My home life was extremely hostile. I lived virtually alone in the marriage. My wife fractionally shunned me, and if anybody was giving me crap, she was on their side. In 1992 I'd had enough and I moved out for 7 months. The marriage was an extremely aggravating and lonely experience. One I wouldn't repeat. My mistake was marrying a Witness woman and having children with her. Another mistake I wouldn't repeat.
My son who was living with us refused to eat with us or associate with the family because he said I was bad association. I told him, if I'm such bad association, maybe you want to quit driving my car that I bought and was paying insurance on. And maybe you want to quit mooching free room and board and free food. He'd just walk away and go be with the Witnesses. When he finally had a breakdown, the Witnesses took him out of the hospital against medical advise to be sure he didn't get medical help and counseling and moved him in with a Witness family. I'll never forgive them for that.
Fading.... When your mate won't
by GoingGoingGone 15 Replies latest watchtower beliefs
-
garybuss
-
love2Bworldly
Welcome GoingGoingGone, love your name. If you truly love your husband and want to stay married--then you are in for the fight of your life. Thank goodness your kids are smart. I wish you much luck and patience, only time will tell if your marriage will work out.
-
Billygoat
I don't know if this is your personality or if you could make it work, but...just keep being the loyal and loving wife. Do whatever you can to make his life easier on him. You know the burdens an elder carries. Pamper him, encourage him to have fun in between the responsiblities. Go on picnics, have dates, go to the park and swing on swings. If he sees you being loving and sweet, then perhaps he'll realize how good he really has it with you, in spite of you being GGG. Just a thought...
-
Honesty
Has anyone here successfully faded with a mate who has stayed a JW in good standing?
I tried to fade for almost 3 years. It was pure hell. We are divorced because of my fade, which turned out to be unsuccessful (I finally DA'd last year before they could try me in a secret kangaroo court for apostasy).
I hope it works better for you than it did for me. BTW, I don't care what the cost, I would never ever ever go back to that apostate and demonised cult of horrors and nightmares.
-
GoingGoingGone
Hi all! Thanks so much for the posts...
How important is it to your husband that he serves as an elder?
I ask because your inactivity & fading will almost certainly lead to his removal as an elder.
Some bodies of elders & COs are far more fanatical about this than others, but in general, if your meeting attendance & field service decline notably, he will get pressure because his wife is "not in subjection", and he is not "presiding over his household in a fine manner".
The next step, I imagine, is the PO and/or CO will pressure him to get you reactivated. If he wants to remain an elder, this will lead his pressuring you. If you refuse to cooperate, and the elders/CO see no improvement from you, they will likely "kindly" ask him to "step aside" as an elder. If he does not, he will at some point later likely be "removed".
How strong is your relationship otherwise? Will he resent you for forcing him to lose his prestige?
It is very important to him that he serves as an elder. I honestly think that a lot of his identity is tied up in his elder-ship. He is well-respected, has been an elder about 15 years, was PO in a congregation that we were instrumental in starting, etc, etc.
When I stopped attending meetings completely, I told him that I did not believe the teachings anymore, and that continuing to attend made me feel like a hypociite. I told him that I was most concerned about his position as elder, and I didn't want to jeopardize that for him if it is what he wants to do... that's why (one reason why) I have stayed in so long. He has since told me that whatever I do is "my business"... he won't be removed as elder for his wife's actions. If my kids were to get into trouble, or stop attending meetings, that's a different story. Of course, if he finds out about my 'apostate' activities, then all bets are off...
I know he's been pressured to get me reactivated. I had an 'encouraging' visit from the CO and 2 elders a few months back... I'm sure it's not the last one I'll get. They tread very lightly with me, however, due to some fairly recent, and very tragic, events that affected me greatly. I'd love to say more, but can't right now... sorry... someday!
Our relationship otherwise has been good. I am the good, submissive, JW wife who helps everyone, takes care of my husband's every need, and does whatever he wants me to. I am not backing down on this, however, and so now he doesn't know what to do with me. It's never happened to him before. I think he's in shock.. He hasn't lost too much prestige yet... He's still viewed as the poor loyal elder with a difficult home situation...I think...
I find that my mate and I have our ups and downs. Sometimes there is a respect for my individual right to believe how I want and other times there is not. This is the most dificult thing I've ever done; coming here helps immeasurably.
I agree!! Some days are good, and he doesn't say a word as he gets ready for the meeting. Some days he looks at me with disgust, which makes me angry, since he won't listen to a thing that I have to say on the subject. This site is wonderful, though, the people here are wonderful, and I am so grateful for the Internet!!
Good luck. I truly believe one mate can leave and the other stay and still maintain a happy home. If I didn't I wouldn't be following the course I am.
Thank you! I hope it can work, too. It's just so good to hear what others have been through, whether it worked for them or not.
I don't know if this is your personality or if you could make it work, but...just keep being the loyal and loving wife. Do whatever you can to make his life easier on him. You know the burdens an elder carries. Pamper him, encourage him to have fun in between the responsiblities. Go on picnics, have dates, go to the park and swing on swings. If he sees you being loving and sweet, then perhaps he'll realize how good he really has it with you, in spite of you being GGG. Just a thought...
A very good thought! That is just what I'm trying to do, while trying to keep my own sanity in this crazy situation....
Thank you all so much for the advice. I'm going to keep trying my best to make it work, but one thing is for sure: I can never go back to being a JW in good conscience.
GGG
-
Billygoat
I don't know if this is your personality or if you could make it work, but...just keep being the loyal and loving wife. Do whatever you can to make his life easier on him. You know the burdens an elder carries. Pamper him, encourage him to have fun in between the responsiblities. Go on picnics, have dates, go to the park and swing on swings. If he sees you being loving and sweet, then perhaps he'll realize how good he really has it with you, in spite of you being GGG. Just a thought...
A very good thought! That is just what I'm trying to do, while trying to keep my own sanity in this crazy situation....GGG,
Perhaps while doing this, he realizes that you are happier out of the bOrg, then maybe there is life out of the Tower? I'm sure he's going to get something said to him from other people about his "difficult home life". But with you at the helm doing whatever you can to help him have fun, then he'll have to say something other than agree with them.
Andi