This is the next phase of my coming-out. Here, described in detail, is all the drama of my involvement with the local Kingdom Hall.
Kingdom Hall Diary, an Outsider's Perspective
This is a diary of my experiences with a local Kingdom hall that my husband, Art, attends. I am a regular Christian, attending the Alliance church a block away. I met Art at the cusp of the new century, introduced through a dating service. I had been a single parent the past twenty years, newly independent as my children flew the nest. I had remained firmly single for all those years, a pillar in my community, constrained by my religion to save myself for that special person. All that waiting made me a little crazy, I think. I did not handle the single life very well. I'm not one to cruise bars or to date casually. Besides, I look like a fortysomething mama who dedicated herself to others. My body was no temple. Which is where the dating service stepped in.
Art was a confirmed bachelor, also in his forties. He was a former Jehovah's Witness when I met him. Reading this diary again, I fear he sounds like he has a hair-trigger temper. He doesn't really. He is naturally mild-tempered as I am. He is a simple man, however, and complex social interactions frustrate him. Just as disabled people will lash out when they cannot articulate their difficulty, Art is frustrated by the Jehovah's Witness lifestyle. A good Jehovah's Witness maintains a deep disdain for people of the "world", while striving to appear as pleasant and normal as possible. Art is not able to maintian this duality. When my friend asked him if everyone except for Jehovah's Witnesses would die at Armageddon, he replied, "Of course." That bald honesty makes true Jehovah's Witnesses cringe.
Which might explain why the local congregation has denied Art his deepest desire, to be allowed to go door-to-door in field service. Besides the problems noted above, he's an unknown convert who just "showed up" at their congregation when he moved from Calgary to Edmonton to be with me. To complicate matters, he did not tell them about me. Being with an "unbeliever" such as myself would definitely have slowed down his acceptance at the hall. Nevertheless, our commitement grew, and we married privately in January of 2003. I cannot say I was ignorant about what I was stepping in to, as I had joined JWD in July 2002. I reconciled myself with the thought that my husband's strong personality could not be completely absorbed by the society, he's temperamentally unsuited to it. I had already undertaken a long-term strategy to include Art in as many "worldly" friendships as possible. So that if he ever wished to walk away from the society, he'd have a place to go. Also, I will not allow him to speak badly of "worldly" people, now that I have provided him ample evidence that there are plenty of good people in the "world". Art married me in spite of the elder's strong advice not to become "unequally yoked" 1 when Art approached his study leader about the "hypothetical" possibility of getting married. The elders even questioned if his own salvation would be sure if he married me. After many sleepless nights, Art decided his short life on earth with me was worth the risk of no paradise for him.
September 10, 2003
Art and I had an argument last night. He started to waffle on his confession thing. I withdrew and became very sad, which bothered him a lot. I told him I did not feel 100% married if he would not tell the people he considers his best friends. He told me he will probably quit or be kicked out, because he is dead sure they won't let him go in service if they knew he was married to me. He admitted they told him as much. By morning he had changed his tune, and said he will tell the elders right away when they meet to discuss his reinstatement.
Also, he is dead set against me starting a study if I am not sincere. He is smart enough to realize that I am not anywhere near sold on the rightness of the JW's. Rough waters ahead.
September 11, 2003
We talked about it briefly last night. As Art can't bear to see me wound up right now, he does not want to get in to it deeply. Nevertheless, he really, really wants to keep me away from the hall. Not sure quite why, except he knows I am not going to get converted.
October 4, 2003
Art has come to a more solid agreement for greater harmony at Christmas. In writing, no less. The man should know better than to trust me with something in writing. I negotiate for a living... among other things.
October 24, 2003
In typical Artie fashion, he has told Elder Harried half the story. Elder Harried is Art's stud leader. Testing the waters. He told Elder Harried last night that he is in love with me and he wants to marry me. Elder Harried was very disappointed in Art, and told him it was "his decision" and it would be on his own head (consequences I guess).
I just found out tonight, after our magazine study. I told Art afterwards this would be my last weekend studying with him, until he tells the elders. He related the above hoping this would appease me. I thought about it. And since he has gone halfway, I would consider halfway - which study would he like to continue - Sunday or Friday? Art started to become agitated and angry. My man hates to be cornered. He said Capital B Both studies, equally important. Then I told him that is how I feel about being married. All the way, 100%. He is stomping around agitated right now. But I think I brought it up at the right moment. We have the rest of the weekend to work through all the emotions of the thing.
November 4, 2003I have been itching all afternoon to tell you this news. Art had an appointment downtown, and visited me at my office as a pleasant surprise. Before we left, I asked if he wanted to say hi to our Jehovah's Witness employee. He took the opportunity to ask her something (probably designed to embarrass me to death.) He asked her if he should take me to the hall.
Sister TooLongSingle (STLS) had a long chat with him about not being ashamed of me (she called me his gem in his pocket!), and that it is the wrong approach to insist that I convert if I want to attend meetings on occasion. She told him that a relationship with Jehovah has to come from the heart (yeah! That's what I said! I told her), and he cannot force me. Also, his business is his personal business and he should not worry about what others think. Yesss! gem in his pocket. gem in his pocket. I repeated it for emphasis several times during our lunch together, until he told me to watch I don't get a swelled head.
LOL!
It turns out STLS goes to the same hall as Art does, just a different congregation. The one who had the samurai swordsman. She filled me in on more details on how that went down. You know, Satan being so strong in these last days, they do have to take measures so that they are not vandalized...
Art was interested in talking to a fellow sister. He was genuinely curious about how she would deal with his predicament. He lamented about whether he would ever be approved for service. She told him that was no excuse, he had to do what is right for my sake.
She was diplomatic, but very revealing on how gossip runs in the hall. She admitted they are no better than the world (phrased more diplomatically of course in my hearing), and though elders have to intervene for serious sin, our own lives are our own business and he shouldn't worry what other people think.
Being another one of those career KH singles (too good for the world and not good enough for the eligible boys at the hall), I don't think we have to worry about her talking to the elders. She related how the gossip mill exploded when she accompanied a young man to the hall (her SON!). Really, a very sweet woman.
I can see how the JW mindset cripples her at work. She is patently unable to accept that she is not following our guidelines - has a lot of trouble accepting correction from the rest of the group. Doesn't listen well (figures she knows how to do it already). The staff resent her behaviour, and I work hard to make them include her in the group. The poor dear has such a puzzled look on her face when she is slighted. She has no idea what she is doing wrong. Probably chalks it all up to Satan's attacks.
I heard more about the Samurai incident. Lucky thing a woman had a cell phone with her in the KH when that man broke in. Rules for that congregation were to leave such technology in the car so it would not be a distraction. STLS related, diplomatically, that the woman had the cell phone with her, but she had it turned off so she was technically not disobeying by having it in the hall. An elder that the intruder charged with collecting bank cards from the congregation blocked the swordsman's view of her while she made the call.
November 9, 2003Well, I did it. I put on my best dress and my lipstick, fluffed my hair, crashed the hall, got through my first service, and met the elders. Before and after the service congregation members tried digging information out of me. I told the truth, but kept everything to a minimum. Name? "Janet." Where are you from? "Down the street." Do you want to start a study? "I will have to ask my husband first." Afterwards, Art called an emergency meeting with the elders. They were very diplomatic and nice. They were shocked as all get-out though, fumbling through the marriage verses. One odd statement from ElderThirdGeneration when he explained how everyone is treated the same in the congregation. "Look at Elder Harried here. He is a convert, whereas I am a third-generation witness, and we are all treated the same." I wondered privately, if they were the same, why he had to point out their relative standing generation-wise? I only contradicted the elders (and hubby) twice during the meeting. Right off when my honey called me his "fiancee". "No honey, we're married." And when one of the elders said "Married to unbelievers". I said, firmly but quietly, "I am not an unbeliever".They gave my honey the Secret to Family Happiness book. I told them I would be happy to study it with my husband. The Elder ThirdGeneration gave a last-ditch effort before I went out of the door, "Obviously you study the bible. What denomination are you from?"
I told him my little testimony; battered wife, 24 hour counselling service, church full of people who genuinely loved God, gave my heart to him that night, and stayed loyal for 20 years. That kind of stopped him in his tracks. I switched gears and asked about his kids.
The elder's wives afterwards were full of congratulations, my honey blushed furiously, and the dreaded meeting is over.
Ha.
Art is gonna have to learn not to piss me off. Now a little bit about my first impressions. Greetings were a little more reserved than what I expect in my churches; there was definitely more curiosity over "where are you from?". If I had mentioned a congregation, I would probably have deflected the offered book study. Mostly the old ladies hung out with me. Sister Hardsell is an absolute dear, with a killer handshake. Boy, does she have her sales pitch down.
Art nearly collapsed when I walked through the door, then he whispered furiously that I should sit behind. As if. I sat down demurely in the chair beside his briefcase. As if he could get through a meeting without that thing. Before the meeting started, he raced to the elders that he had some urgent business to discuss.
The speaker had bailed, so we had only the Watchtower study for that week. Everything closed an hour early, so the congregation was warmly encouraged to use that hour to get some service hours in. That might explain the small mob that appeared in front of me after the service.
The micropohone handlers were old. There was the expected mix of generations, a healthy sprinkling of old folks, except the twentysomething singles and young couples were missing. About six families; two babies. The hall was about three quarters filled. Sister Hardsell whispered confidentially that the Black Family had just started. "From the darkness of their faces they Must Be From Africa." What a cutie she is. There were a few heavy accents around the room; Greek perhaps, and an East Indian couple that did not comment. Now I am not so worried about Art's appearance. All the men had bad haircuts and ill-fitting suits.
November 10, 2003Art is sulking. He is back to square one, more book studies, etc. I betcha Elder Harried is fit to be tied (especially if he is starting to get sick of these "extra book studies"). I do notice that Elder Harried gets the dirty work around the hall. Here he's saddled with Art, the perennial book study, and Bob the Schizophrenic. I wonder how much fun it is to be a first-generation Elder, having to "prove" your dedication at every turn? Art tried to tell me that things will not be better because I took action. I told him he is a fool if he believes that.
We have a ride to the assembly on Saturday with STLS. I am a little nervous entangling work and home life, and I explained so to STLS. While also thanking her for encouraging Art to speak up. She asked me to convey to him how proud she is that he did.
I could not have had a smoother introduction to the JW world Art orbits. He still behaved badly, running off to talk to one brother or another, leaving me standing alone. STLS's sister was a godsend. Did I mention how we all got hooked up? She and her sister STLS who works for me met Art and I at the restaurant. There was quite a lineup, and we had already waited some time. I invited them to join us. I had a wonderful night telling stories and jokes. STLS's sister took me under her wing at the assembly, and we boldly walked up to Art and some of his friends and introduced ourselves. This broke the ice sufficiently so that Art started introducing me properly. Elder Harried glowered.
Some notes from the assembly:
- Deep sadness for the actions of others, but this heavy burden is temporary.
- The three major pains a JW must bear: 1. divided household 2. lose a loved one 3. a family member who has left the truth.
- One may feel useless after many years of serving Jehovah.
- (lecturing a son who had skipped school) "These guys have not been raised to the same high standard. Do any smoke? (nod)...later, son says, "I would never do that!" Father responds, "Are you sure?"
- The world is never going to let up its pressure on us.
- "lovers of pleasures" - these are not wholesome pleasures like going on a family holiday...media driven culture that ..the media is the loudest voice for young people...satan’s influence can be seen in TV, music, internet...extreme repugnant trands...even making inroad in Jehovah’s Organization...there are brothers...become lovers of pleasure...debt load because of the extra labour to pay for these things...
- this hope is very different than hope given by politicians and religious leaders...their knowledge is not accurate...too much non-theocratic literature, television, news...
- If we have that new world sharply fixed in our vision. (my note: Their hope is not in Jesus, their hope is in a future end to suffering)
- We are being prepared for hard times that are undoubtedly ahead...Our faith needs to be tested because our lives will depend on it.
- Provide Jehovah the evidence that Satan is a gross liar (my note: to what court does Jehovah report? To whom does He have to provide proof?)
JW’s are driven by uncertainty of their approved state, all their hopes lay in the future, are taught to disdain anyone outside of their realm, carry unnecessary burdens of grief, and run from imaginary fears.
November 21, 2003Art admitted today that Elder Harried said, specifically, "You betrayed me by marrying an unbeliever."
I told him no way I can go there with elders who treat me like pond scum and they don't even know me. I also talked about "worse case scenario". I told him, if he is disfellowshipped, I know his heart is still for Jehovah, I will accompany him to the hall and sit at the back with him. This is after Art explained that this latest setback is just one of many others, and his determination is strong enough to weather this latest storm. He will prove his loyalty no matter how long it takes.
November 24, 2003I took my third progressive step introducing myself to the JW world my husband orbits. On Saturday, we were invited to dinner at STLS's house. Also in attendance were various members of the other congregation (not the congregation Art attends, but they use the same facility). Elder Jim and his spunky wife, STLS's beau ("we are just friends"), his teenage daughter from a previous marriage, a quiet aunt, a couple of other brothers and sisters.
We had a fine turkey dinner and played a board game afterwards. It was a fun evening. Blondie was right; "spiritual" talk is generally avoided. Art tried to bring up how refreshing the last Assembly was, but he was essentially ignored. Did I see some rolled eyes? I was on the lookout for anything that sets them apart from regular society. Only a few things jarred. No jeans in attendance.
Art noticed the dictionary set of a Brittanica encyclopaedia, and mourned the loss of the complete set. He would have taken it off her hands (How my honey loves collecting books). STLS expressed carelessness with the loss of the complete set (she sold it in a garage sale for $10), after all, such books will not be needed after Armageddon.
Halfway through our board game, STLS suggested the girl close up the top of her V-neck sweater, "Nothing showed, but it pays to be careful.". Man, if I were that girl, I would be strangling her with my eyes and tell my dad he better not marry her or else.
My suggestion to play for toothpicks was met with dead silence. Oh, well. Ha, ha. Is "Oh my Goodness" a forbidden expression? If so, I must have offended several times during the evening.
Art asked Elder Jim if he ever gets to talk in Calgary. Elder Jim explains it is a different circuit, and since the brothers don't know him, they would not invite him to speak. "They don't know if I might say or do something wrong, so they remain cautious". I replied, "I'll say!". Oops. Dead silence again.
Considering that my honey's move from Calgary to Edmonton set his approval status back to zero, I'd say different circuits indeed have trouble trusting each other. Considering the doctrine is centrally distributed and all talks are carefully scrutinized, how in the heck can regional differences develop?
Elder Jim and STLS's beau warmly hoped I would visit more often - firm eye contact - I thanked them for a fine evening.
I get the feeling that my honey, as sincere as he is, will continue to miss the nuances of JW life. He is a convert swimming in a pool of generational JW's. They seem hardened to the endless message to "do more", but are far more finely tuned to acceptable language and behaviour. They appeared normal enough, though there was an unusual level of restraint in the way they acted and dressed. I also suspect some fairly obsessive behaviour lurks under the surface. STLS dreams of trips to Africa. Elder Jim is fascinated with electronics. A brother and sister are obsessively overweight.
What is with STLS and this man she clearly adores? She claims to prefer the single life. Was the dinner a way to spend time with this man without arousing suspicion? How many years will it take to get this romance off the ground?
December 1, 2003And here Art got himself set back. Art said they are short help in all areas. Really. I told him there are lots of women there. Could women do the job? No. Why? Because. Because why? Just because.
I told him I thought he would be able to handle the mikes at least. All he has to do is make sure he doesn't dump it in somebody's lap and hold it steady. I was sure he could do that job without flubbing up.
He told me that I don't understand.
December 2, 2003I have been to the KH again. The talk was about how "worldly" people are chameleons. My friend from the board wonders if they even hear how insulting they are to people outside their little group. Warm welcomes for me, daggers for my honey from the elders. I have been invited to two other homes (declined). The women are nice to Art, though. They tease and pester him. Which means he is himself at least some of the time at the KH. He invites pestering. Awww. My poor sweet man. Square peg in a round organization. He is wondering again if he should switch book study groups. His old study leader is still furious with him.
I counted over seventy people at this meeting, a little more crowded than last time. We were about three quarters full (our aisle was empty). Men are definitely outnumbered. I figure 65% female. There were three preschoolers (two were babies), nine school age, five teens, six in their twenties, and ten definitely in their senior years. The remaining 50% were between 30-50 years of age. This type of demographic can't be good for Sister Goggleyes. She's probably condemned to permanent spinsterhood.
The speaker was Lyndon Harley from Bonnyville. Lyndon compared ordinary people to chameleons, and sympathetically compared the JW’s desire for a separate identity with Quebec’s resistance to assimilation. You know what would be worth critiquing? The School Brochure! Lyndon suggested adults would do well to heed it’s advice. Just as young JW’s are encouraged to avoid Grads, Proms, Clubs, and Sports, adults would do well to avoid class reunions and office parties.
The presiding overseer was there. Two women judged the harshest, the PO's wife (complained about disturbances during services) and Elder UpAndComing's (EUAC) wife. EUAC conducted the meeting and had a definite "hunted" look about him when Art raced up to him to introduce me. I think I will keep away from the PO and the EUAC.
Several women rushed over to meet me and to case out my potential - Sister ThirdGenerationSweetie (mother of two boys), and Sister Hardsell again. Sister Hardsell admonished me gently, "Why didn’t you tell me you were married? "Because He hadn’t said so!" I replied with a smile. ThirdGenerationSweetie hugged me as soon as she met me. Elder Harried's wife, a warm grandmotherly type, she was excited that her daughter was visiting from St. Albert. I wonder how dedicated Elder Third Generaion’s wife is? She was off with a stomach ailment for this service.
Art gained confidence introducing me as the day went on. The women teased, and he blushed. Art was anxious for me to meet Mary, a lovely Czechoslovakian widow who Art has attached himself to. I am sure she reminds him of his own mama away in Calgary. Sister NeverMakeIt ribbed Art quite a bit. A single parent with a cute little girl, apparently Sister NeverMakeIt is only a "study" right now, as she has yet to kick smoking.
I am afraid men like UpAndComing and Elder Harried will not be very happy if Art enjoys himself too much.
December 5, 2003I think I will go to another service in a few weeks. Take the next couple of Sundays to recharge at my Alliance church. Art is being approached by the sisters on Thursday nights, too. "Where is your beautiful wife?". Prize pig at the market indeed.
December 7, 2003
I met one of the ladies from the hall at Staples (hmmm. I wonder how much JW business goes there? Markers, pens, pads of paper, briefcases...). I have to work on eye-contact. It is a bit disconcerting, because they are so intense. I find myself unprepared for these chance encounters, so I naturally want to look away. Yeah, I was looked over like a prize piece of meat again. This lady just got baptized a year ago. I am not too sure she is all there. She is excited about her house selling, as she is going to use the profits to get herself a nice minivan. So much more comfortable for witnessing than those small cars....No sense of humor. I was picking out a pen refill for Art, and I held them up, seriously. "Fine point or medium point, dear? This Is An Important Decision." She agreed with me. And had an opinion. The fine points rip through the paper.
Although that is just her experience.
Scratch her as a potential book-study partner.
Art might be forgiven a little bit. He was asked if he could drive Bob the Schizophrenic to and from church. A privilege. He said, "no it's not". I said, "everything is a privilege at the hall."
December 14,2003The Love Bombing has heated up. We have graduated to familiar cuddles. Yuck.
...and it had to be the Wifely Subjection meeting!!! The first talk, all about how Jesus and his followers had the Accurate Knowledge and nobody else did, and how their field service was so productive, their district was expanded to the rest of the world. Apparently Christendom's Churches, by their spreading of men's traditions and pagan practices, have failed. Portions of Matthew 25 were quoted out of context. Matthew 25:37-40 is all about action not "Accurate Knowledge". Hurl.
Sister Goggleyes quoted a loving sister who had told her that "marrying out of the lord" would make Jehovah a liar. Yeah, reader, this one isn't bitter at all that Art, a rare "single brother" just married - "out of the lord" . Ick.
Sister Hardsell asked wasn't the speaker so wonderful and clear, "Didn't you enjoy it?" I answered with a weak sortof.
My honey so beaming and proud. He likely hasn't had this much attention for years. But it can only end badly.
I have to stay away from that place.
Dec 21, 2004Usually Art is supportive or at least kind. We had an early Christmas at my house this year, since we are visiting his family in Calgary in a few days. He picked a stupid fight with my daughter (very uncharacteristic, and my with daughter he adores). She did not take the bait. He then took off then later came down and tried to challenge my dad. "I guess you have more than one jerk in the family now, huh?" My parents left early. My kids left early. I have been crying ever since.
I suspect his attempt to ruin this Christmas is his way of dealing with the conflicting demands between home and organization.
I don't know how he can repair this. It was so disrespectful and rude, and I refuse to have him ruin all my relationships.
He is diminished in their eyes forever now, unless he apologizes. My kids saw me bravely walk away from an abusive marriage, pick up my socks, and move on. Twenty years a single parent, and I did it on my own. I am brave and loving and wise. They have almost never seen me cry. They feel so sorry for me, and I am sorry that they saw this.
Ah, well. I am a strategist. How he responds will determine my course.
December 24, 2004I warned Art at breakfast that if he pushes me, I will .... pick a study partner, do a book study with her, and let the KH know, kindly, gently, fully, exactly what I think. Then let the chips fall where they may. I warned him it would not be pretty. He was a little confused. I don’t think his JW mind could fathom how this could be a BAD thing. I have had it. I want him far, far away from that judgemental society.
January 1, 2004We generally had a good time in Calgary. We had one dicey moment when Art's sister was drunk and he was warming up on his "death and Armageddon" speech that I warned him three times to drop it or I was outta there. He did not stop. I left. His sister told Art in Hungarian that his marriage would not last a year, and if he thought she would take him in afterwards, think again.
He was seriously hurt and shook up. We talked. He behaved better.
I always said that it was a good thing that Art was not 100% Jehovah's Witness, because then he would be intolerable. I figured his unique personality and makeup would make him resistant to complete sublimation. I do see, though, from year to year, how he does replace his natural interests and desires with those of the society. He IS becoming more judgemental. He disrespects his sister and her lifestyle more and more.
I feel like going to war. My friend in Ontario read Steve Hassan‘s Combatting Cult Mind Control, and said their advice to talk to the genuine self was dead-on. I am practicing that more and more. Responding to Art not in bibletalk but baseballtalk. Joke about his sports interests, his love of window-shopping, his genuine him.
January 30, 2004Materialism Materialism Materialism Materialism
Yes, that is the big putsch this year. I was treated by my first Circuit Overseer meeting last night. The ladies’ attention had a slightly frantic edge to it this time -
Lady1: "Did you like, I mean, wasn’t that a lovely talk?"
Me: "Wellll, there were good and bad parts."
Lady1: (briskly) "Let’s concentrate on the good parts!"
Lady2: "Don’t you like us, I mean, the congregation?"
Me: "You are a very sweet woman and I enjoy chatting with you every time we meet."
Lady3: "I hope you don’t think I am too nosy, but are you Pentecostal?"
Me: You are right, it is too nosy.
Lady3: (persistently) Really, it is all right. My mother was Pentecostal, married to my father, a Jehovah’s Witness, right to the end. He was 94 when he passed away. So are you Pentecostal?
Me: I told you that was too nosy. I am here to provide support to my husband.
Lady3: (kindly, persistently) Really, it is no big deal. She went to her services and he went to his. It is all right if you tell me.
Me: Did she ever attend any of his services?
Lady3: Yes, on occasion, to some of the assemblies....
Me: Did he ever attend any of hers? (hard stare)
Lady3: No, never. (obviously, said the thought-cloud over her head).
I quickly switch to weather, clothes, or babies, and presto, they become human again. I find if I stick to normal topics, I get to talk to the real person.
Our circuit overseer provided three scenarios with consequences:
1. Co-worker of the opposite sex invites you out for lunch or an after-dinner drink. 1 Corinthians 6:14-15
2. Disagreeing with a Disfellowshipping, a congregation member continues to associate with the DF’d one. 1 Corinthians 5
3. A husband is offered a promotion that will separate himself from his family and congregation for periods of time. 1 Timothy 5:8
Of course, it was drummed in to the congregation that their own reasoning power is unreliable to help them make the right decision in these "dangerous" scenarios. I found the comments and reasoning for the second consequence quite telling, but I also can’t help also commenting on number 3. A husband who misses a few meeting isolates himself from the congregation, thus putting himself in the position of endangering himself spiritually. That is very true. The WT indoctrination may hold up less and less in our information and media driven society, unless it is regularly and frequently refreshed. I also found it interesting that the admonition to a father to provide from his family was twisted AWAY from the material to the spiritual, flipping the meaning of the scripture. The CO basically said Jehovah (spiritual) can be relied to take care of the material needs of the family, freeing the man to concentrate on the spiritual, thereby neglecting the material needs of his family.
Disagreeing with a DisfellowshippingThe CO started out with a firm statement, "We get criticism for this policy." Good. They are getting some heat. He then followed up with, "We are either going to follow all the scriptures or not follow them." Even though there is no scriptural justification for judicial committees? He reasoned that DF’ing is done to protect the congregation. Elders are looking for reasons NOT to discipline a person. I agree with this. Unlike the American system of justice where every man is considered innocent until proven guilty, the elders presume guilt from the outset, as per WT policy. He also said that most DF‘d individuals come back. Most say they needed the discipline. And he repeated they have ample scriptural backing for the DF‘ing procedure. Without providing any, of course.
The CO rounded out his talk by telling us that none of these scenarios necessarily apply to our particular congregation. How reassuring.
March 17, 2004
To appease the sisters in the hall, my honey has gone so far to offer a private deal; one of mine for one of his. Every time he attends my bible study, I will attend one of his. He went to his first one last week, and everybody was pleasant and friendly. (It didn't hurt that there was a spread of home-made treats to enjoy afterwards).
Within 24 hours my honey had entangled himself in a cognitive dissonance loop, trying to convince himself and me that he could "convert" one of the hottie members of my bible study group. I immediately dared him, that I could "convert" one of his first. He quickly dropped the idea (scoffing all the way that such a turn of events would be impossible).
I am comfortable with this plan, since it should settle between us, once and for all, if Art will accept me as I am. When we are done, the KH will know Janet.
March 26, 2004Art is getting ticked off at the KH. He is even hoping I will take on some of those stuffed shirts, after he found out he was the only one in his study group that was not invited to a girls’ wedding. He is very, very hurt right now. Funny coincidence, this same week we got an invitation from one of Art’s nephews. At first, Art mumbled about skipping the service and attending only the reception. I really lit in to him then, I mean, surely he remembers what if feels like to be rejected? I told him we are going to attend the whole thing. I offered to cover his eyes for any bad parts. He agreed, to keep the peace. I think even he recognized the hypocricy.
April 8, 2004Mama’s passed away. Art is recovering nicely. We had enough time to say our goodbyes, and have a good rest. I consoled Art by telling him that there was no doubt, by how lovely how mama was her whole life, that she was secure in Jehovah's memory, and that she will be able to join Papa soon on Paradise earth. I reminded him of how loving and generous she was all her whole life long, and the evidence of it was how much family and friends surrounded her in loving care in her death.
Family (Non-JW but very Hungarian) behaved very well overall, much better than last time.
Art and I attended the Memorial on Sunday, my first one. The talk was a very firm and unsubtle reminder that it was Statistically Very Unlikely that there were any of the anointed in attendance. This congregation was much livelier than ours in Edmonton, and about twice the size. I made a new friend, another one of Art's nieces, and my favourite JW to date. Lisa is only a couple of years younger than us, is a single parent (her husband, whom she openly described as a Very Poor Example of the Witnesses, has left her for the second time), works as a teacher's aide and takes classes at night to better herself. We both have ASL Level 2, and we spent the evening chatting about language, the deaf, etc, etc, at a local restaurant. Her hug at the funeral felt genuine.
The officiating priest was Anglican, Rev. Darrin Parkin, one of Art's many, many nephews. I made him giggle with my memories of my first Anglican service. There were no crosses in attendance (probably to appease the JW's), instead a lovely paradise mountain scene covered the back wall. The gravesite was the first "stand" that the JW's made. After the rest of the family made their peace at the headstone, the JW's flocked together (Auntie Tillie bundled Art over to join them) about ten feet away, moved forward as a group, and said "their" words of consolation. A bit melodramatic if you ask me. Worse, on the way back, I was walking close enough to the gaggle of geese to hear their whispered reassurances (between Elder Nephew and Elder Brother) that the Priest's message, though full of comforting thoughts, were "empty", since they did not have the saving knowledge. How I steamed silently! Then Auntie Tillie made it ten times worse by leaning over and telling me it would be good if I attended once in a while, for the sake of our marriage, "Doesn't it work so much better in unity?" I turned my face away and refused to go near her again. Art and I sat with mama's caregivers instead.
The JW's do such a number! Art's mom is secure in Jehovah's memory, since she died before Armageddon. Art, on the other hand, must be in perfect standing with the Witnesses, or else he won't make it! Art repeated to himself over and over how faithful he is going to be in service, so that he can have the hope of seeing mama again.
I attended the district convention with hubby, and I wore pants! (Sly submissive fox that I am, I asked permission first.) And I brought my palm pilot! My honey tried weakly to dissuade me, but I crankily offered to sneeze on my palms and shake hands with every JW in the place. Wisely, he backed off.
My honey was in his glory, assisting his buddy with parking lot duties. They even gave him his own reflective vest. It was the next best thing to actually being asked to help.
I think I scared off the new MS's wife from an easy conversion. She started to blather on about the deficiencies in the other churches. First off, I told her I was pretty sure the Catholics did not remove words from the bible, rather, they had more books than the protestants. Secondly, I told her only a few religions claimed to speak for God. Catholics, of course, claim a descendancy directly from Peter, the rock. I mentioned there were a few more religions that presume to have that kind of authority, but I did not name them....at that point she clamped her mouth shut and her eyes darted for an easy exit.
I mostly did homework I brought from work. The only talk I was interested in was by the visiting speaker, Brother Thomas from the Canadian Bethel. He spoke on "Guarding our Hearts in a Troubled World". He did not disappoint. After rattling off about a dozen examples of disastrous conditions of our world, he smoothed right in to religious persecution and the media. And I quote, "We certainly don't sit at home and watch those shows." Quoting the March 1, 2003 WT, he followed up with, "loyal Christians refuse to believe just anything about their brother." We were told. To admitting to watching Dateline would be completely disloyal to the organization. Do you think this will increase or decrease JW interest in these shows?
The talks were mostly along the lines of "beat the sheep". Brother Thomas warmly suggested in his second talk, "Maintain a Complete Heart in Serving Jehovah", that brothers and sisters should spend more time on door-to-door work, than doing the comfortable return visits with Householder Joe.
March 31, 2004The last bible study at my church was interesting, Lisa a newbie Christian, evangelical flavour (figures we should be a little more aggressive in our altar calls), blonde, plump, and mouthy, took Art on. Told him he was destined to hell. That if he gave her any literature, she would have to pray over it to remove any demons.
Art is alternately fascinated and repelled. Art has had a tough week, remembering his mother. When he gets like this, he resolves to be a better JW (the only hope he has to see her in Paradise) and gets very depressed.
I feel like I am in end-game with the society. Deep and troubling thoughts make me quiet. This year, a few things should fall either way. Will the society accept me as the rebel I truly am? Will Art? We have had a few more rip-roaring fights and some spectacular make-ups as well. I am attending every meeting, because I do not trust the evil spew they are producing. I want to be there to rebut it right away. I am also preparing a line-by-line rebuttal to the "Required" brochure, the one they use on all potential converts, now online at the WTS website.
The women (aside from the full-time pioneers) are starting to keep their distance. I won't give better than an eh-eh neutral verdict on the speakers. Good thing nobody asked last week. Last week was a full hour condemnation of Christendom's churches. A particularly aggressive JW woman from Peru challenged me this last Sunday (CO's visit) "Really? Not any better than that?" I said no, and stared her down. This is the same woman who advised her clutch of admirers to wash their hair in bean water. The women looked dubious, but none contradicted. I don't think she gets stared down very often. Sister LooseMarbles, the petter, still homes in on me. Now I stay standing up before the service starts, and I back away when she invades my space.
June 2, 2004It has been a tough week. My honey has decided he will not attend the football game on a meeting night, risking insulting my parents for the gift.
That led to a rip-roaring fight.
He has been playing kissyface makeup ever since....mowing the overgrown lawn, etc. etc. But I am still down. The JW lifestyle of exclusion is sticking to my skin like a bad soap, and I can't wash off the stain.
June 7, 2004My church wrapped up a forty day campaign to help church members re-examine their commitment to God, by throwing a party. We had hawaiian days at church, and we all came dressed in our best flowered shirts. Details on "40 days of purpose" here. http://www.purposedriven.com .I would not recommend this campaign to an ex-Jehovah's Witness. The materials are directed (we know what the "right" answer is supposed be). Nevertheless, I was able to glean meaning for me.
Specifically, my bible study group prayed every week that my schizophrenic son would call. I hadn't heard from him in a month. He did visit, and I was able to give him a good, long hug. Since then, he has contacted me in one way or another every week. My pastor asked if I would share that little story, he said it would help the congregation get to "know Janet". It went very well, and the pastor's assessment of the congregation was right-on. Several people approached me later and let me know how much they appreciated my story, and asked how my son is doing. I am encouraged. Here is an excerpt from an appreciation card I received from one of the ladies:
"I haven't known you long but hey lady your the bomb. Anyway, I think of all the things you have gone through and you still keep going! It makes me feel the same way."
I did not attend the afternoon session at the Kingdom Hall yesterday, rather, I stayed at the church and had a big ham dinner. So much fun.
Meanwhile, Art fulfilled his obligations by attending the service. He commented to one of the elders about the hawaiian dress next door, and he responded, "They will do anything to attract new members!" I think this is so funny! Do I detect a note of jealousy? I reminded Art that this was a celebration event marking a successful campaign. Celebrating landmarks is such an important part of motivation. Modern leaders know this. And I think Jesus knew this too.
June 21, 2004
I had a bad moment at the wedding reception. One of the nieces commended with some disdain that Art's JW brother, was not there, "of course, he doesn't attend weddings, birthdays, Christmas functions...." Art pondered this for a while, then told me he is "never going in to a church again." I had to leave the table. I sat by the pond and cried for a while, as it sunk in how impossibly contrary the JW headgames can be. To Art's credit, he figured out I was upset, asked what is wrong, and reconsidered the "never" statement. I kept telling him it is no prize to follow in his brother's footsteps, and cut off family altogether. Family is important. Family is important. Family is important. He told me later that he can live without that hour in his life. So I was blue the rest of the night, but when I asked him, please, even if he didn't feel like it, would he dance with me just once, he did.
June 27, 2004In two weeks I will start studying with one of the ladies at the kingdom hall. We’ve picked Monday nights. Sister ThirdGenerationSweetie fussed over which book we will start with, the Required brochure, I think. I offered to put the tea on. Right off she asked what church I went to, I told her Christian, and I found talking about what type of Christian to be offensive (along the lines of asking a mixed-race child what they are). She rambled on about a friend at work who called herself non-denominational but attended an Alliance church - and how odd was that?
We talked about this and that, motherly housewifey things, and she mentioned her husband had learned to cook from his parents. His dad does most of the cooking in his home, and parents have a great marriage even though they were not JW's. Can she even hear herself??
I am laying down my gauntlet, speaking my mind. So my honey and the KH has no doubts as to where I stand. If my honey can't live with the shame of my existence, I will know sooner rather than later.
I have printed off the Required brochure off the internet, and roughed out some basic questions to ask in each section. Other than that, I think I will pray for this lovely woman and her family. Her boys had ignored me completely until they realized I had games on my Palm Pilot. The youngest is the same age as my Naomi.
July 12, 2004And we had a garage sale on Saturday, it was wonderful chatting up the neighbours. And Art was delighted to talk religion with our shy neighbour Melanie. Melanie's husband groaned....."don't get her started on religion!" So she was well able to fend for herself. She is a recent graduate, now working as a social worker, started out in psychology, but also took religion courses at Concordia (a Lutheran college). After much study, she picked the Greek Orthodox church. She obviously has a fine sensibility towards hypocrisy. She sent the one pair of JW's packing when she drilled them with questions about the trinity. They never came back. Art was on cloud nine discussing these things with her, without worrying about his wife dissing him or the neighbour shutting him down. He promised to get her the trinity brochure, she promised to annotate her comments in the margin. I begged both to let me read them. Smart girl.
I had my first study night with ThirdGenerationSweetie. We mostly talked like new girlfriends, I told stories, she thought I was very funny. We didn’t get to the first page of the book, I wanted to know more about her first. We did get in a mental tangle over how "pagan" weddings are. This is my premise for having the study in the first place. I am distressed how my husband’s shunning of family events is having a bad effect on his relationship with his family. I don’t understand it and I don’t like it. I talked about the first tabernacle, decorated by Egyptian artisans, and decorated in a "pagan" style, yet God accepted it. I told her I didn’t care about origins, is the intent pagan or not?
ThirdGenerationSweetie said I was a smart woman, and she would have to brush up on her studies. She used to pioneer, six years. She had to give up, because her body’s immune system broke down, and she contracted a rare disease. Three months of bed rest, and she recovered. She has not gone back to pioneering.
What a cost.
It was nice to see the boys behaving normally, in a normal setting. They now think I am a very cool lady, and they showed off their roller-blading skills. The youngest spilled milk on mom’s books, which provided a pleasant distraction. She tried to be firm, but showed herself more motherly than strict.
Good sign.
July 23, 2004An idea for my next study, which will be in a couple weeks, as ThirdGenerationSweetie is taking a much-needed holiday.
I am going to ask if maybe my concerns are overblown, that maybe some of the things my honey has been telling me is forbidden, may not necessarily be so. After all, he first studied over ten years ago. ha ha ha, maybe the Witnesses have changed their stance on some of these things, and my fears are groundless!
Then I can ask, is it true:
1. That he cannot eat Thanksgiving or Christmas dinner with my family.
2. That he cannot enter a church for any reason, such as to see me get an award, give a talk, or attend a wedding, etc. etc.
3. That Christian Churches are Babylon the Great, therefore I am an "unbeliever" and we are "unequally yoked"?
This can work in my favour either way. She can either deny they have these hard-line stands, and I can start insisting that my honey participate, or she admits to it, and I am more fully justified as an offended wife. This will be close to my original grievance, that my honey's promise to be mutually respectful of our different beliefs is not being honoured.
August 19, 2004Well, it has been two studies since my last report. I am having deep thoughts about the significance of it all, and what I can hope to accomplish.
The "What does God require of Us?" brochure didn't eveng get started, we never got past the first page. I had too many hard questions, I guess I did not follow along like a sheeplike one. Also, I mentioned my take on the Trinity and the Nicene Council early on. Perhaps I let the cat out of the bag too early, maybe it could not be helped. I have managed, however, to establish myself as a sincere, ethical, intelligent Christian.
TrinityThe next study was on the Trinity. ThirdGenerationSweetie came loaded with JW books, which I abstractedly set aside. We started slogging through the scriptures. We had an interesting disagreement about whether Jesus is the Alpha and Omega, both quoting the end of Revelation as the proof text. In context, I claim it is Jesus, in ThirdGenerationSweetie’s reasoning book it claims that the last chapter is a kaleidoscope of speakers. I told her it sounded like an excuse. We finally agreed to disagree, I concluded that we were probably both wrong, as God is more than either one of us could adequately describe. I told the proverb of the blind men and the elephant, which she had never heard.
Oh, yes, she also quoted an article on Constantine, a most partisan bit of writing I have heard in some time. The article made out that he single-handedly incorporated his pagan practices in to the church. From what I have read, he was a military man who facilitated a Christian meeting to get their act together for the sake of unity and peace.. I threatened to get the Encyclopaedia Britannica out of our study to compare, but we did not get that far.
…and we got back to basics, where I repeated my concern that Art treats me and my religion as pagan. Why can’t he come to my church to hear me speak? I asked specifically if the reason JW’s don’t participate in Christian prayers is because of our habit of ending them with "Father, Son, and Holy Ghost". She intimated that the prohibition is wider than that, they won’t join in regardless of the sentiment expressed in the prayer.
ThirdGenerationSweetie told a story from her childhood, where she tried to participate in a piano recital in a Lutheran church in her small town. (The church had the best piano in town.) Though her parents had allowed her to go, and were there to support her, she found she could not play. I asked her if she saw anything overtly wrong, and she had to say not. Her point was though there may not be anything apparently wrong with an activity, it is not good to go against the conscience.
I told her I could relate a similar story. I was a teetotaller for twenty years. My church preached against it. Later, however, I came to my own conclusion that there is no biblical prohibition against it. I still did not drink, however, as I had no desire at that point in my life, to start. Then my dad took up wine making, a hobby perfectly suited to his personality. When he offered wine at his table, I chose on the spot to join in. It would have been a greater sin to dishonour my father. My daughter was watching, and she burst in to tears. She has a very consistent and moral mother, and from her point of view, I was sinking fast.
This story worked well, because ThirdGenerationSweetie sympathized with my independent conclusion, but then, how could she justify my daughter’s reaction? Was it based on emotion or reason? I explained to ThirdGenerationSweetie my mistake was not preparing my daughter adequately to my change in thinking.
ThirdGenerationSweetie collared Art at the next meeting, and told him to study up on weddings, birthdays, funerals and such. She told him he needs to study these things out with me and come to his own conclusion. Bless her heart. She really believes that individual consciences are involved in JW decisions.
InterfaithThis last Monday, our talk was about "Interfaith". ThirdGenerationSweetie did not bring any JW materials to this visit, and said we would do our studies with the bible alone. She started with the idea of interfaith where Buddhists, Jews, and Christians come together to find what they have in common. Ah, yes, I told her about a group of pastors in our city who meet regularly to pray for our mayor. She was mildly scandalized over that.
I also told her that not all churches are involved in joining all religions together. The evangelicals, specifically, will pray together with other Christian churches, but not with Buddists, etc. She said that was news to her, but she believed me. So I guess I have established a certain credibility.
She tried to establish that at some point all nations will be brought to destruction, using Psalm 2 as the proof text. I focused on Psalm 2:10 to the end, pointing out that David was instructing the Kings to be wise. I asked if there are good kings at the end, would God wipe them out, too? ThirdGenerationSweetie said of course not. We talked at length about churches being involved in national affairs. I mentioned Martin Luther King, a pastor who spoke out about civil rights, and thank God he did. Also, I told her that in this violent world, I believe it is our responsibility to deal with bullies like Hitler. And that I would not lay in bed and wait for Jehovah to rescue me if a thief tried to break in to my home. I do believe in war in defence of fundamental freedoms.
I think I did take ThirdGenerationSweetie aback once. She said, "Jehovah's Witnesses have never gone to war."
"Yes they did"
"No they didn't"
"Yes they did, before 1918, as Bible Students"
Here eyes went as wide as saucers, and she stumbled a bit about ever increasing light.
Also, earthquakes. She said they are going up, I said they are not. I told her only one article supports the increase of earthquakes, but no credible scientist would support it. Also, I told her the closest mankind came to total destruction was with the black plague, at about 1000 AD. They had end-time sects back then, too.
I also went on a bit of a rant about "end times". This is a pet peeve of mine even with my fellow evangelicals. There is a certain segment of our society that are wishing the end of the world to come faster, and seem to delight in relating every evidence of death and decay. I told ThirdGenerationSweetie that I am for growth and life and creation. We are God's creation, so it is only natural that we celebrate life, not hope for it's end. I told her I am not taking a blowtorch to my yard to help Armageddon along.
ThirdGenerationSweetie said she missed my point, but she thought my comment about a blowtorched lawn pretty funny. In a way, I think we are both enjoying the mental tussle. ThirdGenerationSweetie asked that I not consider our rather heated exchange as personal, and I said of course not. I am passionate about what I believe.
Our next study will be on what it means to be "Of the World".
December 29, 2005I don't think our study survived another week. We mutually agreed that it wasn't getting anywhere. I learned the hard way that a JW that is not ready to thinking differently, won't. They'd sooner break all contact. ThirdGenerationSweetie seemed impressed that I was a Sunday School teacher. I wonder what she thinks we do. I play and talk to five year olds about what a good job they are doing with the songs and games. "And do we know what we are learning this week boys and girls? Jesus loves us, yes he does!" She also started when I mentioned that Art is my spiritual head. "That's good to hear", she said. But probably my interpretation of submission is a little different than hers.
The Christmas of 2004 was much less eventful. Art didn't lose his cool. My stepmother was going through her final battle with cancer, and Art made amends to her as best he could for his bad behavior. I lost Myrna the spring of 2005. The funeral became another battleground. I phoned up ThirdGenerationSweetie's husband thinking he would knock some sense in to my husband. He only made it worse. There were two services, the first, a viewing on TMS night, would be hosted at a religiously-neutral funeral home. Art did not want to skip the Theocratic Ministry School. The next day there was a service planned at a church. He'd agreed to come to that. That accursed Ministerial Servant advised Art of the opposite - skip the Theocratic Ministry School but don't darken the door of the church - and gave him an earful about being the head of his household. Art ended up blurting something about Paradise at the viewing and I shoved him out the door. Embarrassed and enraged, Art lost it. He did not attend the funeral the next day. I was bereft and alone. That day was probably the closest I came to calling it quits. I credit Blondie for providing the needed comfort and giving me time to get perspective.
Also that spring Art got in to a screaming match with the condo board president on our front lawn over neighbours chronically parking in our fire lane. Art called up Elder Harried to get some advice and support. I negotiated a local truce with our condo police. This incident would later come back to haunt Art.
That fall I got my first big break. I met a girl online who goes to Art's congregation. She was on the edge herself, and we chatted occassionally. I asked that she NOT identify herself, as it was safer for both of us if we didn't connect. But Art was intrigued, and in his innocence, sent a barrage of questions her way. By elimination he figured out on his own who she was. She did the same. After the convention, she was invited to a BBQ, and asked ThirdGenerationSweetie and her husband about us as a couple. They couldn't resist, and regaled the group with our exotic past. ThirdGenerationSweetie's husband made up an elaborate story on how we met in Pagan Christendom. ThirdGenerationSweetie let it slip that I was a Sunday School Teacher! Gaaaaasp. A while later, my new internet buddy told me what they shared about us. I thought it was funny, but Art was incensed. His illustion of congregational unity died that night. After five years of effort, he was still on the "outs" with the "in" crowd. I suggested, if it was still bugging him, that Art confront the gossiper himself, as is the bible pattern. After weeks of agonizing, Art did. And the results. Even I was shocked at the swift and immediate consequences by the elder body.
When Art confronted MSGossiper (MSG), he immediately called over an elder to witness the conversation. Suddenly this was no longer a private matter, it was an investigation! Art was drilled relentlessly on how he found out this information. He spilled it. I learned later that the poor girl I met on the internet was grilled on how she came in contact with me. The elder proposed such ridiculous cloak-and-dagger scenarious as arranging that both of us "bump" in to each other in a public place. In a nutshell, she was not believed that we met online, that such a chance encounter was impossible. She was also warned that if she ever talked with us again that she would be shunned by the entire congregation. No more BBQ's for her! She left the congregation and has not gone back.
MSG offered an apology. But the consequences for Art! They continued. It became abundantly clear that the elders were much more concerned about private internet conversations between congregation members that they were not privy to. Art's blinders had been removed, and he started to add up all the slights that he had patiently suffered for the past five years. All that time he had not yet been approved for service. The injustice continued to eat at him. He saw another JW, married to an "unbeliever", accepted in to service, after only six months of study. I told him "She's completely different. They know her mother, they got to baptize her, a notch on their belt. Besides, she's cute and adorable and you're not." Her acceptance in service did it for him. He had another blowout with the elders that night. He found out that he had not been approved since that spring because of his tussle with the neighbours. That's right, a private call for help to Elder Harried was noted, and they used that information to hold him back. Did they tell him six months ago what he could do to work on his weakness? No. They called him a "loose cannon". He was told to do a study on "humility", "meekness", and "forgiveness". Then they'd sit down and have a talk.
Art's dignity had been trampled enough. He decided he wasn't going back. To that congregation. He will never confide in an elder again, as he is now convinced that such confessions will only go badly for him.
So that's where things sit today. I had a very nice Christmas this year, Art went out of his way to make it special. He even ran errands for my children. He really came through. With all the skipped meetings lately, I've been seeing more of Art's genuine personality. Which is....guess what? Not quite so high-strung.
My church's book study did not work out so well as I hoped. They decided to split along male/female lines, and the men's night was moved to Art's bookstudy night. I think they got frustrated that their direct evangelism rolled of Art like water off a duck's back. Frankly, I think they gave up too soon. They underestimated the power of cult thinking. You can't reason a person out, you must build the desire first. But what has happened is Art and I get Movie Night. The dollar theatre is just down the street, and it is a delightful distraction on meeting nights. I am learning that formula and strategy is not nearly so important as listening. What is my husband saying through body language and choices, is important to him?
Oh, yes. The elders also threatened to find my online activity, print out the evil stuff, and show my husband that I'm not the "supportive" wife that I appear. I have over eight thousand posts to my credit. If they print it all, that's four cubic feet, or eighty pounds of tightly packed typing. I hope they knock themselves out and a few printers too, trying.
1. 2 Corinthians 6:14 Do not be yoked together with unbelievers. For what do righteousness and wickedness have in common? Or what fellowship can light have with darkness?