I am forcing myself to do this - I feel nauseated, depressed... my hands are shaking. I know many of you see this and laugh. But for those of you who arn't, you know how hard it is for me to do this. I am currently very active as a JW. I have been my whole life. In other words, my entire life consists of activities and people intertwined with the organization. I'm an ex-bethelite, reg. pioneered, current ms, my wife does not know I am doing this - I am a very private person and will lie when confronted about it. I've lied before; lied about reporting my time, lied about an early pornography addiction, lied about the fact that I am not "seeking glory" for myself by attending college. I've given public talks in outgoing halls. In every hall I move to, I spend much energy making sure the brothers know I am a hard worker and want to serve. However, I cannot stand the ministry. Perhaps it's because I have had doubts for many years now, and can't speak from the heart? Perhaps it's because I have a better idea of how I look to people, going door to door, offering the society's literature. I love my family dearly and would not want to be the source of so much anguish... my mother is sickeningly self-righteous and emotional about anything spiritual. I do not want to be a bitter man - but I think I have been for quite a while. Mainly about my choice to go to college. First of all, I wanted to do something I was good at, not slave away day after day like a machine at Bethel, and not ride around in cars all day being lucky to place 1 magazine set. I wanted to do something that I felt was productive. Second, I wanted to take care of my aging parents who have absolutely no retirement thanks to their moving "where the need is greater." I even wrote the society asking them if I was doing anything wrong in going to college. They said there is nothing wrong with trying to "better your financial situation" but that I should just keep in mind my spiritual balance. I guess I am failing. And now I am constatnly second guessing myself. What has got me to this point is not scandals, but the fundamental stuff. Not whether Jehovah exists, but if he really is using this organization. And then the back of my brain tells me, "of course he is... he certainly is not using any other religious organization." So then I hit a brick wall. But then there is all the logistical stuff like "are we really making the good news known in all the earth?" and "if Jehovah has let the system go on in order for the good news to be preached, why are we barely even touching the vast territories like Bangladesh, India, China?" And of course the Big One: "if Jehovah is not going to destroy 'good people' who have not heard the truth, why are we preaching anyway?" And then of course, there is all the evidence of how the organization is ever more reactionary in their policies. If it is God's spirit annointed organization, why do we have to be reactive? Woulnd't we have special foresight, and impliment proactive policy? Many times people have said (including myself) "Jehovah uses imperfect men to run the organization - the only thing that matters is if we are heading in the right direction and that we remain clean. The ones causing others to stumble will be judged." And then I think of Gideon who requested evidence that Jehovah was with him before he went into battle - 3 times! Why can't I ever hope to have the same privelege of seeing evidence of Jehovah's will? Faith is not supposed to be blind.... I don't know if I will ever be able to have these answers satisfactorily answered. Many of you have said things that have come pretty close, but for the most part, I get put off by the bitterness. I know it's no crime to be bitter or defensive... but I just need to figure it out for myself. I'm sure if some of the things that have happened to you were to happen to me I might be pretty bitter, perhaps even "gnashing my teeth" [shudder]? I feel I am approaching the biggest personal event in my life. That is why when I first began to think about it whole-mindedly, I felt like vomiting. You might say I've been "conditioned" but its more than that. You must understand, I was raised in the truth. This is everything I have ever known. I'm not sure I want to even take this any further. I've briefly entertained the notion that I could just "drift away" but I am not that kind of person.... And could I ever turn my back completely? Could I ever DA myself? There are too many aspects of the organization that I hold dear. But then that's the other Big One: am I loyal to Jehovah or the organization? And are they completely synonomous? I may post later, but I have to take this one careful step at a time so I don't get too far along on a path that I do not want to be on. I still don't know what the hell I am doing... please understand.
1st step?
by daniel-p 52 Replies latest jw friends
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daniel-p
sorry about the huge paragraph i put spaces in but they didn't show up.
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lola28
Welcome to the board. I am also an active witness so I understand how hard it is. Take all the time you need we will be here when ever you feel like talking.
lola
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poppers
Hi, and welcome. You've come to the right place; there are many here who will provide good advice.
Next time you post, check the "Automatic Cr/Lf" box below the field where you are composing your post. That should take care of paragraph breaks. -
dezpbem
Hello my friend and welcome,
Your in a tough situation. You sound like your balancing on the edge and don't know which side of the fence to go. I can relate. I think most here can. We've been there and done that. I'd like to say more but at the same time I don't want to influence your decision too much as I feel it really has to be your own. It sounds like there's a heavy weight on you right now with all this. Is there anything in specific you wanted advice or opinions on from others?
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mrsjones5
I know many of you see this and laugh.
I'm not laughing at you and most if not all here wont.
Welcome to the board,
Josie
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Kaput
Welcome, and don't worry about the long paragraph. It sounds like you need to proceed very slowly with this. There is so much to read and meditate on, but don't force yourself to get all the answers yesterday. Eventually, within YOUR time frame, you will begin coming to various conclusions. Use these as stepping stones, and eventually you will start feeling more comfortable with the progress you've made. Many of us would like to just set everything out and tell you "this isn't right", "but they said this", "forget what they said about that", etc., but that isn't going to be of benefit to you. Rather, you must pick and choose what YOU want to think about in order for YOU to obtain the most benefit. As lola28 said, we'll be here to help.
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daniel-p
dezpbem,
I really don't know what I want or need to hear; I can't even think straight.
I want to know the ever-elusive Truth. I want to know, for sure, if I am doing the right thing. If this isn't the truth, I am being taken for a hell of a ride. If it is the truth, we are all screwed. I can say my faith is breaking apart. How could I expect Jehovah to answer my prayers with these doubts? Would he ever give me conclusive evidence like he gave Gideon? If the answer is no, does he think I am somehow more mighty than Gideon, needing no proof?
Please, someone tell me I am not insane. I don't know if I will ever be able to express these thoughts to anyone in my life.... -
lola28
Jehovah is not going to give you any proof that this is the truth. You are not crazy, confused but not crazy. It is so hard to doubt in all the things that you have been taught. For me the momment I began to doubt I felt the worst emptiness I had ever felt. Going to meetings was hard because even though you are with the brothers and sisters you still feel empty and alone. What makes it worse is that you know you can not voice your feelings to those that are closest to you. If you do you could end up loosing them, that is a high price to pay for expressing your opinion and for asking questions.
Take your time, know that you are not alone and that we will be here for you.
lola
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Purza
Please, someone tell me I am not insane. I don't know if I will ever be able to express these thoughts to anyone in my life.... Daniel-P:
Welcome!
And no, you are not insane. When I realized the truth was not the truth, I was a wreck. It took awhile to undo all those years of "JW conditioning", but it is possible to break free. Stick around and read how others have coped -- it really does help quite a bit.
Purza