My mother's meltdown

by sass_my_frass 15 Replies latest jw friends

  • sass_my_frass

    Okay, another self-indulgent post from sass about my mother. This one's a keeper, it's today's cellphone text war. A bit of background; she's had the book study moved from her place as her conscience doesn't permit her to have it there while she's still in contact with me, her disfellowshipped daughter. A few years ago my decision over marrying another non-witness guy split our family down the middle, and she was basically broken by it. She's also menopausal, not dealing with empty-nest syndrome, and in my unprofessional opinion very deeply depressed. I've been getting ready to let her know that I'm just about to stop attending meetings, and after stuff like this maybe the sooner the better.

    warning: this post will reveal that I was disfellowshipped for sleeping with my husband before we married but in my own defence he's my first and last...

    So I'm doing my five-yearly bra-shopping (I bought six; enough for the next five years...) and this comes in:

    Her: PAIN and HURT and SORROW bloody bloody bloody kids if I'd known how much pain mine were going to put me through I'd never have had any. I want to move to the other side of the world where I can get on with my life and not have this PAIN anymore. Have a nice xmas. I hope it makes up for all the ones you think you missed. So sorry for screwing up your life with what (Mr Frass) calls our fucking religion but there I go. I just want to stop feeling SAD

    Me: What are you talking about? He'd never have said that

    Her: Then you need to speak to (non-witness aunts and uncle who attended the wedding and have been great). Amazingly they were more shocked and disappointed than we were. He had the conversation with them. They had the grace not to say anything until we came home. They related it out of concern for us but mostly you.

    Me: Interesting, they told him they're shocked and disappointed that sass' family shun her. Somewhere in there is the truth and I'm not involving them in this to find out

    Her: Whatever. Here's a question, did you ever tell (Mr Frass) that if I have sex with you before we are married theres a possibility I would lose my family? See you are the one that put the cart before the horse knowing full well what the consequences might be. You were prepared to dump the family long before they chose their option by your actions. I believe that you can't see that and still remain offended at something you have known all your life would happen! And worse not explain it to Mr Frass that he can accept it. No sorry you dumped us first with very little thought.

    Me: Actually I'm just not perfect, and here I am accepting the consequences. Pull yourself together, I don't need this.

    Her: Well dammit neither did I. Had a major meltdown yesterday. The primal scream that has been just below the surface for the past five years finally came out. I am living each day between a rock and a hard place fear/hope. You could at least have the courtesy and the compassion to put me out of my misery and inform me one way or the other if you are back at the meetings and if not then let me know that too so I can get on with MY life.

    Me: Of course I'm going to meetings. It's time for you to get professional help about the primal scream thing. Nobody else can fix you, we don't know what to do.

    Her: I don't need a professional to tell me what I already know.

    Me: What, that your depression has plunged to a depth beyond your control and our reach? Yes you do. Welcome to MyLife2001. See a doctor, it saved me from insanity.

    *sigh* That's it for now, probably will have ended it because she won't have liked the medical thing. She's not into doctors, she sees a homeopath who cured her chronic fatigue with placebos made from alcohol and water that's put in a magic-ray machine. Yes, I do intend to 'put her out of her misery' just out of a sense of fairness. I realise that it will hurt her a lot initially but she will eventually get on with her life as she says. Well who knows really.

    So she finally lost it, I'm kind of glad, she has some good friends, maybe they've noticed and will talk her into doing something about it. Somebody tell me that I don't have the only head-case of a mother on the planet.

  • lisavegas420
    A bit of background; she's had the book study moved from her place as her conscience doesn't permit her to have it there while she's still in contact with me, her disfellowshipped daughter. A

    I'm just guessing, but I bet she was tired of the book study being at her house you you just happen to be a good excuse...

    As for the text messages....I can only shake my head...I hope she get the help she needs.


  • sass_my_frass

    I hope she gets the help too, so much. It's not her fault that she can't see the lies, and it's sending her slowly mad. I'd do anything to make her happy again.

    Okay anything, it turns out, but go through the agony of reinstatement. I love her but... it won't solve it. She will always want more, always want assurance that it's The Truth and that I believe it. Better to let her know now that I don't, I think.

    I'm pretty lost about it all to be honest. I want to cut the ties, but I don't want to break her heart.

  • serendipity


    About the df'ing thing. It's interesting what the penalty was under Mosaic Law - no stoning if the girl was not engaged. Instead, the guy had to pay her father, marry her and wasn't allowed to divorce her. JWs now impose spiritual death.

  • Elsewhere

    The control freak freaks out.

  • DanTheMan

    It's just sad the way some mothers are never able to give their children the freedom they deserve.

  • one of 12
    one of 12

    Hi sass_my_frass.I know you love your mum (mom).But eventually our parents have to grow up too.Most of us cope with one or two crises at a time but a whole bunch,percieved or real,can suck the juice out of our batteries.Take care of yourself first, then can you get mum to her GP to diagnose whether the menopause needs to be addressed or if depression is the main thing.

    By the way,have you thought about maternity bras? What if you let yourself go and need bigger and bigger cups? Don't you think of these things? PETE.

  • bigmouth

    oops I used my mrs. avatar again.Sorry PETE

  • sass_my_frass

    I'm pretty distant from her, as in I live on the opposite side of the country.

    I only ever talk about her hey, never about Dad? They're still together, he's been the silent victim of all this. He never got baptised but just went alont with whatever she wanted. I'm not sure if he believes it now or just thinks it's easiest to keep the peace. Everybody is glad now that he's not baptised because technically I can still talk to him and thus they can get the goss on me. I think he understands my situation and has always meant it when he said he'd support any of us in whatever we do. At the wedding he made a big point of saying that we have their blessing (well, his in reality), and that was great to know.

    When I got d'd I told myself and them that I'd fight for reinstatement for up to three years. I was thinking that I'd give it a good shot and that would be enough time to work out whether I want it or not. Turns out it only took six months to learn that I don't want to go back. I'm going to give it a little more time to be sure, I'm not quite ready to cut all the ties yet. (I'm certainly ready to stop attending meetings, they're depressing, morbid and drain the joy out of me). But I'm not ready to make the call to my folks letting them know I'm spiritually dead. Okay the waiting is hurting her a lot, but I reserve the right to take my time now, I gave them many years of pretending to believe and trying really hard to. It's my turn now.

    Mr Frass yesterday learned that this thing isn't over by a long shot, I think it threw him a bit. He's spectacular about it, he knows when to listen and when to let me purge all my misery here.

  • Cordelia


    im sosorry for what you are going thru, my mum told me on thurs if i couldnt go to meetings im not her daughter anymore! i like you have been trying to get reinstated for the family or coz im really not sure whats th right thing to do, but i cant do it anymore even tho that means throwing away months of sitting at the meetings and will put my reinstatement back even further i just cant do it anymore, i understand how you feel.

    but you have to do it for you you will feel better (so im told)

    your hubby seems understanding, i push my man too far alot, i think he should understand everything but they dont, so you have to put yourself first,

    keep me posted and i think you have done well standing up to your mum, xx

Share this