Hi everyone
Mrs Cedars and I took a trip home recently to visit my family. It was a very draining experience and I guess I'm still trying to process what happened and what it all means for my relationships with these people. More than anything I have been reminded just how deeply entangled multiple generations of my family are in this awful cult. It was sickening to witness the Watchtower's influence on my younger relatives, some of whom are only just starting school. However, for all my work online trying to help total strangers, I'm powerless to do anything for my own flesh and blood. This is a bitter pill to swallow, and I may need a bit of time to come to terms with it - assuming I ever do.
My Dad is still very much in denial over my feelings towards the Watchtower. He can effortlessly start talking about "the Truth" with me as though nothing has happened, garnering my opinion about congregation matters and things like that. Perhaps I encourage him by participating in these conversations, albeit reluctantly, but I don't feel I have any choice if I am to have any kind of relationship with him. The organization is his life, so he can't help but talk about it. If I were to cut him off every time he mentioned something JW-related, things would become strained very quickly - even more so than they are already.
During my brief visit I regularly felt almost "shoe-horned" into being a Witness again. I had already decided prior to the visit that I would attend a meeting at my old congregation. My reasoning was that, though it would be extremely awkward for me, it would only be a couple of hours of discomfort on my part that would make a world of difference to my family and confound some of the gossip that I knew was inevitably circulating about my current inactivity. In other words, it was worth the sacrifice.
In the end, it wasn't all as bad as I expected, although I did take a "calm" tablet beforehand so maybe that had something to do with it. My appearance has changed significantly since I stopped attending meetings, and this inevitably drew comments - with one elder telling me to "get my hair cut". He probably meant it in a friendly or joking manner, but I know there was an element of sincerity to his words and he was probably saying what a lot of people were thinking.
I also had one elderly sister come up to me who I had known since I was very small. She came right out with the question: "People are saying you're no longer serving Jehovah - is this true?" I was astonished by the brazenness of the question, and I asked her who had been saying this? She said she couldn't remember. I didn't want to press her on the issue because she had only moments before told me she was now suffering from dementia. In any case, it only confirmed what I suspected - that the JW grapevine in my old neighborhood was rife with stories of my current lack of interest in "the Truth". Still, I found it unsettling. I could only answer her that it wasn't true and that I'm still a Jehovah's Witness, which seemed to satisfy her. Even so, it was yet another example of my personal beliefs being the subject of scrutiny, and the overwhelming pressure to conform to people's expectations that was an over-riding theme of my visit.
Another example of this came in a brief conversation with my brother-in-law. We were having a brief discussion about another relative of mine. He made the remark that she was doing "really well at the moment" because she is attending meetings again. He must have known that I was no longer attending meetings myself, so how did this comment reflect on me? Was I NOT doing "really well" any more? Perhaps he hadn't thought it through, and maybe he instantly regretted saying it. Still, it was another moment where I felt I wasn't squaring up to people's standards.
Then there were the younger family members who I encountered on my trip - nieces, children of cousins, that sort of thing. Many were clearly besotted with the latest "Sparlock" DVD. I spent some time playing with one young niece who I see very little of apart from these rare visits. We were having a silly conversation about something and she suddenly came out with the chorus line to "Listen, Obey and Be Blessed", which (as you can imagine) sent a chill down my spine. It was obvious to me that this had come from the DVD, which she had probably watched repeatedly. Later, on another occasion, we were flicking through a selection of videos on my Dad's iPad together and she instantly dismissed one video because it was "magical". Again, this reaction could only have been a direct product of the manipulation in the new DVD, and it was seriously troubling to witness the effects first-hand in my own family - but be powerless to do or say anything.
I could also see evidence of division and stifled-dissent against the organization during my trip in some of the older generations. I spoke to one family member who confided that he was unable to speak to his wife about his true feelings toward the organization. In a separate brief conversation with Mrs Cedars my sister expressed dismay that my young niece was having to turn down invitations to the birthday parties of schoolmates on an almost weekly basis. Her husband commented that it wasn't a problem because she could organize a non-birthday party and invite all these children round, but as my sister remarked, what would be the chances of these children all turning up when their own invitations had been snubbed for no clear reason? Again, Mrs Cedars couldn't say anything.
There were all sorts of little things that happened that I found deeply troubling, but I've probably said enough already. The end product of it all is that I can no longer think of the place where I grew up as my home. I don't feel truly welcomed by my family because they clearly don't sincerely accept me for who I am - only for who they want me to be (or imagine me to be). My relationship with them will ALWAYS be superficial. Furthermore, no matter what I do online or how many people read my articles, I am powerless to help my own family members. This is a deeply frustrating realization to come to, but the sooner I get used to it, the better.
Cedars