJW activist" which is very far from my character. That's just me.

  • jeanniebeanz

    Thanks to all who replied to my question. This is something that has hit home lately and especially since the ‘big news’ threads appeared.

    I have been ‘out’ now for over 10 years. It has taken a long time to reach this level of healing, which I assumed to be pretty stable. I had reached the place where the painful childhood history, a very odd witness upbringing, no longer caused me much anxiety. The events which led to the loss of faith in, first myself, then the society and ultimately god himself had been analyzed, classified, put in jars labeled "garbage", and stored in the junk bin of my mind, along with various pictures of bathroom wall scribblings that you try not to read, but do. Everything where it belongs, you know.

    What amazes me is how fast I am reaching for those jars now and opening them all up to re-analyze them, especially the ones labeled "I told you so" and "anger" at the thought of "big news." I must be a fool, I suppose, to allow it to affect me so.

    Different people have stated that ‘I’m only here for the company’ or ‘I want to help people’. I don’t know why I’m here. I’ve said those things too, but I wonder if it’s really true.

    Is it even possible to help people who will not be helped? Do we just waste countless hours trying to find the words to say that will help someone out? Are we really just pontificating to each other things that we already know?

    Some have said ‘I’m over it.’ For you, I am genuinely happy. I don’t think I will ever be over it. Perhaps when my parents pass and there is no more hope. But, even then, I will wonder, could I have done anything to save them? Did I try too hard? Not enough? Most of the time I don’t think about it. When I do, it’s crippling.


  • forsharry

    I don't think I'll ever really stop caring about this. It shaped (and warped to a certain degree) my life...and it's nice to be able to talk with people that understand what I've been through. I don't get that same sense of comraderie even from my husband and friends. Yes, they're sympathetic but they almost look at me sometimes like some kind of wild child.

    I'm letting go of the anger and hatred and bitterness towards the bOrg, so that's a good thing, but I'll never stop caring while there are still people that are being lied to in that organization.

  • Lady Lee
    Lady Lee

    you are definitely NOT a fool.

    And it is OK to not know why you are here. If you are picking up those jars and checking out what is in them then you are trying to make sense out of all the nonsense we were taught.

    I have been told dozens of times that what I post here has helped people. That is good enough for me. If it helps some people and not others that is fine too.

    I often slip back into denial and think "I'm cured of WTitis". Then something comes along to slap me on the head and say "Wanna bet?!"

    When I read Have you seen my mother it opened a whole new "jar" for me. Although I had been kidnapped by my father I had never put those words to it before. Bryan's book gave me the words. My siste's death opened another jar.

    In between jars I get to support others. It works well for me.

    But you will find out what works for YOU. Because in the end YOU are the one who is important in your life. YOU are the only one who can take what life has offered you and work to make sense of it

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