by Why Georgia 28 Replies latest social relationships
One more thing....
I was talking to a friend who was also raised as a JW and has a whole JW family. She said that MIL probably holds me responsible for Darling Husband leaving the truth which is why she treats me poorly. And that she doesn't want to accept Hubby is an adult and can make his own decisions - that its easier to blame me instead of him.
What do you think?
Chrystal aka Why Georgia
Hm yeah, I think that's highly possible. My mother blames my husband for leaving even though I left years before I even met him. She also has the opinion (which she has voiced in a conversation with another jw but loud enough for me to hear) that I would come back but my husband is preventing me from doing so.
Nothing I have ever said to her about the society has sunk in.
Josie
Crystal, You have to remember that j.w.'s treat every one that isn't a j.w. a follower of Satan.
My SIL, who is a j.w., hates me, too, and thinks I hate her. I don't, really, but I am upset with her because she drew my younger daughter into the cult. We talk to each other when we have to, and are pleasant with each other, but there is always a friction, and a sense of untrust between us, because she knows I am totally against her getting my daughter and son-in-law into the cult.
I'm no expert on advice, so I'll leave it to others, but it does seem to me that you are doing a great job keeping a handle on things, especially when it comes to your kids. Never trust your MIL alone with them. As soon as you do, she will work on them to try to turn them away from you, and what you are teaching them about life, and religion. I know it's hard, but just try to hang in there, and take advice from these people that have been there, done that.
Sorry to say, it's a neverending battle. Take a deep breath, and relax.
Try to cope with it. Wish I could give you better advice than that. (Thanks for the book offer. I might take you up on it).
Hubert
Hubert -
We talk to each other when we have to, and are pleasant with each other, but there is always a friction, and a sense of untrust between us,
You described how it is with my mother in law and me as if you were an observer on the wall...its like there is a feeling like everything could hit the fan at any second...because I never know what she will say and I never know if I am going to have the control not to strangle her....LOL - Really I'm not a violent person!
I am really just trying to do what is best for the boys. If she can be nice and not abusive and follow our rules. She is welcome to be around the children as long as it is supervised.
Mrs. Jones -
I'm sorry your Mom blames your husband. It's like these women don't think there children are smart enough to make their own decisions about their own lives. But if my husband and you stayed JW's - You can bet these Mom's would be saying how smart their children are!
Chrystal aka Why Georgia
Of course she called to gloat. Can't pass up a chance to show your son what he is missing out on by not being a part of the glorious organization right? Seriously that sucks. I always worry about what will happen when I have kids. I certainly don't want them to be guilted and pressured or feel like they are deprived of contact in any way. But I don't know if even 24 hour supervision is enough to keep the insidious JW religion from being crammed down their throats.
Between now and the next visit, I'd work on your husband. It's no use going over old ground, so I suggest you attack the problem in new ways. Ask questions.
1. The first questions are around, "What needs improving in our relationship with dear old mom?" "What does she do that REALLY BUGS you?" You are not asking for solutions, just admission of the problem. You are not going over your long list of grievances, you are getting him to make a list of his own. Get him to be as specific as possible.
2. NEXT, "What can WE change in how we react to her?" Look for ways to break old patterns. Brainstorm. You might even include the boys in this conversation. Because, face it, she ain't changin'!
3. Build some strategies and scripts on how you will react AS A FAMILY the next time she comes a-callin'. Get used to the idea of working as a united front.
GEORGIA I AGREE with you 100% screw this WATCHTOWER ZOMBIE. even if it's your mil. you have to keep on top of your mil and blast away at every chance to keep her rotten fruit in check. i never wait till a jw acts like a DOPE. i give then hell before they even get a chance. your doing great and always need to keep 10 steps ahead of her and let her know it in no uncertian terms. that's all they understand is a heavy tongue lashing. who the f*** cares if she gets upset. treat her like a retart that she is. show NO QUARTER and you will get respect. that the only thing jw's understand. best wishes. john
Georgia,
Sounds like our MIL and my mom are cut from the same cloth. I checked out the toxic parent book from the library and took over to my mothers house for reading material while I was there. Oh boy did that piss her off. She immediately took it as an insult even though as a couple we had 3 other parents this book could have applied to. I guess her actions were obivious even to herself.
I haven't seen my mother for along time because of her toxicness. But I wouldn't let my child see her w/o me either. No tellign what she might do. Once in awhile I'll have a fantasy dream about telling the B*&^% where to get off.
You may never get husband to see it from your perspective, and you will likely never change Grandma. What you CAN do is use your words...
Teach your boy(s) to say, "Grandma, that hurt my feelings. Please don't speak to me that way." And teach yourself to say, (with a firm smile,) "You are not allowed to speak that way to (or about) me. (or my boys.)"
If she persists, you say the exact same phrase again, in exactly the same firm, but nice tone. After the third time, you pick up your kids and your purse, and say, "when you think you can speak to me differently, you may call me. I have to go now." In the exact same nice but firm tone.
If you do this, it probably won't make the Grandmother any nicer, but it will absolutely change your dealings with her, as well as put you back in control of the situation, no matter how nasty she stays. Also, it is not dependent on your husband, other than he will have to take you home. (Or you will have to leave him there, and Grandma will have to drive him home.)
Good luck, what a miserable situation.
