16-year-old JW daughter doesn't want to visit, I have visitation rights

BetterGuyNow

It's hard to put it all in one heading, but hopefully you got the idea.

I was DFed 8 years ago, my ex moved to another state (fortunately within driving distance) with my daughter who was around 8 then. My daughter and I have maintained a great relationship ever since. I am permitted to see her a couple nights a week, every other weekend, and alternating holidays, but since my ex moved away, we consolidated those visits into half the summer vacation, and basically whenever I can afford to see her (I am responsible for all transportation costs of our visits).

I remarried 6 years ago, my wife has a daughter a little younger than mine, and they get along great, at least on the surface. My step-daughter resents the "goody-two shoes" nature of my (pioneering, baptized, well-spoken, straight-A student, with the accidental holier-than-thou JW attitude) daughter, but when she loosens up after visiting for a little bit, things get easier.

At the end of our last visit this past summer, she gave me a letter and sobbing she said goodbye. She told me this was our last visit. Her letter sounded "witnessy" about goals and directions and how we're different. Apparently she feels her spirituality is at stake (why? Because she likes spending time with her DFd father?) even though she attends all meetings with a local congregation member.

I collapsed onto my fronts steps and sat there in tears. I knew when she turned 18, I was probably out of her life until she woke up, but she turned 16 this summer. I called the Service Desk in Brooklyn as soon as I could talk about it without breaking down. I talked to two different elders, who behaved as if they were perplexed that such a thing has happened, as if they've never heard of it. He was looking up WT articles that said that disfellowshipping ends the spirtual relationship, not the family relationship. "But that's talking about when they all live together." Let's see what we can find... Seriously. The elder at the service desk at world headquarters was having trouble answering my question of, "Does the organization promote this action?"

I never got an answer. After an hour on the phone with these guys doing the run-around, the closest I got to an answer was: "We don't get involved in custody issues." Well, this isn't custody, but I do have a legal right to see her until she's 18.

So: What do I do? I can legally force her to visit me. I can try to reason with her why this isn't necessary for her to be a good witness. I want her to know I won't just let it go, but when my visitation rights terminate on her 18th birthday, the point is moot. I am afraid that ignoring her letter and pushing her to visit me anyway will make her resent me.

I went to see a counselor who used the opportunity to bash the organization. I mean, thanks, but that doesn't really help me right now. She's still one of them.

Thoughts?

BU2B

This is truly tragic. I cannot imagine the pain you are going through. Have you tried to share TTATT with her over the years? Sadly with two daughters I see this as a possible future for me as well.

Simon

It's tough. It's highly unlikely that it's her own completely independent decision - she's no doubt getting pressured to make that choice.

I would tell her that you love her and always will no matter what and that you accept her decision if it is truly her own choice but that you will be there for her if it is other people pressuring her to make that decision. Tell her she can call you anytime and it doesn't matter how much time may have gone past - you will be deparately waiting for her call and happy to hear from her and keen to pick things up again.

Try to remove JWism from the equation. Make it just about her and you, her father. Don't try to preach or tell her what choice she has to make or convince her about 'the truth'. She'll be getting that from the other side and no doubt feels torn up making the choices she is but at some point will likely rebel against it. Be the reasonable one and she'll remember it. Use every opportunity to remind her that your man concern is her wellbeing and your love for her.

Don't waste your time trying to reason with the elders or the org - they lie and don't care. If anything they see your pain as "proof it's working".

Don't give up, even if it takes years.

(personal experience - I was the kid).

BetterGuyNow

It is tragic. I've always been so close to her, emailing her and calling when we are apart. We send letters and pictures, it's just normal life with us. And suddenly... THIS. My entire blood family that I've ever known are Witnesses. My father is an elder, my mother a regular pioneer. Both judgemental hypocrites. When my mother was in the hospital for surgery, I found out accientally; they never let me know. (Surely a "family matter" - your mother in surgery!) This summer, when my daughter was visiting, I asked her to ask my parents for pictures of my grandparents. My father sent them to my daughter to forward to me, because he didn't want to type my name in the email as that would be contacting me.

My daughter did not want to do this. She wrote the letter because she knew she wouldn't be able to speak. We embraced for several minutes, both sobbing. A local publisher was waiting in front of my house watching all this waiting to take her to a meeting. Her mother had driven over to get her this time.

I was tremendously hurt. And while I've never been a fan of the religion, I've never been wholly against it. But I'm angry now. And I need to be careful that she doesn't feel that from me. I felt set up. I felt betrayed. I feel like my daughter has died, but she is still there, I just can't see her. Her mother won't answer my calls. Part of me wants to go crazy on them and the religion legally, haul them into court, expose their disdain for a natural, loving relationship. They're destroying families, where our relationship has been nothing but good. Any why? Because we don't have the same address anymore. It's sickening. I just wasn't prepared for it. I wouldn't be when she was 18 either, but at least I could have expected it.

BU2B, please explain TTATT. Sorry, if this is a common acronym here, I've only just joined.

BU2B

Good advice Simon.

BU2B

TTATT means The truth about the truth..

BU2B

By the way, I am sure her mother, family and possibly the elders put her up to this. No doubt they painted you as a real threat to her "spirituality" and "encouraged" her to make this decision. This was not of her own doing, guaranteed.

Magwitch

I am so sorry for what you are going through BetterGuyNow. I am afraid I do not have much advice to give (the older I get, the more I realize most of my advice is full of major holes). But, I would like to relate a small experience in my life that may help in some of your decision making.......... I left my JW husband, the religion, friends, home (basically everything) when my two girls were beginning their teenage years. Our girls did not want to be around their father and his crazy religion. Their father never forced the issue and instead let me raise them any way I wanted to, totally void of his presence. The girls are now into their 20's and have a lot of anger at their father that he never made more of an atempt to be with them (Even though they were totally opposed to spending any time with him). They see it now that his life was way more important than being with them.

I say put up a fight for your daughter to be with you. There is 67% chance she is not going to stick with that religion anyway.

And lose the phone # to the society. It is very simple.........They get everything wrong.

BetterGuyNow

Simon,

Thank you for the suggestions. I do appreciate a specific aspect of that: taking JW out of it. Her mother is a bit crazy. She was always an awful wife, but in great standing in the congregation: pioneering, parts on the assembly, etc. But completely demeaning, disrespectful, and emasculating. Before we divorced, my young daughter asked me "Why is mommy so mean to you." It's terrible that a kid should see that behavior in a religous marriage, especially a JW one where they try to govern every aspect of life. My daughter comes to visit and just complains about her mom. How over-protective and unreasonable she is. About all her fad diets and crazy ideas. I have always been very careful not to attack her mother, but to present a level-headed, balanced alternative. I don't know if she was saying it for my benefit or if she really felt this way, but for a time, my daughter was considering asking to live with me when she reached an age where her opinion mattered.

So removing the religion from the equation is actually quite powerful. I know there was pressure for her to do this, but I don't know from where it came. That's part of why I called the service desk. I wanted to know if there was some article or direction that recently came out that would require this. Her mother would never consider the idea that I actually have a legal right to see her, as she is very head-in-the-clouds. She believes she can have whatever she wants, regardless of how it affects others. I think it will be a shock when I remind her about the legal aspect of it, if she ever picks up the phone.

I've considered calling the elders in her congregation to let them know what is happening from my point of view, but who knows: maybe they're the ones encouraging it. I need to connect with my daughter on a father-daughter level and leave everyone, including Jehovah, out of it. Just a father loving and missing his daughter, and letting her know for a fact that he is always there for her. Thank you Simon.

J-DUBBED

I feel your pain as I can relate. Let me know when and how you find a way to wake her up. Then I can try with our son.

16-year-old JW daughter doesn't want to visit, I have visitation rights

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