A lot has happened to me since March. I have learned so much. I hesitated to put this out in JWD, but I now think that if it helps one person, it will have been worth it.
As many of you already know, I was contemplating reinstatement. This was purely for my sister-in-law’s benefit. I did not want her torn anymore and I did not want to risk losing her. Well, I risked losing her when I introduced her to this site. It was too great a heartache for me at that time, and I thought, oh well…a few meetings a week…a few months, what is the big deal.
It WAS a big deal. It was extremely difficult to sit there. I took notes during every single meeting. My notes though, were not your standard, ‘copy everything the speaker says’, rather they were ‘critical’ notes. I listened, I thought, I asked myself if that is believable, where did they get that quote, how old is that quote, who said that, how many ppl said that, what would be another perspective of that?, what would another church say about that scripture, is that interpretation?, whose interpretation?, what is the goal of the speaker?, to inform, to guilt, to motivate, to scare, etc?, what scriptures either support or refute the speakers claim?
As I sat there, week after week, it became painfully clear to me that the meetings are set up to grind out preachers. These were not well educated, critical thinking speakers that were being produced, rather they were taught to be mimickers, robots, people that followed SCRIPTS as to what to say or not say or how to refute ‘conversation stoppers’. Tuesday nights were nothing more than a never-ending series of practice sessions on how to preach the way we tell you to preach. I would look around and see that these are people that want to be or allow themselves to be, told what to say, what to think and how to live their lives. These are people that have allowed the lines to blur between a manmade organization and God himself.
Void is a sense of humanity, social responsibility, love and commitment to family, true love of God-not fear, a trust that deep within each of us-we KNOW God and KNOW what is right and wrong, rather the wbts does not encourage us to trust ourselves, rather they foster a dependency and a implicit trust in THEM. I sat there thinking, if we are made in God’s image, each one of us, then the answers are inside of each individual. The other church I went to, encouraged us to look deep inside and find those answers, because sometimes the answer for me is not the same as the answer for you. That kind of thinking does not exist amongst JWs. Individuality is discouraged, from thinking, to comprehension of scripture, to interpretation, to manner of speech, to manner of preaching, to conduct and even to how one dresses.
So, one day, as I sat there and listened to an audience member’s asinine comment that disfellowshipping is like throwing out a rotten pear so the other pears don’t get infected, (pear!? I am like a rotten pear that is unable to ‘unrottenize’ itself, has no human emotion, doesn’t have the gift of free will, etc etc etc) WELL, to compare ME and my complex situation to a piece of flippin fruit was more than I could bear. To top it off, Brother Narrow-minded commented that the Vatican was a huge garbage disaster after the pope’s funeral and how despicable that is when compared to Jehovah’s people. I think I actually gasped out loud, I thought, "but millions were there! They traveled there, of their own volition, the Vatican had no way of knowing how many would be there! The point is not how many garbage cans they had out or toilets, they were THERE! Waiting for hours!" Unlike the militant planning that the Wt does for assemblies, the number counting, the plea for donations, the delegation of which site to go to, the facilities that come with toilets, where you are allowed to sleep, HOW could they, HOW dare they compare!!!" I could not listen to any more simple-minded comments like that. Just to stop and start to love myself again, for myself, not for how I thought others needed me to appear.
That Saturday, 2 elders came to my house. I didn’t answer the door, they left a note to call them. That evening, one elder told me that they wanted to invite me to submit my letter for reinstatement. Bear in mind, I was attending meetings for only 2 ½ months, and missed many. I was shocked. Ok, I thought, I will. I wrote a letter that highlighted MY relationship with God and what I felt it was all about. In the letter I quoted scripture after scripture that stated that it was GOD that forgave, it was to GOD that we prayed for forgiveness, that is was GOD whom we had to expose our sins to. I simply said that I did that, and if the elders felt it time to make a public declaration of something that I was already sure of…God’s acceptance…it was up to them. I also said in the letter that I have researched all the publications and the bible in depth these past 4 years and understand JW’s, God, religion, world events etc more than I ever.
They had a meeting with me the next Tuesday night, asked me things like "Why was I disfellowshipped?" When I gave MY answer, I was corrected and said, "NO, it was for an unrepentant attitude." They asked what my spiritual goals were, they asked what I have learned. They were actually very kind and non-judgmental. But, I think what they were really after, was my worldly husband and 2 kids. They kept asking me if he would study with them, (ask him I said), does he support me in going to meetings, (he says it is my decision), what are his religious views, (ask him).
SO, when the night came for the announcement, one elder pulled me aside and said that the announcement had to be delayed. ????? After the meeting, they told me that my MOTHER had told them that my youngest child went to church, (yup, I said, my husband takes her) and that I had a lot of questions about the society. I told them that I did, but that letter that she is talking about was confidential. It was a daughter asking a mother some questions about JW. It was no ones business. I told them that she breached a trust when she ‘tattled’ to them about my ‘concerns’. I asked them if they would not want their children to come to them if they had heard about the UN scandal, or molestation charges, or how much the society made in US in revenue last year, or to have them explain 607 BCE as it is unfounded everywhere other than JW publications, etc etc. WHO are we to go to if we can’t go to our parent? I asked them if they were calling me an apostate for going to my mother with questions. No No no they said.
Then I went on to tell them about my mother. I said that they have to know who they are dealing with before they make any more assumptions. I told them her history of depression, suicide attempts, shunning of her grandchildren for 4 years, how her PO husband (second husband) just left her because she is so miserable. He was in that congregation for 30 some years, and one day, left a note for her, and was gone. How and why my Dad left her.
Well, one elder just looked at me and said, "The devil works in mysterious ways."
They announced my reinstatement the following week. People came up to me as I tried to rush out, saying "Lets play cards like before" (cards? 4 years of my life and you try to pick right up where we left off?) "Nice to have you back" (I didn’t leave, I was disfellowshipped, stop watering it down for yourself)
I went to England for a month for holidays and when I came back, I was even more resolved to become spiritual, on my own terms, not mans.
Being reinstated: Nothing really changed. Nothing. I thought it would be enlightening to talk to some of my old friends, but the thing is: while I changed, they remained exactly the same. I thought my brother would call and be so happy: it took him 2 weeks to contact me and the conversation was full of holes, misunderstandings, and there was no more connection between us. My mother still shuns my children and me. She was at my sisters wedding at the beginning of Sept and while she associated with my df’ed sister and all the other grandchildren, she shunned us. I realized that when family fanatically shuns a member, it is often just a shield used to hide a very mentally, emotionally and spiritually sick person. Reinstatement was lack luster and a big disappointment. I was petrified that people would be phoning me constantly, but not one has! Silly me, I forgot about that bubble you live in and just survive in, where often there is no energy left for others. I forgot that I have not ‘proven’ myself yet.
I did this because I love my sister in law and her children. Sadly, it did not improve the relationship like I had hoped it would. If anything, it damaged it. I trusted her with every single piece of me. The truth about me was too much for her to handle, to accept. It felt like I had to be what she wanted me to be, in order to be accepted fully. Once you realize that you have lived your whole life like that, you can't consciously continue that and remain healthy. Now, how can I tell her my secrets? My fears? My problems? The trust that she will just listen, not judge, not want me to change, has been hurt. Friendship is based on acceptance of who the other person is. With your best friend, you never have to pretend. You can say one thing about life, your husband, your kids, sex, religion, etc and your friend knows that you could be trying on different perspectives, attitudes, or just ‘in a place’. I no longer know how much of myself she wants to see and it inhibits our friendship more than being disfellowshipped ever did. If you are thinking of getting reinstated for family, don’t.
Live your truth, Jez