Dear Reader, My name is Aaron, and I have a brief story to tell regarding my youth as a Jehovah's Witnesses. My story is all too familiar for many who had the misfortune to find themselves unwilling participants in the religious activities of this group, but I would like to share my experience. This is not to be taken as anything other than what it is, an article relating to my personal experience that I would like to share, and is NOT a condemnation of a group of people.
I was born and raised in San Diego California, and attended a congregation in the Clairemont neighborhood from birth to approximately 17 years of age. As I was born to a mother who was a devout member of the Jehovah's Witnesses, little choice was offered to me and I attended the meetings three times a week.
Jehovah's Witnesses stress that regular attendance to all three "meetings" is important to remain in good standing with their particular congregation. In most countries, this includes a 2 hour meeting on Sunday, similar in practice to many Christian faith's Sunday worship, a 2 hour meeting on either a Tuesday of Thursday which is called a "Theocratic Ministry School" and in general prepares JW's in their preaching work, and prepares young and old alike in the methodology and technique of "witnessing" to non-believers, and finally a 1 hour "Book Study" in the home of a JW in good standing who is usually termed an "Elder" (roughly the equivalent to a pastor) on Tuesday or Thursday to study a particular book in the Watchtower Society’s catalog.
These five hours of meeting per week do not include the time spent in the "good work" or door-to-door preaching, that so many folks find so refreshing at 9 am on a Sunday morning! Typically a couple hours a week are devoted to this activity at a bare minimum (which I usually got away with), but JW's are encouraged to devote themselves to the "ministry" and often encouraged to find ways to fit more and more hours of this preaching activity into their lives. Some find ways to quit their jobs, or at least reduce their working hours so that they can call themselves special names like "Pioneers", which means that they put in many hours of preaching on a monthly basis.
It sort of reminds me now of a movie called "Office Space", where the waitress played by Jennifer Aniston who works at a TGIF type theme restaurant, wears fifteen pieces of "Flair" (i.e. wacky buttons on her suspenders showing spunk) but is just getting by with the bare minimum and is constantly annoyed by her boss encouraging her to show more and more of this "Flair". I suppose I was the JW equivalent of Aniston's lack of motivation by only showing the minimum amount of JW Flair. Too funny, but I digress.
My mother, as stated earlier, was and remains a devout member. I even think she is one of the Pioneers now that she is retired, not exactly sure though. Anyhow, growing up she displayed the type of loyalty to the organization usually reserved for the elite members of a crack military unit, and her hatred of anything frowned upon by the writers of the Watchtower (the Bi-Monthly JW periodical and instruction manual) was reminiscent of the anti-hanger sentiment Faye Dunnaway portrayed in "Mommy Dearest". Many of the things frowned upon are vague, but can include the following:
Foul Language
Tobacco Use
Pornography
Fantasy Themed Books (i.e. Tolkien, Eddings etc.)
The Smurfs (seriously)
HeAvY MeTaL!!!! (Satan's Favorite, although I always pictured him as more of a classical kind of guy)
John Denver Music (because he supposedly didn't like JW's)
Dungeons & Dragons (I think because a couple kids who have played have done naughty things, as well as its spooky and violent themes! Great logic)
Video Games
Christmas
Birthdays
Thanksgiving
Easter
Veterans Day
Labor Day (Ok, I'll leave it at they believe just about any holiday is evil)
Hanging out with kids who aren't members of the JW organization (termed "Worldly People", and yes you should feel insulted as you will die and we will not!)
Masturbation
Ok, I will make an admission here. I enjoy masturbating. Yes, I'm one of those rare perverted guys, who just like's to lay around and masturbate. And moreso, this was about the deal breaker for me. At about 13 I REFUSED to believe that these "Elders", usually in their late 40's to their decrepit 90's who had wives who probably were so dried up, they couldn’t break a sweat down there, didn't masturbate. The moment I discovered masturbation, I realized "wow, this is the greatest thing in the whole WORLD! There is no way I'm some genius who figured this out alone.". So yeah, when it came right down to it, given the option of living a "wholesome" life in a paradise with a bunch of anal-retentive JW's, or masturbating? Not even close... Pass the Jurgen's and a box of Kleenex. Heck, I even jacked off in the Kingdom Hall, sometimes some twenty-something JW mom's dress would show a little kneecap, and I'd have to just excuse my [edit] self to the washroom. 30 seconds later, I'd come out and sing the "Kingdom Melodies" (worship songs) with a grin on my face, like I had just sunk the Lusitanian.
And what goes great with a 13-year-old chronic masturbator? Pornography! You can imagine the reaction that got. I believe the Elders counseled me at least twice for possession. Sounds like a drug rap. Speaking of which, I purchased my first dime bag at the local Clairemont congregation of Jehovah's Witnesses. Yes sir, I got ripped the [edit] off by this Christian girl, and I didn't care. But again I digress.
I was not exactly considered good association to the parents of children my age in the Kingdom Hall. I was weird, it was known I didn’t get along smashingly with my mother, I started smoking at 13, I had been caught with porn several times, and I was in general a miserable little guy aside from the masturbation. My mother had put me into Juvenile Rehabilitation Centers, mental hospital, and drugged me so full of Ritalin that meth fiends coveted my urine. None of her attempts to “straighten me out” worked, and it was just an unfortunate situation where she had to wait till I was 18 years old to be rid of this blessing from Jehovah.
As a JW youth, you are encouraged (i.e. bribed and threatened) to give answers during the study portions of the meetings. Of course there was always some smarmy, happy as horseshit numbskull kid who enthusiastically gave more than just the one that ensured your parent wouldn’t take away the Jurgens privileges.
One young lady about 13, who I’ll just call Lanaya [edit], would quote from the paragraph, but begin her plagiaristic answer by saying “As the paragraph read…” or “The article brings out that…”
Her parents must have been ecstatic. This was like nails on a chalkboard to me. I developed a fear of public speaking, and I hold her accountable to this day.
Sometimes to liven things up, kids would sit together. Often you could help another kid who hadn’t studied the article by frantically searching for a paragraph that you would answer the question regarding. I took liberty to give asinine and downright retarded answers to one not so bright kid named Joshua. Joshua was a few years younger than me, and happy in the way a golden retriever might be. I liked Josh, but I just couldn’t resist having a little fun. It would go a little like this…
A hundred or so Congregation members sit quietly as someone reads the paragraph in the Watchtower magazine….
The conductor asks the question…
“So, what are some of the dangers that have been found in many popular television shows, and the dangerous music of today?
Josh had known he’d be punished for not giving his answer, and unfortunately had been sitting next to me, so naturally was ready and willing to give the answer to this pertinent question…
Josh immediately raises his hand up; the conductor scans the crowd looking for a youth first, as children are such a delight to the older ones!
He calls upon Josh… “Brother Joshua???”
Josh shouts out “Jehovah and Jesus!???” I burst into muffled laughter.
The conductor confused at the answer, struggles to recover….
“Oh, well yes we all sure do love Jehovah and Jesus Joshua! Anyone else???”…
May sound a bit droll, but to me it was what Phil Hendrie would refer to as “Comedy GOLD!!!!!!!”.
A few adults with a sense of humor would laugh a little, but in general it was just sad for poor enthusiastic but ultimately moronic Joshua.
Now about the Kingdom Ministry, everyone knows that there is nothing a child loves more than after a week of school, lazily waking up on Saturday around 9 or 10, going to the kitchen and getting a bowl of cereal, and plopping yourself down in front of the TV for some kickass cartoon shows. It’s your birthright, you’ve suffered through a week of mind numbing school and Kingdom Hall meetings, and you want some god damned Smurfs right? Well forget about the Smurfs first off, because they are demonized. Yes, rumors ran rampant in the 80’s throughout the whole of the JW organization about the little girl who brought the Smurf doll to the Kingdom Hall. Anyone who was a JW remembers this, but for the lucky I’ll explain.
The story goes like this…
A little girl in some Kingdom Hall far away so that it cannot be easily confirmed, happened to bring her adorable little Smurf doll to the meeting. Then all hell breaks loose. Apparently the Smurfs are demonic because in German, Smurf means “Little Blue Devil”. So, this doll decides it isn’t a doll anymore, but one of Satan’s minions, and is no doubt none to stoked to find himself in a Jehovah’s Witness Kingdom Hall. After deciding to forget all laws of common sense and physics, he animates himself and prances down the aisle of KH, to the horror of the entire congregation.
I swear before all this is exactly the story that was told. And I shit you not, adults around the world, threw out all Smurf paraphernalia as a result of this obviously concrete piece of journalism. My niece Mandi, enjoyed the Smurf Board Game for kids. GONE! I had a box of Smurf cereal. GONE! The sweeping reforms taking place among the ranks of JW’s, smacked of the Nazi book burnings of the 30’s, only way, way more retarded.
Besides, we all know that a Smurf doll wouldn’t just dance around the Kingdom Hall. Shit, this was a demon from hell were talking about! I’d like to think the doll somehow materialized a humongous penis, and ran around raping the elderly, men included. Can’t you imagine, this 1 foot tall Smurf running around amongst petrified onlookers, and bending over Brother Not-So-Fortunate and Sister Holy-Shit-This-Sucks and having it’s little demonized way with them? Kind of makes rape a little less serious sounding, doesn’t it?
Smurfs aside, there are plenty of examples of the mob mentality of JW’s not having such gruesomely cute results. I’m not going to get into it all, but we all know of pedophiles, drug dealers, and nasty folks in general. They are everywhere; it’s not even worth debating at this point. But one thing that JW’s do is downright mean. They disfellowship people.
What this means it, when a person does something naughty, they get in trouble and talked to by the elders. If they continue to do it they get “disfellowshipped”. This means there will be an announcement that you are naughty and have been disfellowshipped during a meeting in your Kingdom Hall. When you are disfellowshipped, noone will talk to you, often including your own family. You must sit in the back, and remain quiet for months on end typically. And you have noone to tell how much this sucks to, because remember, you were once an upstanding JW who wouldn’t hang out with folks outside the religion. So now these “Christians” who love you much and have turned their back on you aren’t there for you, and it can’t feel none too good right?
My sister was “disfellowshipped”, and she found herself so lonely she decided that slicing her wrists and OD’ing was preferable. Luckily she survived. Unluckily she found herself right back among the ranks of those people who love her so much.
Any JW will explain to you that the reason they disfellowship people is to keep the congregation clean and not allow wickedness to infiltrate the congregation. And besides, it’s biblical! So is animal sacrifice. I respect that people can believe in the bible if they choose to, but suffice to say, in my studies I find it to be a pretty badly written book. Translation and accuracy aside, it’s just pretty stupid. It’s so obviously written by men and not at all inspired that anyone who puts any merit in it may as well go out and study the Lord of the Rings as a historical work. A few pieces of scattered history, a bunch of ridiculous stories, a lot of silly laws, one mean god (Hebrew), one nice god (Greek), a decent guy named Jesus who lost control in a temple and paid for it with his life. That’s about the bible to me.
I’m not here to condemn, merely relate my personal experience as a JW, with a little humor I hope. I spent a good 16 or 17 years of my life, growing up a JW, and I feel that I can speak on the topic with a little insight.
Today I am 29 years old and no longer affiliated with the group. I was never baptized so I was never disfellowshipped. I have so many stories I could tell, some good memories, a lot of bad ones, but that’s life. My family is fragmented, some are JW’s, some are not, and the family is not close at all as a whole, and I think that the JW organization has quite a bit to do with that among other reasons.
There are a lot of people out there with similar circumstances who are bitter, and feel its necessary to badmouth the Witnesses. I find it completely unnecessary to badmouth the group as a whole, as it is a dying organization. The rate of growth of JW’s when compared to the population growth shows that it is a religion in decline. The fact that the prophecies about the end of the world coming any day now have been preached for decades, and generation after generation of JW’s pass away is somewhat of a moot point to me. But still a little bit sad.
I consider myself an honest and open person, and encourage anyone with questions or comments to feel free in writing me. My email address is: [email protected]
My name is Aaron, and I hope you enjoyed my article.