I want all you lurkers to read my story, in hopes that you fully understand how horrible it is to suffer from "depression" in the organization.
This is not easy for me.... it's hard. But I am going to type it out anyways.
My depression started when I was 7.... I was never a happy kid. I remember writing to the teacher in grade 3 that if I could have anything in the world, it would to be dead.... my teen years were horrible. I would only want to go out and party. When I would come home drunk / stoned, I would stand outside, watch the sunrise, and cry. I just hated my life.... until the Jehovahs Witnesses came to me, with promises of paradise, happy people, and TRUE HAPPINESS. I studied hard, and started to go to meetings, despite my horrible fear of crowds… just another part of my depression, anxiety! Big time! It was a huge hurtles for me to get to meetings, and I was really proud.
I studied, got baptized, and did my best. I honestly tried and succeeded in being the best Jehovah’s Witness that I could be... People were somewhat friendly to me in the hall, and things seemed okay. Yet I was still depressed. I couldn’t do anything about it. Oh well, I am going to be "happy" now.... or so I thought....
*** There may be some swears in this post, please don't get offended. It's really hard for me to do this, and it really pisses me off here, ok? ****
What did I hear about depression? Straight from the watchtower, be careful! Doctors, oooh! Therapists???? Oh god no!!! Don’t go to one of them…… God will make you happy.
The only thing that I heard from the platform was you're not doing enough. Never, ever doing enough. Say that to a depresses person long enough, and he will die. End of story. Can you imagine feeling so guilty after every meeting for not being with the “in” crowd, with my anxiety??? Then to get beaten up every meeting by not saying one good thing about what you are doing?
To make matters worse, the "loving" brotherhood made me feel about as welcome as a boil on someone's ass after I got baptized. They were "clicky" and could give a rats ass about me, or anyone. They would not care when a meeting was missed, even for weeks, because I was always "sad" and there must have been something wrong with me....
Duh. I had depression. Those assholes didn't give one shit about me. They just told me "study, study, field service, field service, socialize".... well, I'm sorry. I have had about enough of this stupid freakin' field service, where I felt like shit. Meetings I was a ghost, and the "gatherings" that I saw were about as interesting as watching "The Beachcombers"... (If you're Canadian, you'll understand why)... I found that the people there were social misfits. Completely. Utterly. And it was every congregation that I went to.... they were all misfits!!! Weirdo’s!!! Well, not all, but most were really utterly perplexing. You would find one cool couple in a hall, and that was it. They would socialize with other people not in the hall, because, as they would confess to me, “this hall is weird”…. DUH.
For years this drudgery went on… I was a social misfit myself. I would not socialize with anyone, b/c they were all too weird. The only cool people were “bad association” type people, whom I would never associate with, because, although not marked or disfellowshipped, they were considered so by the congregation. So there I was, a recluse and an idiot. I would cry every day, every night. I hated myself, I hated life, I hated everything except for the truth. The problem was that the truth was making me sick. Nobody gave one shit. I was labeled “weak”.
I was an emotional wreck.
They would go out and help total strangers, whilst one of their own sheep was dying. They didn’t care. It was my fault somehow that I was so depressed…. I was unofficially “marked”….
I just got tired of it. I rebelled. Shaved my head, started listening to punk and industrial music, hanging out with “worldly” people… it had been about 5 years since it all began, and I began to not give one shit about the truth. Everything that happened there was hurt.
I started to hang with “bad association”… those whom were labeled by everyone else as “weak”… and found them to be far more interesting. We used to go see bands live, go to clubs, get drunk…. They were all cool
This was the best time that I ever had in with the religion. Because I didn’t care anymore about being perfect… yet, I was still depressed. I would still have moments where I was a social misfit, or too stressed to go out… depression. But things are so good, why should I go get something done about it?
Partying didn’t cure my depression.
When I did a big move, to, well, let’s say another city, it was the same old thing… hanging with “Bad association”, only it was an elders son and he hung with other people who were considered bad. We had good times, but the meetings were getting to me… the do more, yada yada yada….. day in, day out…..
I went on meds and felt great!!! My depression was cured… then my eyes opened up and saw what the hell the problem was. The “brothers and sisters” were nothing more than biting serpents…. I COULD SEE IT NOW!!! MY MIND WAS CLEAR!!! I hated it….. in short, I started to hate people in the congregation… I hated the meetings, the constant bla bla bla…. You’re never doing enough!!! Do more!!!! Do more!!! Do more!!!
I met another new “brother” who moved into our hall, and he moved in with me. We had had enough, and moved away…. And told NOBODY. NOBODY, NOBODY, NOBODY, NOBODY.
Those people were not my friends… they were biting snakes. They were assholes. I would never say goodbye to people who put everyone down at every opportunity….
One of the deciding factors was when an abortion clinic was “witnessed” to by bringing the latest magazines on abortion. They were shocked that the person threw them out… well, DUH. They have been having death threats, you idiots!!! Yet, how dare I feel that way…. ENOUGH!!!
How about feeling like God hated me every day of my miserable life. How about how the congregation hated me every day of my life…. How about how they make you feel like shit constantly.
We moved. Bye bye assholes. I will never miss you again…
We moved far away to the mountains…. We had a couple of friends down there that were disfellowshipped. We hung out with them constantly. They were cool! We had some good times…
I went to the memorial, and this asshole who is the congregation elder freak comes right up to us, and starts interrogating me. He says things like, “do you know ******?”… I said, yes, quite well. Oh, do you know that he’s DISFELLOWSHIPPED???”…. YES, I say. I know… giving the impression that I’m not hanging with him anyways… oh, he wants to know which congregation I came from, who my presiding overseer was, yada yada yada…. I told him that I forgot what the congregation was, and I’d get back to him….
I never went back to that place….
I told him that it was really nice getting “talked to” by him, but I had things to do and was leaving. I was pissed off at that asshole. He was the biggest prick that I had ever met.
Some months later, like about 6, my DF’d friend and I are in a grocery store after a day of climbing and having fun… there is the elder… and he yells, “I know that guy, I know that guy”….. and runs over to me, because I am standing next to the DF’d devil…..he says, “are you with him?”… and I say no. (Liar…) I said that I was busy and had to go…. He said give me your phone number, to which I replied NO. End of discussion.
About 1 month later, another buddy and I are having a beer outside on the patio. The asshole drives by in a dump truck, and is STARING at both of us like the biggest idiot you have ever seen.
I was so disgusted with him that I stood up and gave him the finger. Right up in front of everyone at the bar, in front of the whole crowd on the street, and gave him the royal bird. It was the only time that it felt good.
Freedom was mine.
I didn’t give a shit what that asshole thought about me anymore, and it was over. I was free from mind control, free to be happy, free to live.
I think back to what life was like in the congregation, and it still hurts me how they are like biting dogs… trying to pull you down if you seem weak…. Or just waiting for you to get DF’d.
“Beware of those whom come to you in sheeps clothing, but are like ravenous wolves”…
“All my followers will have love amongst themselves”
“God is a god of love”
Those were words from Jesus Christ, God’s son. He warned me, and everyone about these kinds of people. He outrules the Watchtower Bible and Tract Society.
Now I have freedom.
I am free of hatred.
I am free of shame.
I am free of sorrow.
I am free of anguish.
I am free of despair.
I am beyond their greasy paws.
I am beyond their mind control.
I am free.
They no longer control me. I am free… free from guilt. Free from depression.
My life is new. I can now live my life how I choose. I can live guilt free.
GUILT FREE.
Thank you anyone who reads this. It took me about 4 months to write this out… I am going to disassosiate myself from that deleted organization once and for all. It still hurts sometimes… well, when I type out crap like this. I want the final chapter to be over… and I pray that it will be soon.
Shamus.