My mother says I should just DA already.

by Julia Orwell 50 Replies latest jw experiences

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  freemindfade

  I say don't DA, don't give them the satisfaction. Stay in and live your life however you want. Do it your way not theirs
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  Vanderhoven7

  Jerome, How do you know what Jesus Christ said or taught apart from the Bible?

  BTW, whether or not you consider all or no religious organizations as cults, some are clearly more dangerous than others.
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  nonjwspouse

  Is it unreasonable to say just stop communicating with the members of the JW? Or communicate only with those who do not pressure or judge or guilt you? Play by your rules. They only have power when you give it to them. It seems like making an "official" watchtower move like DA is unnecessarily playing by their rules.
  

  But, I have no personal experience. This is just my non-expert, outside opinion.
  
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  Oubliette

  Hi Julia,

  Moving on is important, but being a JW will always be a part of who you are now.

  Personally, I wouldn't DA because that's still playing by their rules. But that's just me. Many here have and said that gave them closure.

  That being said, I really do believe that seeing a counselor is a great idea. It helped me. It is hard to find one familiar with ex-cult members, but if they're really good at helping people they can still help you. I worked with one for about a year. I gave him Steven Hassan's book to read (I recommend Releasing the Bonds) and that helped him to help me.

  Best wishes, 

  Oubliette
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  Separation of Powers

  Julia,

  Firstly, I am sorry that you are having a hard time.  Based on some of your past submissions, it is obvious that the cultish nature of this religion has really got a hold of you.  I would suggest, as some already have, that you see a counselor, and no, it doesn't have to be someone that specializes in cults.  It may be that you have to address other issues that are the underlayment of why the ORG affects you so much.  You mention that you did not do well at the job where your mother works, and then you attribute some of that to the ORG's affect over your life.  Speaking to a counselor will help you get to the root of that aspect of your personality that is sabotaging you.  We all have something that affects our decision, our effort, our perspective.  Please find someone that will help you address it.  Ultimately, we have to move on.  We are responsible for ourselves, our actions, our happiness.  If the ORG is truly the cause of your distress, then their influence on you in unhealthy and unproductive.  You need some help in addressing how to let go of that grip.  It is similar to a romantic relationship that goes bad.....some move on with the idea that there are plenty of fish in the sea, others are consumed by the break up....I would expect most counselors could help address that sort of issue.  Good luck.

  
  
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  blondie

  What would DA'ing change that walking away doesn't accomplish?  My husband and I have been out 12 years, my husband had stepped aside just 6 months before as an elder that and I had stopped meetings for 6 months.  For awhile the elders made pretend visits each CO visit and memorial time.  They have not been here for 3 years.  Most of my jw family have died and the rest had been unofficially shunning us years b efore we left.  Emotionally we have faced what they are and what to be.  We have found a "new" family that cares about us not because we are jws or blood.

  If you are married to a jw, it could make it worse, especially if you have children.  We left together, our marriage is evenbetter  than before without the jw stress, and no children.

   Each of us come from different places.  I did not want to play the WT game.  We see some jws from time to time, we smile and say hi, some return that, others run away (the ones who have the same sick secrets).

  I have stopped doing the comments every week, it is much better.  I do like coming here and seeing some ex-jws from time to time.  But I have found better things that left me up.  We travel and camp and I love the outdoors...beats any KH on earth. 

   
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  Odrade

  When I was newly out, somebody on this board said: "I am not above using their own stick to beat them with." I immediately adopted the phrase for my own emotional well-being. It changed how I thought about DA'ing. 
  
  Ultimately, I never did, because I ended up not really needing it, but I gave myself permission to do it if I needed it. It was definitely on the table for me. 12 years out, I sometimes wish I had done it early on, because I ended up cutting ties after suffering through years of my father preaching to me, until I had a bit of a mental meltdown this year and ended up in counseling. It's possible it would have saved me a lot of grief and time.
  
  DA'ing is more than just making a statement. It can be closure. Your questioning means they don't want you in their club unless you follow all their rules. But even though they don't want you, the unstated reality is they always have an intention to drag you back. You have made the circumstances in your life that they never get the opportunity, but THEY still have that intention. It's like an undercurrent that never stops. 
  
  If you are the kind of person who has to book-end your life events, you may need the explicit closure that DA'ing can provide. If you really feel like you can walk away and not need to use/subvert their rules, then it could be that your emotional energy would be better spent in other ways. 
  
  You may or may not need it, but you can have it if you want.
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  Xanthippe

  If it helps when my husband and I DA'd we didn't think of it as following their rules we thought of it as resigning, I think that's what we said in our letter. We simply left an organisation we worked for / belonged to and no longer wanted to work for or belong to.
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  under the radar

  Odrade makes some really good points.

  If there was an honorable way to simply resign from the organization, many would have done so long ago.  In some ways, it's like being in the Mafia.  Once in, you can never leave... alive, anyway.  With a few aberrant examples, JW's don't actually kill you when you want to leave.  But they consider you as good as dead, and even families are supposed to have as little contact with you as possible.
  

  The closest thing to an honorable departure, it seems, is to DA yourself once you come to the conclusion that the Society is not "God's organization," is teaching falsehoods, is guilty of false prophecy, or for any number of other reasons you don't want to be associated with this group.  But it will be considered an honorable departure only by you, and perhaps your true friends who understand and accept your reasons for doing so.  The Society and "good" JW's will vilify you and label you "apostate," and we know how apostates are viewed and treated, even by family members and former friends who are still in.

  Some view DA'ing oneself as making a point, drawing a line that says from here on I do not consider myself a JW and do not wish to be viewed as supporting or associated with the organization in any way.  Sort of a punctuation in one's life.  Others consider it as "playing by their rules," saying you have no obligation to cooperate with their procedures or communicate with them to any degree regarding your viewpoints or actions.  Both sides have valid points and neither is necessarily correct for any particular circumstance.  There is no "one size fits all."  Each person has to decide for oneself the best approach to take, and need not explain or defend it to anyone else.

  I am neither DA'd nor DF'd, but my family and friends all know that I do not consider myself a JW and will never return to being one.  I have not formally DA'd myself because, as it is, very few totally "shun" me and several maintain contact as they always have.  I would lose that contact if anything "formal" happened, whether by DA'ing myself or being DF'd by the congregation.  So in my case, leaving things as they are works out for the best.

  I think real conflict within oneself arises when you realize you don't believe the "Truth" anymore but have to go through the motions for whatever reason.  It shouldn't be that way.  You should be able to resign from the organization just like you can resign from a job and keep your family and friends intact.  But it doesn't work that way.  The Society uses fear, coercion, and emotional blackmail to keep people locked in when they long to be free.  That is no better than when religions of the not-so-distant past made converts at the point of a sword.
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  sparrowdown

  Hey Julia, there is a Cult Counseling Centre in Melbourne. The guy who runs it is Raphael Aron. I don't know what services they offer, but you can google them to find out more.