Fading.... When your mate won't

GoingGoingGone

Hi all,

I am in the process of fading. My husband's a well-respected elder. I have 2 teenage kids. I have no problem with anyone in the congregation, in fact I have many very good friends, but I just can't accept the teachings anymore, and I can't be the hypocritical 'happy JW.' I stopped attending meetings about 9 months ago, I think.

The problem is my husband. He was raised a JW, as was I, and thus he knows nothing else. I have been researching everything possible, trying to determine what I DO believe about God and the bible, but he won't let me share any of that with him, as per WT regulations. I have talked to my kids about what I've learned, even though he has forbidden me to do so, and they have both told me privately that they don't believe the JW teachings, and will never be baptized as JWs. That is a huge relief to me, knowing that I have saved my kids from this cult, but my husband has told me that he is never leaving.

Has anyone here successfully faded with a mate who has stayed a JW in good standing? How has that affected your relationship? It's a real problem for me, and any good advice or experiences would be appreciated!!

Thanks!

GGG

JH

Welcome Going going gone,

When one stays and one wants to leave, that spells trouble in the relationship. I'm single, but I read alot here, and man and wife have to think alike, especially when it comes to JW's, if they want to have a happy and long marriage together.

carla

Wow! an elders wife trying to fade! Best of luck to you. I'm not jw, never have been, trying to get loved one out myself. Others here can answer better, but, have you read any of Steve Hassans books? You probably have read C of C. What if you posed only questions to him in a non threatening way? Tell him you are trying to figure out x,y and z and don't really understand where the wt stands on an issue? Glad your kids are wise to the org! Sounds like you have a tough road ahead. My best to you and your family. Someone else here can give you better ideas as I think there are some ex elders and exelder wives as well. carla

blondie

There are several posters on JWD in a similar position. I left a year before my husband. I knew that I would make his situation difficult so we didn't talk about it. Then several things happened to him at the KH that convinced him to leave. Their actions told the story better than I could.

Just work on being inactive. As an elder they will put pressure on him to put pressure on you. Just don't try to prove the doctrines wrong to anyone including your children. Actions speak louder than words.

I'll let these others share their stories with you here.

http://www.freeminds.org/psych/exithelp.htm

http://www.freeminds.org/psych/exithelp2.htm

Welcome, Blondie

garybuss

All the years after I quit attending group meetings and doing door to door fundraising in 1974, I played the part of the silent inactive witness. Most of that time my wife was active. It didn't work well. In 1995 the Witnesses took my son out of the hospital against medical advise and gave him a place to stay away home and away from medical treatment. He was only 20. That angered me so much I became a vocal and active critic of the Jehovah's Witnesses.
I took out ads in the local papers. I set up a dedicated phone message line and I started speaking to interested groups and church Sunday schools. All using my real name. That brought tremendous pressure on my wife and it effectively made her an outcast. Witnesses started to snub her and she quit getting invited to social Witness things. Once she got invited and I insisted on going along. That ended that forever.
I showed her the video of a Witness girl getting disfellowshipped by elders, all filmed with a hidden camera. She never went to another meeting after seeing that video. I also started looking up other former Witnesses and attending their meetings half way across the country. I told my wife I was going and I asked her if she wanted to go along. She went. I quit showing her teachings and started to show her behaviors. I got a copy of the Pay Attention elder's secret book and let her read it. I bought her a copy of Crisis Of Conscious. She read that too. January of 1996 the local daily paper did a front page article on Witness shunning and their blood medical policies. My picture was on the front page of the paper.
Later we looked at teachings, but I found I had to teach her the teachings so I could show her the error. She absolutely didn't believe the Society had ever taught that Jesus was ONLY the mediator for the FDS class. For a pioneer, she didn't know s**t about Witness teachings.
We were both raised as Witnesses and we were both social Witnesses. Neither of us were very religious. I told her I'd prefer to stay married to her but I had no intention to be married to a Witness after what they had done over the years to us. Her relatives tried to get a fight going between us but they were banned from our home after just one try at that crap. We get along much better without the Witness people around us.

jgnat

Hi, Going Going Gone. I am a non-JW married to one. So I'll throw my two bits in too. Blondie is absolutely right, sometimes sitting back and letting the society itself reveal it's hypocrisy is the best approach. It seems your elder-husband's determination to stay has a lot to do with the rewards he receives from the society (his elder-standing, admiration from peers, etc.) He is going to have a lot more trouble maintaining his standing now that you have faded. That will have it's own effect over time.

I figure a decent marriage is where the couple have something in common, or where either partner has a weakness the other complements. Obviously my JW hubby and I have religious differences. I figure we make it work by recognizing and reinforcing those things in common that bring us together. For instance, we both tend to buck the tide in our own way. He does not conform to regular society, I don't conform well to the WTBTS. Both of us are mild, easy-going and friendly. It might help GGG, to make a list of those things you still maintain in common with your hubby, and remind him of those qualities that originally attracted the two of you.

I am a bit of a brainiac-geek. The routines of life (where are my keys?) confound me. My hubby complements my weakness in this area very well, being well-grounded in TODAY. Though he has a great mind for memorizing facts, my hubby is not so good at analyzing information, or even reading maps. I help him with that. Again, it pays to remind each other regularly how we help each other fill in the gaps. He is very good at thanking me when I pull him out of a jam. I do the same. Again, we reinforce our partnership regularly.

How does this help with the whole JW thing? It is a very lonely battle when you don't have your partner at your side. The more you can do to reinforce your God-ordained relationship ABOVE the society, the better off you will be to handle any crap they may fling your way. He will be receiving subtle or not-so-subtle condolences for what he must "suffer" for not having you at his side. Reinforce your marriage for what is coming. As garybuss pointed out so well, it is coming:

Her relatives tried to get a fight going between us but they were banned from our home after just one try at that crap.

sir82

How important is it to your husband that he serves as an elder?

I ask because your inactivity & fading will almost certainly lead to his removal as an elder.

Some bodies of elders & COs are far more fanatical about this than others, but in general, if your meeting attendance & field service decline notably, he will get pressure because his wife is "not in subjection", and he is not "presiding over his household in a fine manner".

The next step, I imagine, is the PO and/or CO will pressure him to get you reactivated. If he wants to remain an elder, this will lead his pressuring you. If you refuse to cooperate, and the elders/CO see no improvement from you, they will likely "kindly" ask him to "step aside" as an elder. If he does not, he will at some point later likely be "removed".

How strong is your relationship otherwise? Will he resent you for forcing him to lose his prestige?

I don't mean to alarm you, I just want to give you an idea of what you might face.

TheListener

I know how you feel. I'm currently fading and have been for a couple years. Yeah I chose a long glide-path. I find that my mate and I have our ups and downs. Sometimes there is a respect for my individual right to believe how I want and other times there is not. This is the most dificult thing I've ever done; coming here helps immeasurably.

Good luck. I truly believe one mate can leave and the other stay and still maintain a happy home. If I didn't I wouldn't be following the course I am.

Billygoat

GGG,

I'm not a JW, nor is my husband. I was DFed years ago and haven't been back since. But I will say the reason I haven't gone back is the fact that they say they're the chosen people of God and that you can see that by the fruits of their love. I found more love among my worldly coworkers than I did within the walls of my congregation! There was more gossip, backstabbing, and downright meanness at the KH than on Maury. If they were God's chosen people, I didn't want to have anything to do with it.

Good luck to you! And congratulations on getting your kids out. I'm proud of you!

Andi

garybuss

The video was a video about a girl, Gloria Muscarella, being disfellowshipped by elders, one of them her uncle.
Committee Meeting with Ron and Michelle Leeds Three elders came over to disfellowship these two Jehovah's Witnesses, and got more than they bargained for! Ron and Michelle do an excellent job of refuting the "God's organization" concept. 2 tapes. TRL
Rick and Laverne Townsend Committee Meeting The first known clandestine recording of a judicial committee meeting, but the most interesting! They were 27 years in the organization, then called before a committee in 1984 for charges of "apostasy." Great! TRLT
http://www.freeminds.org/sales/menuframes.htm
ask Randy Watters at [email protected] about the Video. He has a copy.

Fading.... When your mate won't

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