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Building Trust and Rapport With the Jehovah?s Witness Cult Identity
By an Unbelieving Mate
- Introduction
The purpose of this summary is to assist a family member in building trust with a member of the Jehovah?s Witness religion. The methods used are adapted from the book, Releasing the Bonds by Steven Hassan. This book describes how a person goes about helping a loved one leave a cult. The book is excellent, and for many it can be an invaluable resource of hope and practical action. The book is highly recommended by this author.
One of the most important aspects of freeing a loved one from a cult is to build trust with the cult identity. As Hassan explains, anyone who has a loved one in a cult will find that when they try to speak to them, it is as if "they are a different person". That is because the cult imposes a new identity on top of the person?s authentic identity. Since a person trying to free a loved one will encounter the cult identity, it is important to gain the trust of that identity.
This summary attempts to identify some of the best known ways to build trust with a member of the Jehovah?s Witnesses. It is intended as a supplement to the above mentioned book, and assumes that the reader has fully familiarized themselves with it?s concepts. It is in no way a replacement for reading Releasing The Bonds, since so many of the concepts are presumed. This summary assumes the reader has little or no knowledge of the Jehovah?s Witnesses.
The author is not a professional counselor, only a person with a loved one in the JW religion
. Former witnesses and people who have loved ones in the JW religion have reviewed and commented on this summary.- JW Triggers
- Avoid Triggering the JW Identity
Often in given situations it is best not to communicate with the JW identity. It is important therefore to know what things will trigger the JW identity.
- Common JW Triggers
- Using incorrect JW lingo. (example: Calling Jesus? death the Crucifixion) See 3 Loaded Language
- Using correct JW lingo. (So basically talking about religion at all)
- Violating or mentioning the violation of a JW tenet of faith. (example: Saying "gosh")
- Mentioning an opposing Christian doctrine. (example: Trinity, hell, or immortal soul)
- Criticizing the JW. A Big no-no.
- Mentioning a common JW criticism of another religion. (example: Taking communion)
- Reading or discussing their literature
- When they are getting ready for or returning from a meeting or field service they are in full JW mode.
- Speaking about the current state of the world. (A major support of the JW faith is that complete worldwide apocalyptic is imminent)
- Speaking about death.
- Speaking about politics.
3. Loaded Language
- Don't use if you are trying to talk to authentic self
(more to be added)
- Torture Stake - Cross
- Kingdom Hall -Church. Don't call a church a KH, and don't call the KH a church.
- Talk - Sermon
- Ransom Sacrifice - Crucifixion
- "in the truth" - A Jehovah?s Witness member
- "this system of things" or "the last days"- the here and now
- Links to some glossary web sites
http://jehovah.to/glos/index.html
http://www.jwfiles.com/jw-words.htm
4. Identifying JW Identity
- Role of training
JWs are trained extensively in the finer points of proselytizing their faith. Once a week they participate in or attend a Kingdom Ministry school. In that school they publicly read assigned scriptures, and act out specific and common scenarios that come up in the "preaching work". Certain aspects of communication are focused on to improve the individual JWs communication skills.- Identifiable traits of JW identity
Since people tend to perform as they practice, the JW identity will likely take on speech and gestures practiced in Kingdom ministry school. The JW identity will enunciate and speak properly. JW identity will use the loaded language. JW identity will talk loudly.- KINGDOM MINISTRY CHECKLIST ? To be added
5. Undoing the damage - Fortunately they are very predictable
- If you have attacked the JW
If you have a pulse it is likely you have been frustrated and lost your temper when communicating with a JW. You can?t undo the past. However you can start anew to build up the trust with the cult identity.
- Every negative comment you made should be dealt with individually.
- You can attribute your comments to the emotional state you were in (now you are better and more rational).
- If you said something critical about the JWs, maybe you could qualify or counter-balance it with some positive points. There are many positive aspects to the JW religion!
- Another idea is to concede that what you said wasn't entirely fair. The important thing is to communicate that what you said then, is not how you feel now.
- If you are disfellowshipped or disassociated
This is the most difficult situation. Your only recourse in this situation is to present yourself as desiring to return to good standing, and use the defense and offense sections below.
6. Defense
- Why it is important - They have the truth, if you don?t believe it, something is wrong with you
It is critical, particularly if you live in the same household of a JW or are married to a JW, to protect yourself from the above attitude. JWs are people, and just like any of us they are susceptible to human pride. Since they have the truth, it is very easy for them to presume that something is wrong with you since you don't "see it". If left unchecked, this condescending attitude will come to the point where you have no credibility in their eyes.- Your Faith - The best armor
One of the best protections you can have against the "something is wrong with you" attitude is if you have a strong faith of your own. Even if they disagree with your decision "at this time" to not be a JW, they will respect you much more if you share their fundamental premises of belief in "Jehovah", belief in the "ransom sacrifice" provided by Christ, and belief in the absolute infallible truth of the scriptures. It is a powerful example to show that it is possible to be a Christian, outside of their organization, that is every bit as conscientious as the JWs.- What if you don't believe in God?
Even if you don't believe in God you will probably concede the need to have a system of ethics. Most of the Bible is simply made of practical advice. If you don't think this wisdom came from God, you still should develop, and be able to articulate the reasons why you believe what you do. Find areas of morality where you will agree with the JWs. Suggested reading would include Plato, Ayn Rand, and any books on practical morality.- Never cede to them the moral high ground
By definition, JWs attempt to occupy the moral high ground. It is important that you never allow them to do this without putting up some sort of defense. As a rule, whatever concept they try to employ in defining their moral superiority, can be turned around on them. If you do not allow them to imagine how morally superior they are to you, it forces them to respect you. Below are a few common examples.
- "You have questionable motives behind your decision not to be a JW." This is a common attitude, and it can be easily turned around on them by saying, "I could say that you only believe in the JWs because you want to, not because it is true. Maybe we should make a deal. Let's promise not to make unfair presumptions about why we believe things."
- JWs are convinced they have the truth and by not agreeing with them you are risking your chance of immortal life. If you don't want to join because you "are not sure the JWs are the right religion", the JW will likely adopt an attitude that you should join because "even if you aren't sure it is better to be safe". This can be easily be turned around by pointing out that maybe there is some risk to joining the JW? This thought has likely never occurred to them. "If JWs are not Jehovah's org, then what would that mean? Would that not mean that they were presuming to speak for Jehovah when they claim to be His organization? Wouldn't that be blasphemous? I want to be sure that JWs are who they claim to be so I don't risk participating in blasphemy."
- A neat trick
People need their thoughts and actions to be consistent. You can straight up ask your JW loved one and their JW friends*, "Do you think the reason I don?t want to join is because I am prideful? Or because I am lazy? Or because my faith in Jehovah is weak?" By asking this you put them on the spot. Decorum will require that they say "no". By saying no, you force them to perform an act with which their thoughts then need to become consistent. Ask this type of question whenever you can.
*The opinion of your loved ones JW friends are important because they spend a great deal of time talking about you with your loved one.
7. Offense
- Be the bait
No JW can resist the opportunity to bring a loved one into the fold. On the other hand, if you are completely closed off to the idea of joining then you are a bad, worldly association, risk to their spirituality, and therefore to be avoided. The bottom line is you cannot build up trust with the cult identity if you cannot speak to your loved one.
- Point out positive aspects of the religion
No matter how negatively you feel about the JW religion, you have to admit that there are positive aspects to it. To be effective, a lie must posses a great deal of truth. This is true of the JWs as well. Find out the things you agree with, and talk about them.
- Reading/quoting from the Bible
The infallibility of the scriptures is one of the JWs fundamental premises. If you read from the Bible, you have their attention. They may not agree with your interpretation, so it is a good idea to only read those scriptures you will likely agree on.
- Reading/commenting positively on their material
Nothing makes a JW light up more than letting them know you read and enjoyed their literature. You don't have to read it all. Just scan it, pick out a part you liked, and mention it. They will be elated!
This one is just like 7.4. You can repair almost limitless damage, without a word, just by performing this simple act. It is a required step for those who wish to be re-instated. To a JW, going to meetings is one of the most important acts a person can perform. If you go to a meeting you are "taking in accurate knowledge", and that is what leads to eternal life.
This carries more weight than 7.5. It means you are willing to not only "take in accurate knowledge", but you want to discuss it! The nice thing about 7.5 and 7.6 is they are things you can then take away if you are mistreated. This can be a carrot and a stick.
- Help them (if female) with presentations
This one is important because you are assisting the JW to be a better JW. Also if you provide ideas, especially scripturally based ideas, you show that you don?t have to be a JW to know something about the Bible or witnessing.
- You count as service time!
A great way to get your loved one to discuss their religion without arousing any suspicion is to ask questions, and then ask them if you count as service time. The answer is yes, so this provides them with an extra incentive to speak with you. They get their hours without having to get all dressed up and put themselves in awkward social positions! If you word it right you can make them grateful to you for helping them get service time in.
The bottom line is that your loved one is a JW because they want to serve the Lord in the right way, and they want to do the right thing. Even if you have "questions or disagreements" about some of the doctrines, you have to acknowledge that fact as often as possible.