ok i think i finally have made a decision

by Cordelia 63 Replies latest jw friends

• 

  LittleToe

  I'm really hurt about my dad and took it out abit on the bf again (i must stop doing that!)

  Yes, you must. It's really not fair. He must really love you, not to have kicked you to the kerb.

  i have no objection to her going to the meetings, but i would like her to join in activities at school and not feel left out, ; its a tricky one as my family and others will tell her what i let her do is wrong! ; ; I was planning on letting her make her own decision as she got older bur obviously i wouldnt really want her to be baptised and then shun me! (doesnt bear thinking about)

  If you let her get indoctrinated at the hall, and allow her sole friends to be JWs, then your eventual shunning by her is almost certain! As she gets older and more rebellious, there's a chance she might get into them partially to spite you, if she gets enough early influence.

  LT, of the "devil's advocate" class
• 

  stillconcerned

  hmmm..

  Where is your daughter in all this?

  Living with you?

  Is she exposed to the BF?

  What are your choices saying to her?

  Would you want her to live the example you are giving her?

  She is the ONLY being in this scenario who made NO choices here, and has no ability to MAKE her own choices in this scenario. YOU are responsible for making choices FOR HER, that protect her and are in her best interests.

  SHE should be your first priority.

  My 2 cents...
• 

  tijkmo

  did any of you ever feel like that when you were losing everything?

  cordelia....i just cant get rid...of these voices in my head

  tis true...but they are not as loud now..

  maybe you experience that too..the constant arguing and reasoning that you have with yourself...especially at night!!!

  and my family are all resigned to my decision because they know it is my stance and not my apathy

  still hurts like hell tho
• 

  Cordelia

  ross you are right im alittle unsure of how to go about it tho, the nursery has asked her to be an angel in their play! i only have to take in a whiyte tshirt and she can do it, her dad says she can do nothing like that and i have to accept it as he is her dad and i have took so much away from him! im alittle confused,

  tik, thats good they know its your stance, thats what ive tried, had a bit of a turning point today, went to my mums as she said she can see me since shes broke her leg! and today she just shouted at me and told me i must go to the meetings, and what has she done to have an apostate child she may as well be dead etc.. i totally stood my ground and told her what id already told my dad that i no longer veiwed jeh and the society the same so when i think of getting reinstated it would only be to talk to my family not to be coming back to jeh, and i really wanted to be with this lad, she said i may as well not bother then and then screamed at me that she thought my dad was seriously ill and hes having more tests tomorrow!

  that really upset me, and my dad came home and was distressed we were fighting and took me outside and told me he loved me but could not feel like he was losing me all the time so he would not contact me again he would not ask if i was at meetings or what i was doing with my life, he said i will resent him if i come back for him not jeh and he wants me to feel happy! (i love him so much its easier to tell my mum as she just is nasty sometimes,)

  He has been so nice about it, but what if he is dying?

  i know i have the chance now to stick to what ive said (throw away the 9 months of trying to get reinststed) never go to the meetings my hubby will then divorce me i can be with the lad and see how it goes i can have my life without the witnesses!

  but is it the right thing to do, ive come so far do you think i should stick by it? its so hard seeing my dad like this!
• 

  MerryMagdalene

  (((((((((((((((((((cordelia)))))))))))))))))))you've received so much good and caring advice, all I can say is I think you really really really need to stop and step off the hamster wheel that's turning circles in your head right now, even if just for a few moments...take some slow deep breaths...get lost in some peaceful, beautiful scenery...say a simple, heartfelt prayer...be silent and listen...to God, to love, to peace, to your own heartbeat...feel love fill you, feel it surround you, breathe it in, breathe it out...this is who you are...know that no matter what it is always there...surviving, learning, growing stronger...

  I wish you well

  ~Merry
• 

  LittleToe

  ross you are right im alittle unsure of how to go about it tho, the nursery has asked her to be an angel in their play! i only have to take in a whiyte tshirt and she can do it, her dad says she can do nothing like that and i have to accept it as he is her dad and i have took so much away from him! im alittle confused,

  What are you confused about? Why should he take it out on your child? Let the wee thing enjoy her moment on stage with her friends

  Have you written a list of pros and cons for her? I'm not really seeing much of your reasoning for her interests coming through on these pages. This surely isn't just about the conflict between your dad and your b/f, is it?

  Meanwhile moms tend to exagerate situations for effect. You'll do it yourself, one day. My sister danced to this kind of tune for years, before eventually becoming a little more cynical. Now she enjoys her life with far fewer recriminations!

  What are the chances that your dad is really dying?? Even if he is, how is you dropping your b/f and going back to meetings going to improve that?? Further - if he really is dying young, it's far more likely that it's either a congenital defect or he's brought it on himself by the choices he's made in life regarding diet /exercise, etc.

  Bottom line? It's not your fault, and the emotional blackmail shouldn't wash!
• 

  diamondblue1974

  thanks everyone, diamondblue, i will look into those cases, i have no objection to her going to the meetings, but i would like her to join in activities at school and not feel left out, its a tricky one as my family and others will tell her what i let her do is wrong! I was planning on letting her make her own decision as she got older bur obviously i wouldnt really want her to be baptised and then shun me! (doesnt bear thinking about)
  
  
  
  

  Joint or shared residency is where the child shares residency between both parents...i.e shes with you 3.5 days per week...with your ex 3.5 days per week or whatever split is agreed and or ordered by the courts; Sole Residency is completely the opposite in that your child is assigned to one parent and then where appropriate a contact ordered in favour with the other parent. To make decisions relating to her upbringing and other issues (and in particular have a say on religious upbringing) you will need to have what is described legally as 'Parental Responsibility'; because you are married and you were likely to be when your child was born you will both have 'parental responsibility'.

  What this means is that both of you have independent rights about making decisions relating to your child and when.

  You dont necessarily have to agree those decisions between you both either and this is where the conflicts sometimes arise..i.e because one parent disagrees with the others decisions...such as schooling, religion...in fact it appears that the conflict has already started in the issue regarding her being an angel in a school play!!!

  However where you object to the other persons decision (lets say to take her to the kingdom hall) you can apply to the court for either a 'specific issue order' or a 'prohibited steps order' to prevent your ex from taking her to the meetings or any other act you feel would put your child at risk (or even where this puts your relationship with the child at risk).

  There is an overlapping human rights issue here however the courts are more inclined to look at the overall welfare of the child as its paramount consideration in these issues.

  You are right to be wary about the shunning policies though; and whilst it might be argued by her father that he personally would never ask your daughter to shun you, your argument should be that there is a risk that the level of indoctrination she will undergo will no doubt put her under pressure to do so; the courts if properly educated on these issues will acknowledge the risk and could order in your favour.

  Speak to your solicitor Cordy...he or she will have a much better grasp on this issue and might well explain things a little better...
• 

  Cordelia

  thanks diamond that helps alot i am gonna see my solictor next week, feel abit wierd today coz ive found out my dad has a tumour and i feel really bad at the pain ive caused,

  i feel like making him happy and just going back but i love my boyfriend so much and just cant give him up, and even tho ive told my family about him they keep acting like i will come to my senses and give him up but we are actually planning on living together soon, im scared to go ahead in case my dad does have cancer, but i have come so far now, am i being selfish?
• 

  LittleToe

  I hope you aren't blaming yourself for your dad's tumour. That would be a miracle of the first order...

  I also hope that you aren't truly blaming yourself for "the pain", because if it were any normal religion that your parents had raised you in, the chances are that it wouldn't be having such devastating consequences!

  I further hope that you're giving your b/f a bit of a break from all the emotional upheaval and that he's reciprocating in kind with lots of chocolate
• 

  bikerchic

  ok i think i finally have made a decision

  I hope some day to see you post a thread that is titled; "I've made a decision."

  Between now and then you have certainly got your work cut out for you. I suggest you start on the journey post haste and your main concern should be for your child, then yourself, everything and everyone else should take a back seat on a huge bus while you get your life in order.

  I know I sound curt, but I've been there, done that and could write the book. So from my perspective you are so young, you have a lot of life ahead of you and life is just too short to waste. I wish you well on your journey.