What do I tell my mother?

Confession

The facts...

-3rd generation of a 4-generation Witness family. 30 members of my family are in--including my mother, father, 3 siblings and their mates and children. (Other relatives too.) Former elder, now 39 years old.

-Was hit by the clue bus about this organization about 10 months ago. Moved to Southern California with my (almost) 18 year old daughter one month ago. Former wife and I are divorced. Am trying to fade. Family (except for my daughter) does not know.

My mother phoned me last night to talk about how everything is going out here. I was waiting for the excruciating question: "So are you all settled in to your new Kingdom Hall out there?" It never came. (Sweet relief!) But I know it will eventually; probably very soon. I'm looking for your advice as to how to handle this. Before you answer, let me make a few things clear...

-This is a particularly zealous JW family. Sidestepping the question will be an obvious indication that something serious is up with me--as will saying that 'I just haven't gotten around to it yet.'

-My parents are 71 and 72 years old.

I make these points clear because I'd like your thoughts on the best way to proceed. I know, I know: "It all depends on how you want to handle it, Confession." Yes, that's true, and ultimately I will make this decision. What I'd like to hear are your opinions as to the right way to go. My mother is especially emotional, and this will positively leave her heartbroken and sleepless. Should I wait until my parents have died before coming out to the rest of my family about this? Should I sidestep questions, not being straight-up with them? Or should I just hit 'em with it? It's very difficult for me not to be open about this, but I'd like your thoughts on whether or not it's simply more kind to keep this hidden, considering their advanced age.

So which is it? Be frank--or just dodge it?

Joyzabel

Welcome to the board, confession.

First of all I don't think it is a black or white issue.

So which is it? Be frank--or just dodge it?

There are too many variables to have only one answer. There may be many, many ways to play out your hand. But think about how it will effect your parents/siblings/other family members/etc and be true to yourself.

You maybe "stumbled" about learning about the UN/NGO thing and want to look into it, for example. But put the burden on the WT and their lies/childabuse/blood policy/df'ing/etc on why you need to really look at things.

*shrug*

just a thought

luna2

Are they in ill health? Cuz you might have a lot of years left to dodge questions (early 70's isn't as old as it once was)...If she talks to your daughter and asks her direct questions, what will be the result? Will your parents ever come out and visit you?

Not saying you should come out and tell them or anything...I mean, that's the point of a fade, to not have to confront and get shunned...but I'm just wondering how you are going to accomplish this.

I really suck at being evasive, so I'm afraid I have no great suggestions. I don't envy you trying to come up with a strategy. Eeek!

garybuss

I vote for keeping rapport . . . anyway that can be done.

prophecor

My mother phoned me last night to talk about how everything is going out here. I was waiting for the excruciating question: "So are you all settled in to your new Kingdom Hall out there?"

Mothers are quite often very intuitive as to their children, they can read us much better than we can try to put out a script to keep them at bay. Do to the fact that she's a staunch supporter of the WTBTS, with years invested it would seem to me that the first thing she would've asked you is....

"So are you all settled in to your new Kingdom Hall out there?"

Because she didn't immediately ask, might she already have an indication as to your situation?

Might she already have some idea as to how you're feeling or thinking, though she may not say anything?

You're divorced, for nearly an entire year, you've been having issues with the WTBTS. You don't think that you've already shown some signs or signals as to your no longer having the faith that you once had? She may know more than she's let on, already.

wanderlustguy

If you keep the fade going, it's easier for them to keep talking to you because there is so much more gray area than if you flat say you don't beleive it.

Granted you will feel like there is so much unsaid...but you will still have the relationships.

I like where I am with the fade, still talk to the ones that matter to me, and the ones that don't...well... I don't!

WLG

Legolas

Sorry.........I went in and came out as an adult ( with my husband and son and daughter, our son left 3 years ago, myself, husband and daughter left last month) I hope it goes well for you........keep us posted.

willyloman

Here's my 2:

As a former elder and long-time fully immersed dub, you have a real advantage here. You know how the JW system works and you understand the ground rules.

You mention a divorce and a move to a distant place. These are major stress producing events in a life, and my suggestion is you do two things about that:

1. Get some professional help in the form of therapy; talking this all out will help immensely and you need to shed a lot of dub baggage.

2. Use the fact that you are going through "a difficult period" to fade. Do not say you're fading, do not grant any interviews about the "clue bus" that hit you. Your mother, as one poster acknowledged, already senses you are hurting. You can use that to your advantage. Think about the people in the congos you've known who had chronic illness or depression. While some lip service is paid to "helping" them, isn't it true that most dubs kept their distance while waiting for them to "snap out of it?"

You can be that person. I know, it means playing a game, but you won't have to play it forever. In time, and perhaps sooner than you can imagine, you will be freed from the fears you now have and your way will be clear.

Meanwhile, be zen; go with the flow. Cultivate new friends and new interests. Educate yourself about dub history so you can learn the truth about "the truth." Knowledge is power.

Be well, and at peace.

HappyDad

My 2 cents worth is for you to keep Mom happy. Do what you can do. Tell her you are very busy with work or whatever. At the age your parents are at.........they don't need traumatic emotional setbacks knowing the son they love doesn't want the WT religion.

If you drop the bomb...........it will make for a bad relationship.......as short as it may be.

Sometimes .......compromise at the expense of truthfulness is needed. The WT calls it Theocratic Warfare.......

I think to keep family from getting bent out of shape (in certain cases) our true feelings can be held back a little.

HappyDad

hopelesslystained

I agree with Wily and Happy. I didn't fade, I just quit going, divorced, and disappeared with 2 children. I may have not been the best parent but it was definitely the right choice for me and mine. Plus, I never confronted my now 80+ yr old parents. My Father a PO for 30+ yrs and 3 siblings, 1 grandmother, 2 aunts and 1 uncle all very much into their cult. They have all tried confronting me with the "truth" as they see it but I have not and will not give them the intimate facts of my beliefs or feelings when it comes to "the truth". My parents, I feel, were doing what they were convinced was best. uh hemmmm they don't even remember if or not I was ever baptized! The only reason for considering it was to win some form of acceptance from them! It has been over 25 yrs since stepping into a kingdom hall. and still the jw demons linger! do not subject your children (daughter)to the insanity; when mine expressed her individuality as I had also attempted as a teenager, we were labeled 'demonized' after all, what other explanation could their be? (according to jw family). Create your own circle of friends and new family and keep the jw family at arms length. Be kind to them do not give them any information so they feel they must condemn you and your children. Keep things on your terms and where you are comfortable. I wish you happiness...

What do I tell my mother?

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