I'm feeling so down lately my psycology has reached to the bottom. Sometimes I wish I never been born. Looking back my life all there is left is pain. From childhood until now...Born as Witness of the Watchtower my life was already foretold. Having the worsed childhood years, like most of the JWs, coming out from a pour family, and being a child of CO you can imagine what "wonderful childhood" I had, somewere between the Kindom Hall and field service. No friends, social life, birthdays, Christmas presents. My life was depressed. Been a teanager it wasn't better. I was going to school working part time in the afternoons to get some money to buy clothing and shoes since we were very poor family. At the last grade of High School I quit to become "pioneer". The end was so close at the time...yeah the generation that would never die, and it was 1984. My clock stoped at that time...1984...
When I realize that that the WT it is just an American cult it was too late for me. I was 33 and it was spring...is that a coincidence? I don't know, I can't tell. Most of my wordly classmates have good jobs, earn a good deal of money, most of them being to univercity, while I spend years of my life preaching a false gospel and just waiting for the big A to arrive...I tried to supress my feelings and not to make waves. I just couldn't...day by day I hated the WT more and more and more...I just couldn't stand their hypocrisy and lies...one friend of mine she kill her self because of the depression she had by being a witness...I hated my self only by going to the meetings, specially when I have found the meaning of Christianity and seeing all the wonderful things, writtings, plus the 2000 years of history in the Apostolic Church. I could touch places were Apostles walked, martyred, and so many other great things that I have nevered imagine. I just couldn't stand WT any more. I had to go, but I was staying in for family reasons. I had a family and I wanted to keep it together...but a family person arranged that for me, by turning me in to the elders for apostasy, although I was innactive for 6 years.
As a result a broken family, and cut off from everyone. I realize when I have been to the "world" why does WT isolates JWs. Suddenly all of my own, having no friends, no one, sometimes without a job, and the jobs I could get they offered me few money because I was uneducated. As a result I had to work 2-3 jobs to survive. It seems pionnering wasn't enough to support me now. Most of the time I feel depresed, although I'm very good hidding my feelings. Besides this board and one friend, I have no one to share my thoughts. I keep hearing the same pattern all the time even from 2 small children that I love them dearly: Come back to Jehovah....I hate the way they pronounced God's name.
I can't go back...I prefer to kill my self instead of going back. But I just can't take control of my life, everything was written before I was born from the WT cult. I don't have a second chance, and NO one will give me back, my best years of my life. How can they stolen my years? It was my years, my time, my life, and you only live once in this world....I want my time back..can anyone give me my life back???
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...OUTLAW