How to handle shunning from family?

song19

We’re technically still in, but just considered inactive by the congregation.

I live very close to my folks, and ever since I revealed my feelings about the WT, (http://www.jehovahs-witness.com/9/158893/1.ashx) things haven’t been the same.

It may be paranoia, but I can’t help but feel that my mom’s comments to me are brief, short, and cold. We use to chat all the time and laugh, and now she avoids me. Any time I do see her, it’s only when the kids are involved.

Our history isn’t that great. She admits that she was a neglectful mother and also that my brother is her favorite. I had my difficulties as a teen, which probably didn’t help much. As an adult though, I thought our relationship improved. We would talk all the time. My mom was my second best friend (hubby #1). I considered us to be very close.

But with her coldness, I am feeling awful, just awful about it. I feel that she hates me with such a passion. I feel that she finally has an excuse to not have to deal with me anymore. I just can’t understand how she can toss me aside.

I was on youtube last night and couldn’t help by relate to this girls situation. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ETYTrEIoYl4

Everything is falling apart. I feel I have lost my mother, my friend. She looks at me so cold, without feeling… it hurts so much.

What do I do?

momzcrazy

My mom and your's are very similar. I backed off for a while. But kept her up to date on things with my kids. We finally had a great conversation last night, for the first time in months.

I also had to go to therapy, for other reasons in addition to her. It helped alot to have someone validate the pain it causes.

Feel for ya girl. PM me if you need.

momz

LovesDubs

This is one of those things where you really have to dig deep my friend. Surround yourself with people who love you unconditionally and find a way not to constantly seek her approval which is unlikely to ever come as long as the Borg is standing. Its her loss and her choice and you will make yourself crazy trying to change the unchangeable. Take some solice from the fact that if the Borg didnt require this neanderthal behavior from their sheep, she wouldnt be doing it.

My family is totally torn apart by the JWs. Totally. My mother in law is DAd....and she is married very unfortunately, to a JW elder. My JW husband and his JW sister and her whole JW family, shun their own mother. The JW elder who is her second husband by the way....has SIDED with the two JW "children" against their mother, his WIFE, and they share gossip and laughter at her defenselessness against their shunning, and they laugh at how frustrated she is and how unhappy she is and they send emails back and forth about her obvious instability. They mock her. And I want to kill them all for what they are doing to this poor loving 66 year old lady. :( She is not allowed to see her JW daughters' 5 kids either...not allowed at their house. Not allowed to call or send anything to the kids....nothing. Cut off like she didnt exist. And finally last week, her daughter sent her a "goodbye" letter...telling her they would never speak again! I am afraid that my mother in law will do something to herself she is so distraught. And she is feeling so guilty becuase she brought them all to meetings as kids and now three of her six children are JWs. Another sad result was that the oldest who was never a JW has taken it upon himself to SHUN the JWS who are SHUNNING THEIR MOTHER to show them how it feels to be shunned....so even further breakage has occurred. And she has a 35 year old Downs daughter living at home with her, and her elder husband takes the Downs daughter to meetings where the "friends" tell her her mother is going to be destroyed at Armageddon for "leaving Jehovah". They often sneak out of the house knowing she cant really stop them. She has filed for divorce several times and cant bring herself to do it.

I have to keep myself away from it all as much as I can. I keep my KIDS away from it. I treat it like it was an illness they have like alzheimers where they really cant think for themselves any more. But there are 6.5 billion people on the planet honey....seek out the ones who give a shit about you and leave the ones who only want to steal your joy to their own twisted lives.

LD

hillbilly

If you can move... distance gets you out of the 'day to day' contact...outta sigh outta mind.

Make some freinds before you cut the rope... get some new activities... hobbies . Down time makes it easy to dwell on the past.

Sucks that a psuedo religion makes people have to plans stuff like this, dont it?

Hill

Gopher

Song19,

As one who is shunned by two parents and one grandmother (all JW's), I can relate.

We all wish to have a good relationship with (and maybe approval from) one or both of our parents. It seems like there's a big hole in our life when we don't have that.

I don't know whether your mother is intentionally being unkind. Maybe she's just scared. She's between a rock and a hard place, wanting things to be as they were (with you being the good little J-dub), while she's still afraid to displease the organization. I have come to the conclusion that my parents operate out of fear rather than a dislike of me personally. They don't associate with me or my sister (or their own grandchildren) due to the religious laws of the Pharisees that rule them, and it's their loss.

jamiebowers

Accept the fact that you cannot change her or make her do what is right. The only person you can control is you, so do whatever it takes to take care of yourself. Make new friends, and you will find many older women who would and will try to take her place. It has happened for me.

Bring_the_Light

not sure how to deal with a mom, but for others, this is an observation, not advice... They can ignore you, but not a fist in their mouth. They expect you to get sheepish and demure at their attitude. I find it enjoyable to treat any stern looks of disapproval as a threat. So what's up U wanna fight? :D I came close to hitting a guy at the hall a couple weeks ago... In a different venue, I would have.

OnTheWayOut

I agree to surround yourself with people who care. If you need to cultivate those
new people to care, then get started.

Meanwhile, try to be civil with Mom. I bet things get closer and closer to normal.
(unless you put up Christmas lights or something.)

It's tough with kids. You have to make a stand and make decisions that they
won't like. Mom is flipflopping, so do what you think is best without consulting her.
She will tire of standing off to the side. If she does manage to stay out of your life,
you haven't wasted time waiting in silence for her.

garybuss

You wrote: How to handle shunning from family?

I'm on the back side of the issue. Witnesses generally didn't associate with me when I was an active Witness, so nothing changed much for me when I left. I kicked the Kingdom Hall door in 1974 and I was a believing walkaway for 18 years, until my Witness relatives started to shun me in 1992.

I'm not really sure I was ever sad about the snubbing. I was pissed. I did retaliate on a very small, minuscule level.

Now, I've accepted it and I actually enjoy it. I hope nothing changes. At first my goal was acceptance but when I achieved acceptance, it wasn't enough. I wanted more. I wanted indifference. I could achieve indifference and hold it today, except for one busybody relative who keeps stirring the pot. It'd be easier if I could move a continent away from the Witness relatives but I live in the same house. I've had the same phone number since I was 21 years old. I'm stuck here.

I have a one strike and you're out forever policy with the Witnesses. That's where the dock meets the deep blue sea. It's their game, but I make the rules. Let em go play with each other.

http://www.freeminds.org/buss/buss.htm

milligal

It's surprising how many people I used to feel so close to, including 3 sisters and 2 brothers who have not spoken to me for the last 7 years. At first there were days it hurt A LOT, but I was so caught up in trying to divorce my JW ex and keep my son that I could not stop to be too heartbroken. Eventually the pain lessened. I can cope now, I am sure the same will happen for you. Moms are hard to 'get over', my JW mom still wants to call me and save me but as time has passed I have evolved out of the need for that inbalanced relationship.

Fill your life with the things that are important to you, your husband, your passions-education, politics, charity-whatever means something to you. You will grow as a person and the need for that relationship will lessen. It might always hurt a little-but it will get better. Best wishes.

How to handle shunning from family?

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