by Bells 38 Replies latest members private
Just one more thought,
I know this isn't easy... You will have more peace and serenity when you stop caring what his parents think about you because you can't change them. The bottom line is, what they think doesn't matter, he is with you not them, you win, they don't, keep the high ground by not letting your ego get in the way of your relationship. If you try to change them or make him make statements, that is when they will drive a wedge between the two of you.
hmmmm ok some food for thought. Thanks
And don't worry - I never have and NEVER would enter into any type of religious argument - I know better than that and although I can't appreciate their beliefs, I entirely respect their right to have them!
All the 1950's stuff etc. etc. is purely for my own interest...
I think we are going to go and see them and discuss all this soon, fingers crossed and thanks again to everyone who has taken the time to write :)
ps technically, no, I'm not a Christian...
Praying to and worshiping Jesus, a few references.
"It is undoubtedly proper enough for us to address petitions to our Redeemer and Advocate, who loved us and gave himself for us....Although we are nowhere instructed to make petitions to him, it evidently could not be improper so to do; for such a course is nowhere prohibited, and the disciples worshiped him." (Zion's Watch Tower 1892 May 15 p.157)
"Yes, we believe our Lord Jesus while on earth was really worshiped, and properly so... It was proper for our Lord to receive worship in view of his having been the only begotten of the Father and his agent in the creation of all things, including man." (Zion's Watch Tower 1898 Jul 15 p.216)
"Since Jehovah God now reigns as King by means of his capital organization Zion, then whosoever would worship Him must also worship and bow down to Jehovah's Chief One in that capital organization, namely, Christ Jesus, his Co-regent on the throne of The Theocracy." (Watchtower 1945 Oct 15 p.313)
"...teachers and instructors in the Bible and Bible literature and for public Christian worship of Almighty God and Christ Jesus; (From the Watchtower's legal charter, published in the 1945 Yearbook p32)
Hi again,
Just a few more changed doctrines (also known as flip flops)-
accepting blood transfusions, organ transplants and vaccinations - all possibly life threatening!
celebrating Christmas, birthdays, Mothers and Fathers Day
saluting the flag
the meaning of 'generation' - many changes to this one!
There are more. . .
Welcome, Bells!
Nugget and Scully have good advice, but I think Skeeter made the most important point:
Carefully consider whether or not your boyfriend is truly out of the cult. It's one thing to not attend, and quite another to be OUT.
Being able to stay together for ten years is a great start and a hopeful sign that he is serious about your future together. If you both are committed to put your partnership ahead of the Watchtower organization, you can make it work.
The pressure you're feeling may be subtle but it's persistent, and it's unlikely to ever ease. So be sure you both are committed stay the course, through family pressure, through good times, through bad times, and through the emotionally draining great times (such as having a baby).
It's a matter of status and pride for your Witness 'in-laws' to have a family that is'spiritually strong', and a matter of shame and embarassment to have 'spiritually weak' members in their clan. They want you (plural) IN the Kingdom Hall, or sooner or later they will feel pressured to push you OUT of their lives. So please be sure your boyfriend is OUT enough to stay that way, come what may.
Good luck to you both!
The bottom line is, what they think doesn't matter, he is with you not them, you win, they don't, keep the high ground by not letting your ego get in the way of your relationship. If you try to change them or make him make statements, that is when they will drive a wedge between the two of you.
Very very good advice.
Your BF/SO will love you for not putting him in the middle between you and Mom/Family where he feels forced to make a choice. Be understanding about what this emotional tug-of-war put him through.
DOC
Hi, Bells! Welcome to the board!
Wow, you've received a great deal of good advice... I agree with most of it; you'll be able to pick the advice that fits your situation and applies in the best manner, but I do want to make one qualification on Scully's excellent advice...
If I were in your shoes, I WOULDN'T use the actual TERM, "stumbled". That is a very specific word that has special meaning to Jehovah's Witnesses. If you use that in your conversations with your in-laws, that could alert them to the fact that you're carrying on conversations with - or at least learning from - [shudder!!!!] APOSTATES and APOSTATE WEB SITES!!!
Believe me, you do NOT want to go down THAT road with your in-laws!!!
However, if you can IMPLY that you've been 'stumbled' - perhaps using terms like, "discouraged", "dismayed", "upset", "disappointed", "hurt", "surprised" [not in a pleasant way], without actually using that "buzzword", you'll probably have what Scully was providing for you - a quick, easy way to get the in-laws to back off when they become too intense or intrusive or judgmental.
As to your comment:
"I've already told my bf that he needs to tell them explicitly that leaving the religion was totally his decision and I didn't influence him one bit, which he's agreed to, though to be honest I think they will always hold me in some part responsible..."
Unfortunately, his parents will probably continue to fantasize that their son has simply been "misled", as that is much less painful - and does not entail a judgment upon THEM and quite possibly "death" from "Jehovah" for failing to make certain that their son converted - than openly admitting the truth to themselves.
The truth that their son freely chose to avoid the trap of becoming a Jehovah's Witness because he innately felt that there was something not quite right about the religion - sect - cult - is going to be far, far too painful for them to face, especially since his "eternal life" is supposedly involved...
As for your question about why it is such a big deal if the Jehovah's Witnesses are a cult - well, I suspect that you ask that question due to a lack of information as to how damaging and destructive cults can be.
Shortly after I exited the cult - around the age of 30 - a very wise therapist told me to read about cults. She recommended one book; by the time I was through, I'd read around 20 books on cults. It was a real eye-opener; made me very grateful that I'd escaped...
You might want to read as much about cults as you can get your hands on. I exited a little while after "Jonestown" - you remember Jim Jones? Whose cultish brutality caused the deaths of over 900 people? Trust me, there were a LOT of books on cults written around that time - and I read them all.
Most cults tend to be mini-dictatorships; a sort of theological fascism controlled predominantly by males who believe they have a "god-given" right to rule, which makes any and all of their edicts akin to expressions coming from the mouth of "god" himself.
That is what makes them dangerous.
Zid the She-Devil
Zid said:
If I were in your shoes, I WOULDN'T use the actual TERM, "stumbled". That is a very specific word that has special meaning to Jehovah's Witnesses. If you use that in your conversations with your in-laws, that could alert them to the fact that you're carrying on conversations with - or at least learning from - [shudder!!!!] APOSTATES and APOSTATE WEB SITES!!!However, if you can IMPLY that you've been 'stumbled' - perhaps using terms like, "discouraged", "dismayed", "upset", "disappointed", "hurt", "surprised" [not in a pleasant way], without actually using that "buzzword", you'll probably have what Scully was providing for you - a quick, easy way to get the in-laws to back off when they become too intense or intrusive or judgmental.
I agree! I think that word will set off alarm bells for sure. As zid said, I would just use your own words that mean 'stumbled' to them...like,
"I thought JWs were really loving people, but (insert offending action) doesn't seem loving...I'm really confused and disappointed...Don't you love me and respect me even if I'm not a JW? It seems like you only love other JWs." <---this is an example of person who has been 'stumbled', and now might have the 'wrong' idea about JWs! The JWs will want to clear that up for this person and treat them really good to try to 'un-stumble' them.
damn i fell for ya. sorry but i have to be blunt here (my name is frosty for a reason) your boyfriend needs to man the fuck up!
I know being raised a witness he was basically emasculated as a man and never learned the tenants of what it means to be a man and all that it entails.
he should have realized by now that his parents will not change and the strain their behavoir is putting on you two life.
Lisa!
GREAT example!!
Thank goodness your brain filled in where mine fell short...
Zid
