by Lady Lee 54 Replies latest jw friends
I did. Including close friends.
I didn't like it but I thought the Org knew best. I now realize how much such behavior is tied to a belief that certain people had a right to pass judgement on others and punish them when they didn't do as we thought right.
Welcoming them back when they were reinstated was such a relief - lots of big hugs and tears all around the congregation and I wasn't obliged to act like a jerk toward them anymore.
I guess I was not a very good "witness" either. I did not shun anyone that I knew, who was DF'd....or DA'd...it just went against the "grain"....I felt it wasn't right, they were human, and so they made a mistake?! Who cares? I remember being VERY angry, when the society was DA'ing a lot of the teenagers....they wanted everyone to treat them as tho' they were DF'd...I told my mom, that it was NOT the same, and therefore I'd not be following their advice to shun. I was 15 at the time. It was about 10 years later, i think, the society recalled their thinking on DA'ing, and they wanted all those who'd been DA'd to come back?! It was in a WT......hmmmmm....whodathunkit???
How sad.
So many of us did it but felt bad about it. The power of the WTS mind control is unbelievable
Daystar, I too remember the wide eyed stare.. But I also felt sorry for them. I am a very social person and couldn't imagine being unable to speak!!!!! So I would smile and sometimes even sneak a wave to them.
I didn't even want to open this topic up intially because I feel so horrible about it. It's something I have never come to terms with.
My mother was disphellowshipped after having an affair with one of the elders in the congregation. She was behaving out of the ordinary anyway and I had my suspicisions so I confronted her on the matter. When she confirmed it I was devestated. I was angry too. I felt terrible for my dad. I felt personally betrayed by my mother and the elder. I told mum that she had to go to the elders to which she threatened to kill herself. I was so upset by this that I let it go for a week or two. All the while my mum kept ringing me now confiding in me and still threatening suicide. It was all incredibly traumatic for me personally.
So I rang the PO in her congregation. He wasn't in so I left a message and my phone number for him to call. I just couldn't handle this on my own and I couldn't see this situation improving. He never bothered ringing back.
About a month later the BOE elders found out. Finally the PO rings me back and tells me what a silly little girl I was (aged around 23/24 at the time) for not continuing to try and call him. And what a big problem this has caused in the congregation and how I should have pursued the matter and how I was accountable etc etc. So now I really felt bad. My family might be falling apart, my mum clearly has emotional issues, 2 elders I had known all my life had let me down terribly and I was berated.
Mum & the elder were disphellowshipped. My whole world felt like it was falling apart. I couldn't handle the hurt and the pain of it. So I used the disphellowshipping of my mum as an excuse to shun her. I just did not know what to say to her. I have to say it was an emotionally turbulent experience.
During this period of shunning she told my brother and his fiance that they were to ignore me because of my treatment to her. So my JW brother & fiance did just that. I did go to their wedding ceremony but not the reception. Mum bailed me up after the ceremony to tell me how much I had let her down and how she would have killed herself if it wasn't for the support from my brother. Another thing to make me feel even worse.
After 18 months of being disphellowshipped I got a call from her at work. I didn't recognise her voice at first. She told me that she was being reinstated and she wanted me to come by the house. I felt that I had to. I didn't want to. But I did it for my father. (Who didn't leave her for what she had done.) And so slowly we began communicating. However an already rocky relationship was now non existant. Today things are a little better.
Sorry about the length of this. I should have just left it at yes. But its something that has weighed upon my mind for many years and something I still have a lot of guilt about. This is the first time I have been able to share this. It's not a sensational story but its something that I will always remember with pain.
((((((((((((((((((((((misspeaches)))))))))))))))))))))))
GGG
You know what misspeaches.
I think this is one case where shunning was justified. Your mother did something wrong. Not just against your father but against you.
And then she had the nerve to put the responsibility on you to somehow "fix" it. On top of that she lays a guilt trip on you. And tries to guilt you into keeping quiet or she will commit suicide.
When you tried to inform someone (cuz let's face it your whole family is traumatized by this point) you get ignored. Then the elder blames you for his failure to follow up.
Talk about a scapegoat. Seems to me you were carrying the load for everyone.
Then on top of everything she turns your brother against you.
You know what misspeaches.
You did nothing wrong. Nothing!!!
Hang out with us. We are a lot nicer to people
(((misspeaches)))
Still sitting here shaking my head at the gall of some people
Hang out with us. We are a lot nicer to people
I know. I have learnt that in a very short time. I think I am having a bad week with 'mother' memories. But I am grateful for the support and friendships I can gain from this board.
Thankyou...
And you've set me off again LL and GGG....
awww go ahead and cry. it gets a lot of the toxins out of our system.
I have a recovery book called Cry Hard and Swim. An excellent book for sexual abuse survivors but the title is appropriate here. I had read the book a couple of times and never quite got the gist of the title. Then one day it hit me.
You have to cry so many tears that you need to swim your way through them.
We don't heal if we don't acknowledge the hurt.
You're doing fine. Just make sure you have shares in the Kleenex Co.
I didn't shun anyone - In my heart I knew that it wasn't right - Jesus didn't so why should I. No-one gave me the right to judge others - you just don't know their circumstances.
