The pain has kicked in

Pistoff

Hi all and thanks for being here and caring. I have had a bad day today.

Most of you have heard me rant and rave about my thirty years in the borg, not yet over. My family is still mostly in, one son df'd still, but one reinstated and heading for sainthood. Wife, mother and brothers still in, father long since gone.

I have been so angry about being lied to and manipulated; one after another, I have realized that the things I have believed in all my life have little or no basis at all in the bible, or reality. Worse, I am of course expected to keep swallowing them whole, not puke and as I have pulled away slowly, I am the villain in the family. Nice, huh? The old, corrupt men in Brooklyn have lied about the toleration and internal policing of pedophiles, lied about the victims and disfellowshiped Bill, Barbara and Joe just for being stand up people; when I pull away and question the complete trust we have put in these men, I am the bad guy.

All of this is natural, I know. And I know that belief has it's benefits. But today, a beautiful summer day, I could not stop crying thinking as I contemplate my mother's mortality (she is 80) and the increasingly fractured state of my family. I no longer have the rosy feel about the future that I once did, not that I want to have false hope, but all the same today the anger I have lived with seemed to turn to sadness and I just could not stop crying. For the first time in my life, I feel like I have lost my compass. For years, I felt that by example and being with my df'd son, he would sooner or later rejoin all of his family; I have never shunned my df'd son. And he is doing well, in college and figuring out life on it's own terms.

That hope last year was replaced by the feeling that I hope he never tries to come back, just to be sucked back in again to something I know that he will reject as he studies and compares, which I know he will do.

I feel really stuck today. I know that I can never again go back to believing what I know is not true, and today I have a hard time seeing how my family will ever come to have their eyes open.

Thanks for listening; like I said, I had a bad day today.

enigma

(((((Pistoff)))))

Prisca

(((((Pistoff))))) I can understand how you're feeling, I'm in a similar position to yourself.

onacruse

((Pistoff)) I'm glad you felt comfortable to share your feelings like this. Laying out our hearts makes us very vulnerable, doesn't it? Especially when we've been ground up by decades of living in the WTS machine of "be real, and suffer the consequences."

For the first time in my life, I feel like I have lost my compass.

As with your anger, this too is a natural and necessary phase of our recovery. When I first joined this forum (just a few days before you ) I had so much anger, disillusionment and lack of focus bottled up inside...I swear, I just don't know how I was able to hold it in. Sometimes I truly wonder how I survived.

So trust me when I say, it does get better. Your path to resolution and happiness will be different from mine, but hang in there...it can and will happen.

I feel your pain.

Craig

Dansk

Hi Pistoff,

Craig is right:

So trust me when I say, it does get better.

As you know, my wife, two boys and I are all being shunned - even by my two daughters! The first week or two my wife and I cried buckets. I couldn't speak to (non-JW) friends on the telephone without breaking down. Why? Because everything we had been taught has proven to be a lie. Coming from the organisation we would have at one times laid our lives down for this is hard to stomach, so no wonder you're having a bad day.

However, you mentioned that you never once shunned your DFd son - that tells me you're a greater man than anyone in the organisation. That's your starting point, you're kind and considerate - qualities sadly lacking in many borgites!

I've only been out of the organisation around 5 months now and there have been times I have been utterly ashamed of my expletives - words I would never have used as a JW. But that's how it gets you - and a good blast swearing can, in a rather bizarre way, be therapeutic, though I'm hoping it will pass!

A an exJW friend told me that it takes at least six months before one is able to completely chill out, and I believe he is right. We've all been through so much and here we have true friends; friends who REALLY understand where we're coming from. We KNOW how you feel pistoff, but time is, indeed, a great healer. You've done absolutely the right thing - you've poured out your heart here and you'll receive the best "counselling" anywhere.

We all love you, Pistoff. It's unconditional and it's starting to permeate the globe. You have SO MUCH to offer others searching for help. Yes, we may still get the odd black day - but the pain will be nothing compared to what you've been feeling of late. You have family still in but, like so many of us, just let time prove you right. Eventually, I'm sure all your family will come to realise the falseness of the Watchtower - but you're going to have to help them see this falseness by acting better than them. Remember, when they DO see how they've been lied to, they'll need someone to be there for them. It isn't your family and friends that are necessarily wrong. It's that rotten dogma that we all fell foul of!

Pistoff, I've found real joy since being out of Watchtower - and I've done this by tending to my garden, associating with some really good (exJW) friends and just going for walks with my wife. You may not like gardening or other things I enjoy, but the secret is to find something that you DO thoroughly enjoy. Going out into the countryside and seeing and listening to nature first-hand is the greatest tonic I need. Then I come here and log on and am immediately amongst friends.

I consider myself an animistic pantheist now. In other words, I don't have to believe in God but, if he's there, I can appreciate him through creation.

Bless you, Pistoff. Some of your own posts have really helped me and I know they will undoubtedly have helped others, also. This thread, without you even realising it, will also help others - because you have stated what others can identify with and they can fit the "counsel" to themselves. See, you've gone and helped me again!

((((((HUGS)))))) buddy,

Dansk

Guest 77

PO, we all handle our pain differently. I've had connections with the org. since 1948. My story differs from the majority on this forum. Let me cut to the chase. When someone is not honest with me, I'm GONE.

My personal constitution keeps my boat afloat. I have learned to extract any good that I've had from bad experiences. My life is not dependent on what others think of me nor do I 'impose' my views on others. I have and make daily plans and I execute them. If I were to think of what people think of me I would be in the nut house.

Being busy in other activities helps to lesson the pain. A good listening ear does wonders for personal problems. Hopefully the thoughts and suggestions of others will uplift your spirits.

I wish you the best and many positive days.

Guest 77

Xena

Hey PO I feel your pain too Sucks being treated like a villian when you have done nothing but question your beliefs...you haven't hurt anyone you just don't believe the same way they do anymore...but they act like you commited some heinous crime against humanity...you are so low they can't even bring themselves to look at you.

I don't usually dwell on it...had a bad weekend last weekend when all I wanted to do was call my sister and chat...tell her what is going on in my life and find out what is going on it hers...but I just couldn't set myself up for the rejection and condemnation...

Chin up though..you aren't alone .and it does get better....I have great friends now that I can call who I know will be there for me...no matter what my belief or non belief in God is

larrynbabies

We are listening and we are here. I am saying this because sometimes when we are in pain that is what we need the most. To know that someone is there. To know that we are not alone. You may feel at times wheather or not you should sacrifice yourself back to the organization to gain the closeness of those you have lost. This is the most terrible thing,the people who have isolated themselves from you have made a choice. To persicute someone for what their religious beliefs are, or lack thereof is just wrong. It goes both ways I know that I at times have alot of resentment towards the ones who played a part in the suicide of my childrens mother but I cant let that eat me up inside. All we can do is be there for them and hope that they will come around. Live your life, at times it may totally suck but you, at least, are living your life not letting someone dictate how you should feel and treat others. Lead by example,use patience, tolerance, love and forgiveness as your guide and others will follow.

larrynbabies

Winston Smith :>D

(((pitsoff)))

Hang in there.

Winston.

acsot

((((Pistoff))))

I'm so sorry for what you're going through. I know what you mean about your mother's mortality - my mum is 81 and has just had two strokes and a heart attack. Her memory is practically gone and she's so feeble it's awful to see. And I have found myself thinking that it would be good to have that hope again, even if I now know it's false, just to get over these rough spots. Thinking that there is nothing after this life is not something I like to contemplate. I hope there is more, I just don't know.

I know I can't offer much in the way of advice, but am thinking of you and wishing you all the comfort you can possibly find, here on this board and in your "real" life.

The pain has kicked in

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