follow up to dating...(online or otherwise)..any suggestions?

by SnakesInTheTower 30 Replies latest members private

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  SnakesInTheTower

  I had posted this on the Online Dating thread (http://www.jehovahs-witness.com/6/141117/4.ashx) but realized it really was a hijack so I have moved it here.

  Regarding dating and online stuff....

  Look folks...I am neither an optimist or a pessimist on this topic..I am a realist and here is the reality for me. I can and do have nice conversations with women...usually better than with men. It seems that I am considered "safe".. whatever the heck that means...women seem to be comfortable around me...but it never leads to a romantic relationship. I have lots of female friends, but none seem to click (their choice not mine). I am doing serious self-examination to see where I am going wrong and will change (or try to at least) whatever flaw is there that is causing the issue.

  I am not a hot stud. I am balding...so what? I keep what hair I have short and neatly trimmed (read: no combover). I am short (5'6") but so what? We all can't be tall. People don't mess with me because I dont take any crap from anyone anymore...and in my line of work you have to have a bit of attitude...I don't allow that attitude to cross over into personal relationships. That would be a problem. I just refuse to be walked on anymore.... 35 years of being raised in a doormat religion have caused me to take this stand.

  I am not fat (but not muscular either), I work out, go to a personal trainer. I try to eat healthy, but enjoy sweets once in awhile. I don't get drunk. I enjoy wine, beer, whiskey in moderation I have a good income, low debt load soon to be 0. I am not a cheapskate. The few times I have taken a gal out to dinner I was not afraid to spend money.

  So why the hell can't I find a nice girl? Because...well.. I think RF hit it right...some of these girls are stupid and seem to get into abusive relationships:

  the women, at least the ones my age, typically go for the guys that will treat them like crap. The ones that will hit them, talk bad about them in public, and just outright disrespect them any way they can

  The rest so far...are already married or too young or old (and I have established a wide age range, so I am not being too picky). Although my pool of choices has widened now that I am not looking for a JW! (I wonder if a girl who never was a JW would really understand a current fading JW?) And to be honest, I think some (not all, some) women are too damn picky...they want that GQ stud and there arent many of them around....I am not GQ anything.

  So I just keep busy, stay mostly happy, keep my eyes open...and hope for the best..... any suggestions?

  SnakesInTheTower (of the "not a psycho guy, really" Sheep Class)
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  brinjen

  Next time your having a conversation with one of these women, watch her signals...

  Feet pointing towards you, her asking questions, good eye contact, grooming herself are all good signs.

  Maybe she's waiting for you to make the first move...
• 

  R.F.

  Ok...i realized the hijack as well so i'm gonna hijack your thread now and post what I posted in the other thread.

  The rest so far...are already married or too young or old (and I have established a wide age range, so I am not being too picky). Although my pool of choices has widened now that I am not looking for a JW! (I wonder if a girl who never was a JW would really understand a current fading JW?) And to be honest, I think some (not all, some) women are too damn picky...they want that GQ stud and there arent many of them around....

  I feel the same way when it comes to my fading JW status. I too wonder if a girl that hasn't been around the religion would ever understand. I too also see the pool of choices being widened now, which is good, so maybe it's just a matter of time before I come across the right one.

  I just don't understand the girls my age though sometimes, well at least the ones in my area. They say they want a "nice guy" but they seem to go for the complete opposite, and then alot of the genuine nice guys are looked over and in the same boat as me.

  I'm 6'1, 220 lbs, not fat and not muscular, and i've been told by others that i'm very attractive. Im also very strict about my hygeine so that's definite plus. I think one thing that's working against me is that I just look way too young to be a 23 years old. Many people think i'm a teenager until they talk with me, then they are intrigued as to why a teenager talks the way I do, so they ask my age. I definitely think there's alot of room for me to be more assertive, more confident in my approach, so hopefully that will grow in time.

  Snakes inspired my slight vent, so thanks for allowing me to lol.

  R.F.
• 

  SnakesInTheTower

  brinjen

  Maybe she's waiting for you to make the first move...

  I've been told I miss the signals all the time.... hmmmm...probably why I did not make the first move... I will keep these in mind. Now I just need to get "out there" and look.

  Snakes ()
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  Jim_TX

  I know it's easy to say this for me - now that I have found my 'one and only' and am married and not 'out there' looking anymore, but!...

  I think that you fellas are over-analyzing the situation too much. If you have gals that you are friends with - and single - and available - IF you take the 'first move', you might discover that they were wondering how long it would take you.

  I had that problem, too. I never knew when it was proper to 'kiss' her... or if it was at all. Or other things.

  Turns out - if you just be your self - things will happen naturally. Or not. If they don't - then they weren't meant to be.

  Also - if these gals are REALLY your friends - that you can discuss anything with - you could (and probably should) just ask them - "Do you ever think that we could be involved romantically?" - or some such. If they are just friends - they'll let you know. If they are waiting for your 'first move', then they might interpret this as a precursor to that.

  Regards,

  Jim TX

  P.S. I also think that too many ex-JWs are letting their 'ex-jw' status get in the way of just meeting a nice gal (or guy). There are others out there who have come from odd-situations - some that might even look your ex-jw background look pale in comparison.
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  R.F.

  Thanks Jim_Tx.

  Turns out - if you just be your self - things will happen naturally. Or not. If they don't - then they weren't meant to be.

  That's something I easily forget about and should focus on more, the thought that there's nothing to lose and everything to gain. It's like I had mentioned in one of my previous posts.....that my assertiveness and confidence is a bit lacking. The lack of of those are no doubt a result of when I used to be overweight(not saying that you can't be overweight AND confident but for me this wasn't the case), and very much saw that it would be save me alot of embarassment by not approaching girls alot.

  R.F.
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  SnakesInTheTower

  Jim_TX:

  over-analyzing the situation too much

  You are correct of course.... That and I agree with RF...I, too, have a serious confidence/assertiveness problem when it comes to the female half of the human race.

  In my line of work I have plenty of confidence and assertiveness or I would die financially. Now to figure out how to apply that to dating...

  I know I asked about this some time back and am working on applying the advice received then....No one else? ...this thread is going to die here I think

  Snakes ()
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  R.F.

  <<<<<<in to save the thread>>>>>>>

  brinjen stepped in on the ladies' side to give her input. I'd personally like to hear from more women on this issue and what advice they can give us two lovesick puppies. No offense to you Jim_Tx, you gave wonderful advice.

  R.F.
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  nvrgnbk

  It's complicated.

  Good luck!
• 

  JWdaughter

  Confidence. I'm not that attractive, shapely or anything else, but throughout my life (I am told) I missed signals. In my mid 30's, during some kind of awareness phase I had, I realized that men (some anyway) WERE sending me signals, indicating interest-and I was just so clueless and lacking confidence that I had never noticed it before. I actually got a bit hyper aware of it all of the sudden and it kind of freaked me out.

  When talking to my sister (who knows all my flaws and obsessions, weird sense of humor, obsession with reading, etc) about some of my issues with my husband, she questioned why I never thought I could find someone if I left him. . .She said-you look nice enough, you are intelligent, why WOULDN'T some guy be interested in you? I set her straight-I would never want to be married again, no matter how this one ended. But it made me realize that I don't have to be perfect or anyone else to be lovable. We all accept people with a lot of flaws-warts and all. We like them even when they are doofy about certain things. We accept them even when they make lame jokes, or cry or fart or whatever. There is nothing fatally flawed about ANY of you. Stop missing the signs. They are not necessarily going to be jump your bones kind of signs, but being a friend is a good place to start. And if they are obviously not ever going to be anything but a friend, ask them if you are giving off any negative messages. Maybe not- you probably just arent' getting the positive ones.

  You guys are all gorgeous to me-you have spirit, and you are funny and kind and irreverent. I have been hoping some surge of testosterone would cause my husband to lose his hair, but no such luck. . . Youth is beautiful too. Don't let the JW thing be your focus. Most others won't care unless it is an obsession.