Depressed and about to lose it

AloneinOh

First, let me say hello to everyone and thanks for such a great place.
I too am an ex-JW. I have been out for 20 years now and even though I thought I was rid of them, certain things

have still been uncomfortable.

I guess a little background is in order. I was born and raised a JW. My grandmother (dads side) was born and

raised a JW. My great grandmother was one of the annointed. Everyone except for one aunt are JWs. Cousins,

grandparents, nieces, etc.... My uncle has been at Bethel now for about 40 yrs. Ever since he was 20. (never

married and never had a date in his life) When I was a kid, I remember my dad going to what was then known

as Kingdom Ministry School. I think this was in 72 or 73. My mom was a pioneer. Eventually my dad became

an elder and was one until I was dis-associated in the early 80s. They blamed him for my leaving and removed

him as an elder. He eventually became an elder again and still is. Every Tues,Thurs, and Sunday, there we

were....never missed a meeting. Every Sunday out in service after the meeting and 98% of the saturdays I was

going door to door. When mom pioneered, there I was....right beside her.

It was all around me...."The Truth, The Truth, The Truth,"....everywhere I turned. That's all I knew.

Once I left I became about as "worldly" as a person could get. I had been so sheltered and kept away from the

world that once I left I went totally out of control. I wanted to do it all....party,party,party.

But, even through all of this, I still knew that it was the "Truth." I even told this to many people....I knew it was

the truth...I just didn't want to live that way. I was weak, I just accepted the fact that Satan had gotten ahold

me with all of these "worldly" temptations. I enjoyed all of these things and knew that my fate was sealed. This is

how it had been for 20 years, until now. I have even told my wife that I felt it was the trurh. She doesn't know

anything about JWs, but said she would support me and stand beside me if I wanted to go back. She is the most

wonderful person in the world and it would be impossible to live without her. There was no way that I could tell her

what JWs believed or show her any of the books. If I had shown her what the truth was and then never did anything

to get back to the congregation I would have sealed her fate at Armageddon. I guess I figured if she was kept

away from learning the truth there was the possibilty she would be spared.

This leads us to 2004.
I don't know how this happened, I wasn't looking for it, but one night while surfing the net I came across an article

that caught my attention. It was something about the JWs selling some land for something like 25 million. Ok...so

I read it. It wasn't a big deal.....they sold some land that they had bought from Bob Hope in 74' .

Well, it didn't hit me until a couple days later.
I sat up in bed and my jaw hit the floor. Did I read what I think I read? Back on the net I went to find that article.

Yep, sure enough, the same guys that were telling me the world was going to end in 75 were investing in real

estate for the future.

Now, I'm thinkin something smells rotten here.
The more I looked the more I found. Unbelievable!
I never kept up on anything once I left...I tried not to look back. I didn't know about the UN scandal. When I left,

the UN was still the scarlet colored beast. I didn't know about any of this stuff. I steered clear of anything to do

with religion.

Now I am totally devistated. I have cried more in the past month than the rest of my life combined. I really thought

it was the truth..I really did. Why...why why why was I so stupid and blind. How could I have let myself be

brainwashed like that. The hurt is incredible....more deep down pain than I thought was possible.

I have never truly had the Christmas spirit. Deep down I didn't think it was right. I could put on a front, but the spirit

was never there. I have never had or wanted a birthday party....never seemed right. Now I think I know why.

Dang it! I WANT the Christmas spirit.....I want that kind of joy in my heart...it's just not fair. All of my life I have had

very low self esteem. I never thought much of myself. Many times I have considered some very stupid things. I

always felt like somewhat of a failure. One of the reasons I never wanted kids of my own was because I didn't want

to make them suffer through Armageddon because of me being such a bad person. Even though I left a long time

ago I am still paying the price.

So, now I am trying to deal with an internal struggle that I never imagined I would.

There are so many things going through my mind that I don't know which way is up.

Mom and dad are a constant thought now too. They spent their entire lives devoted to

this....this IS their life. It didn't matter to me that I was a lost cause......they

were gonna live forever. And now they're not...that hurts......bad. I'm gonna have

to tell them what I know. How could I live with myself if I don't. That will be the

hardest day of my life. I'll probably be branded an Apostate, but I don't care. I

will probably ruin what little relationship we have. Even if they did listen and

found out what's going on, then what.... I have just ruined their one and only

dream. Life really sucks sometimes.

I guess the one thing I do know now is that I'm NOT being influenced by the devil.

I'M NOT! I'm not an evil person! I want my life back and from this point on I AM

taking it back.

I'm really sorry to act like blubbering idiot but I didn't know who to talk to

that could understand...... Now, as soon as I can compose my self long enough, I

need to talk to my wife about this. It's time for her to know whats happened. It's

really been tough trying to control my emotions when we are together. Until now I

thought I was helping her by not telling her anything.

Thanks for listening

avishai

We're here for ya. Most of us have been thru that same pain. Keep your head up, and welcome.

Leolaia

AloneinOh.....I think you found the right place to vent your feelings, so many of us feel the same way as you do. I think your post will help other people as well, and I hope to see more of you around ((hugs))

Wolfgirl

I remember how I felt when I discovered 'the truth about the truth.' I felt like someone very strong had punched me in the stomach. I wanted to throw up. I cried. I felt physically ill. And then...

...I got angry.

I used that anger for a while, to get over the pain of both the abuse I suffered, and the lies I was told. And then I let it go.

Give it time. Learn what you can about what you've been taught, so that you realise just why you should never go back. And then...

...move on with your life. Enjoy your freedom with your wife. Be happy. Don't let them "win." You can do anything you want to do. Be alive, REALLY alive.

By the way, I was born and raised in Ohio. Spent the first 27 years of my life there. I'm originally from the Akron/Cuyahoga Falls area.

Narkissos

Welcome AloneinOh.

Thanks for sharing this. So many people spend their lives feeling banned from some imaginary paradise...

Just a word of advice if I may: be careful with your parents; test what they can bear. In any case, what they cannot they probably won't hear.

I hope you'll enjoy this place.

Take care.

kj

Welcome. You've come to the right place. There are a lot of people who understand what you're going through. Now you know the real "truth" and it will set you free.

kj

Been there

Welcome AloneinOH. I'd like to think you are not alone anymore, you are here.

Many people here have been thru the samething. Hang onto your hat, it's going to be a bumpy ride of emotions. I think you will lose alot of the guilt you have been carrying around with you. I know I did. I was out for almost 30 years when I found this board, and still carried a strange guilt around. Not anymore. Please keep reading things from people who have been there and regroup before you proceed. That way you can see how others have faired with their choices on handling what they found out. Slower seems to cause the least amount of damage in the long run, especially if you want salvage any family ties.

I was raised in the Cincinnati area.

Gill

Welcome AloneinOh!

Well, you're not alone any more and what you are suffering at the moment is exactly what all of us have suffered and I can promise you that in time it will all be a lot better.

It's a bit like taking your first faltering steps as an infant and soon you'll be running, walking and skipping like everyone else and to cap it all you're FREE!

Soon, as the anger and disbelief wear off you'll realise for the first time in your life that you are a free agent who can do what he likes and not suffer guilt for not being in 'the truth' or not going to the meetings.

So, like the others have said, hang on in there because, to steal a phrase, 'the best really is to come'!

googlemagoogle

aloneinoh, you are not alone in oh such a confusing yet liberating situation. keep on searching and think a lot before you really go and confront your family... remember that they won't listen to any arguments you got from the internet. so be well prepared before talking to them or don't talk to them about it.

under74

Welcome out AloneinOh. Thank you for sharing your story. Just remember you're in a place now that many, many people on this forum and not on this forum have been. I hope to read more posts from you soon.

Depressed and about to lose it

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