She's back - here we go again!

by Why Georgia 28 Replies latest social relationships

  • Why Georgia
    Why Georgia

    I've written about this many times here.

    My Jehovahs Witness Mother in Law has decided that she wants to be a part of our life again (this week). We have basically disfellowshipped her from our lives because she refuses to follow our rules. They are simple.

    1. Be consistent in your contact with our family.

    2. No talk of religion or the WTS.

    3. No talk of family history of sexual abuse.

    She cannot follow these rules. Not even for 5 minutes.

    She's called 2 times in the last week asking for us to come and visit her.

    I am feeling really angry towards her.

    She caused so much drama this summer when my husband was hurt. My husband didn't want to relate medical information to his mother, so he asked me to do it. When I did this, mother in law accused me of lying when I told her this is what my husband wanted and that he didn't want to talk to anyone. Which was true...he was so depressed and hurting he didn't want to talk with her or any of his sisters and deal with their craziness. And if she wasn't kept informed she would continuously call his cellphone and irritate him. At one point, my husband was in the ER and had an allergic reaction to a medication. He started having chest pain. I called his Mother because I was very worried he might die (and I would want my mother there or to at least know if it were me) - (she was at an assembly) to let them know what was going on. His sister thanked me for calling and letting them know..MIL didn't think the situation was that serious and didn't understand why I was bothering her.

    I haven't seen her since my husband was in the hospital having surgery - she didn't speak to me at all. She spoke to him only .....I ended up leaving the room and getting some coffee - calling my Mom and crying on her shoulder. When I came back MIL was going on about the family stopping by to visit my husband when he got out of the hospital. Hubby was still doped on morphine and I said...that's fine, but you need to call first and make sure he's feeling up to visitors. She of course got offended by this....but this has always been our family rule. Call before you come by - don't just drop in.

    So my husband wants us to go visit. I don't want to. I want her to keep staying away even though I feel guilty that our older son wants to see her....she has zero relationship with our youngest son.

    And I'm really peeved that she had a party for all her grandchildren...the jw ones during the thanksgiving break and she didn't invite my oldest son...but of course it got back to my son and he had hurt feelings. My sister in law called to tell us about how much fun the kids had at the party....I think she knew that my son hadn't been invited and was just being a b*tch....because she never calls any other time unless her car is broken!

    And in a fit of weakness a couple weeks ago, my son asked to be taken to her house. I took him - prepared to be nice for a very quick visit....she was there and he was knocking on the door and she wouldn't open the door!!! And my son knew she was there, because if her car is there she is there and he said he could hear someone moving around inside. I left a note on the door saying - I'm sorry we missed you ______has been asking about seeing you and we were in the area.

    My husband is very kind and forgiving. He has hope that his mother will come suddenly become like my Mom and be this wonderful grandma to our children...its not gonna happen in my opinion. He's using the same guilt - she only has so many years before she's gone, you're depriving son #1, & #2 of a relationship with her, maybe this time it will work out, the bible says we should forgive 1000 times.

    I just feel angry and sick over this.

    I know I've written about this quite alot on here. I appreciate all the support and kindness I've received from all of you wonderful people. Can you help me out again.

    I'm just so tired of this. It seems like too much right now.


  • jgnat

    Concentrate on the husband, not the mother-in-law. If he is determined to go, be at his side. Remind him that he is going for his sake not hers, and as soon as it gets damaging, it's a sign that it is time to go. Also, plan a signal between the two of you, a hand signal or magic word, when it is "enough", and one of you can come up with a headache or diahrrea and declare that you suddenly "have to go".

  • AuldSoul

    Why Georgia, your rules seem reasonable enough. Have you taken one of the calls as an opportunity to restate the rules just so she is clear that you can't emotionally afford to keep doing this if she is going to be fickle in displaying affection?

    I don't know all the particulars of your situation, but you might think about whether it would help to tell her this is her last chance. The Bible says forgive as many times as someone asks for it and repents. I wonder, has she apologized? Does she recognize that she behaved wrongly? Does she feel any kind of remorse for having hurt people?


  • Why Georgia
    Why Georgia

    JGnat - we've done the code word thing before and it worked well. I physically feel sick even going to her house or driving by it. My stomach will start to hurt and I will feel like I am going to throw up. Also, she makes little digs at my son's appearance - mainly that he looks like me. It has hurt his feelings. She made a comment about his hazel green eyes and that there were too many of them in the family - (only my son and I have them) my son took this as - Grammy doesn't like me because I have green eyes. I also feel like I am protecting the boys from being harmed in the future. One of my SIL's had a child out of wedlock and MIL hated the man....she literally picked at the child for every little thing he did and said mean things about him. And the child has developmental disabilities - so this made it worse to me. She can be very cruel.

    Auld Soul - She has never apologized. She just says she's done the best that she could. She also says that I've misunderstood what she said or that she can't remember saying the things she has said. She's very manipulative.


  • AK - Jeff
    AK - Jeff

    Pushy MIL's. I have no experience with that. Can't add any good advice really.

    Just know we are here any time you need to vent.


  • blondie
    Concentrate on the husband, not the mother-in-law.

    Your husband should ask himself why he wants to put himself in harms way, to be near his abuser when she has not demonstrated any change, or any acknowledgement that what she is doing wrong and apolologized.

    Toxic Parents : Overcoming Their Hurtful Legacy and Reclaiming Your Life

  • Golf

    WHY G, I would have taken all the air out of her tires whether she was home or not. If she was home after knocking and not answering the door, she could have seen you removing the air from the tires!!!!!

    At first I laughed at your introduction but by the end, I was sickened by such conduct from your mother-in-law and how she treats her grandchildren. This is inhumane, no excuse whatsoever, and she identify's herself as a Christian?

    Follow your gut feeling.


  • luna2

    Good advice from jgnat, AS and blondie. Like Jeff, I have nothing to add except my support and a listening ear (reading eye?).

    It all sounds awful. It would be nice if your hubby could find it within himself to take a strong stand with his family as it would take a lot of pressure off of you. Guess you can't always get what you want, though. (((WG)))

  • bikerchic

    Good book recommendation by Blondie I was going to suggest the same book. In all honesty I don't think your situation has time to read a book but that you should get yourself to some serious counseling and do it now, today! Whenever you are having symptoms of being physically ill with thoughts of the "person" it is way past time to seek professional help. The counselor will help you and your family to build on some coping skills in dealing with your MIL. I urge you to do this!

    Get the book and start reading too, you need to see how YOU play into this game and egg it on because I can see it just from what you've said and a counselor will help you to see it and move beyond it.

    My wish for you is that in a few months time this will no longer be a topic of discussion for you or even on your radar screen. Good luck!

  • unbeliever


    I have only the best of intentions when I post this but I have been reading your posts for a long time. Your husband needs to grow a spine. IMO he has been hiding behind you for way too long. He needs to stand up for himself, YOU, and your children.

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