Hi everyone, totally new here. And still associating with JWs... Have been baptised 23 years, that was at the tender age of 13 when I had absolutely no idea what I was doing. I have always been considered a rebel...brought up in a family by a single parent, my two brothers are both elders, the younger being a regular pioneer, my sister a regular pioneer and serving in a foreign language congregation. I married a fellow witness aged 21 (I was desperate not to be a virgin any more ) But on the whole we've muddled through quite well. My problem is just about everyone I know and have ever known, my whole family, my husbands whole family are witnesses. I have some very close friends I have developed at work, much to the disgust of my family but that's it. My mother constantly tells me about bad associations and how I need friends in the truth. Well I would like some, but they're all so depressed! Over the past two years I have drifted, and for the first year at least, very guiltily, much tears and soul searching, I've ALWAYS hated the ministry, even though I served as a pioneer for 7 years! I just believed whole heartedly Armageddon was coming the year after and it's what I must do! This past year I've started to be more blatant, I haven't shared in the preaching work, although at first I carried on putting in a report.. how stupid, I just didn't want the elders to question me, but didn't care I was lying. Lately I've stopped reporting and have stopped attending many meetings. But honestly only this past month or so has it started to occur to me (and when the thoughts do come, I almost turn around and expect to be struck by lightning) that this isn't and never was the truth. I have so many doubts, and worries, but then the other questions come up.. where else is there to go, where are the answers, which is the organisation, because I still feel, not many come closer, even though the witnesses dont have it right.. neither do anyone else! Money has been very tight and only last weekend I agonised over cancelling my direct debit to the society, we've regularly paid every month... and I did it, clicked the box, and since then those thoughts have come more often. Tonight, my husband has gone to the group study, and I haven't gone, and I know I will get the conversations the questions from my mother etc. I guess I know you people dont have the answers to my personal situation I need to work on it, but I have read some very thought provoking stuff here. Things that bothered me... why when I wore trousers to the meeting was I told I needed to adjust my attitude? They weren't tight, they weren't manly?? Why are some traditions ie birthdays 'pagan' but white weddings are not? WHY did Jehovah create women to be so damn smart if they are lesser? And lets face it they are treated as lesser. And how could a god who supposedly feels the way about us as I do about my children stand by and watch his creations crying out and drowning in the flood just because they did not do things his way. No doubt many of them were evil, but I have no doubt also many were just free thinkers!! I love some of my new friends, they are not bad people, but supposedly they will die because of not following one way... I'm just venting here, but wanted to say hi, and I'm from the UK and very very very raw. The posts title...cos I'm starting to feel the scripture that talks about the scales falling from the eyes is what's happening to me. But I feel so damn guilty! And I have NOBODY who I can talk to without being labelled an apostate! I feel bad talking to my new friends because it puts the 'truth' in a bad light and I still dont want to do that.
Poppy x