Hi everyone, I am new to this site. This whole last week has been sheer torture for me and I am trying to understand what happened. I have been dating a Witness for a little over two months now. We were deeply in love and when I say deeply, I mean we were talking about getting married down the road. He is currently going through a divorce, something I realize that is not particularly condoned in the religion, but the elders in the church said they understood and would not ex-communicate him. I do not want to give too much background into his story, in case his soon-to-be ex wife comes here or he does. My now ex has been through a ton of pressure these last few months. Right after we met, he was laid off his job. He has been putting out resumes left and right since that time, but has only been able to land a temp job. He is trying to keep from losing his house, going through his divorce, money issues, etc., etc. I have stood behind him 100% and even when he started vascilating back and forth about not being sure if he should try to make the marriage work for his kids' sake, though he says he was miserable for the last 6 years of the marriage, regardless, I put my own hurt aside and supported him in any way I could, because I loved him. We have been doing this long distance and that has been hard enough, but then all the added stress got to be too much for him I guess. I knew me not being a Witness was a bit of an issue for him, but we always promised we would never try to change the other and respect each others' beliefs. He was unlike any man I had ever met - my dream come true. He still is. Then just out of nowhere, his personality changed almost overnight. I was out to see him last weekend, a weekend we were both very much needing and looking forward to and that weekend, he was just so cold and distant from me. I tried to rationalize it was because of the horrendous stress he is under, but it only got worse. He became cocky, sarcastic and did everything he could to push me away and hurt me. He said cruel things to me, accused me of behavior that I never did. He brought up the blood issue, something I only had learned of earlier that week and said he could never marry a woman who did not believe in that like he did and that if he ever found out that I had given a child of ours a transfusion, he would hate me forever and never forgive me. He went on and on about how I was supposedly this and that (all his excuses were completely fabricated) and kept throwing religion into it. For the record, I do not follow any one doctrine, but I am an extremely spiritual person with a deep love/connection with God. He always understood and respected this and always told me how touched he was by the beauty he saw in my love for Him. His whole personality has changed in all this and even his roommates told me they have had it with him and are ready to move out. They have been appauled by his behavior and when I told them before leaving that he broke up with me, they were totally upset. They have always told me that I was the best thing that ever happened to him. I was always raised that when two people love each other, no matter what the differences, that their love should be enough. My God is a God of love, not a God of hate or a God that says, you have to be this or that religion for me to lvoe you. I've never understood anything else. The only difference in opinion I ever had with him was over the blood issue, but I was never even given time enough to formulate a final opinion, since he dumped me only mere days after he told me about it. Can anyone help me to understand? Am I missing something? I still love this man and I know that he deeply love me. We had planned on spending the rest of our lives together, having a family of our own, etc. I am completely devastated and trying to understand. Thank you.
Please help! Non Witness needs advice as to what went wrong w/Witness ex
by AngelofEventide 27 Replies latest social relationships
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talesin
Angel
Welcome!
you said *I knew me not being a Witness was a bit of an issue for him*
Well, actually it is a HUGE issue.
Maybe the change in him has something to do with the time of year.
On April 4, the JWs will celebrate 'the Memorial' of Christ's death. This is the only holiday they hold, the only celebration (except for weddings & anniversaries) they are allowed.
At this time of year, the pressure on JWs is incredible. They are reminded of their duty to be a JW 24-hours a day, 7 days per week.
His religion affects every facet of his life - he is not supposed to be dating outside his faith. If he does not have proof of adultery, he will not be allowed to remarry, and will be excommunicated if he does.
If you have children, he will let them die rather than give them a blood transfusion. They MUST be raised JWs. He must attend 'church' 3 times per week for a total of 5 hours. He must go door-to-door witnessing on a regular basis.
Furthermore, there will be no Christmas, birthdays, Easter, Hallowe'en, Independence Day or any other holiday or celebrations permitted.
If he DOES marry you, he will be considered 'spiritually weak' by the congregation because he married a 'worldly' person. The other JWs will never stop trying to convert you, and they will never 'celebrate' his choice in a wife unless you convert.
"Worldly" means that you are controlled by Satan, you are demonized. They really believe this!!!
Well, that's just for starters, there are lots of personal stories on this forum. Click on the 'search' feature and type in a keyword to find stories of others in your situation.
I'm so sorry you are hurting so badly right now, but as an ex-JW, raised in the 'faith' my only advice is,
RRRRRRRUUUUUUUUUUNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN!!!!!!!!!!!!
talesin
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Insomniac
I'm sorry for the pain you are feeling right now. People going through a divorce are often very emotional, swinging from highs and lows from one minute to the next. This is why it is generally better to wait a suitable period of time after the divorce, before you date them.
When I first met my boyfriend, there was an instant attraction for both of us, but he was still reeling from a bad breakup with a woman he had dated. I told him that it was not a good idea for us to date, until he'd had a chance to get on his feet emotionally. I really respected that he agreed with me, and we did not contact each other for 2 months. I mean, he had loved this woman, no matter that she was not worthy of his love, and he owed their relationship the respect of a decent mourning period before he began something new with me. Also, he respected me too much to try to begin a relationship with me while he was still hurting from the one with her; he wanted to give me his full heart.
It is possible that your boyfriend is feeling conflicted by the fact that he is still someone's husband. Perhaps, if this man is as perfect a match for you as you believe he is, the two of you will sort through things, he'll get his divorce so that he will be free to date, and you'll have a happy life together. As it stands now, though, he's a married man who likes to act single. Ask yourself how you would feel if you were his wife, and someone better came along. A man who loves you, and respects the history he has with his wife, will wait until he is single before he tries to begin a new relationship with you.
I am not unsympathetic to your pain, but these are the facts as I've learned them. Best of luck to you both.
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AngelofEventide
Thank you so much for replying. I guess I'm a little confused. I thought this was the offical JW website, but I guess it's a "survivor's" site? So you're an ex JW. I truly fear for my ex's sanity. Can you tell me how you got out it? Did you just come to your senses? If there was anything I could do to help my ex see the light, I would do it. Some of the bizarre beliefs that came out of him were so odd. He has been a witness since he was 8, so does that mean that since he was not born into it, he has a chance to escape? He does not go to the hall three times a week, he calls in once a week on Sundays, because something in the hall give him terrible allergies. He did the door to door thing but not recently, it was many years ago and he says he has never tithed, which I find weird, since I was told they will ex-communicate you if you don't tithe. If there were anyway I could "save" him, I would try if I could, because I too feel like he is completely brain-washed. Can you give any advice? I do not plan on going back to him, nor will I let my child die for lack of a transfusion. But if I knew he was out of it for good and would never go back, I would consider.
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William Penwell
Believe me when I say this is coming from a person that has been around the religion most of his life. I will give you the same advise I gave another poster here a few days ago. If you are not prepared to be converted to a JW and he is not willing to leave the religion, forget it. You are only opening yourself up for years of heart aches. Your BF first priority is to the religion, you come second in his life. Sounds to me that he is getting pressure form the local elders and he is being made to feel guilty about dating a "worldly" person. The religion teaches one to feel guilty about everything. They are not allowed to experience any guilt free enjoyment. Actually I have just gone through this myself but with someone from another faith. Their love is very conditional.
All the best to you,
Will
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talesin
Angel,
Each person's experience of JW is different. Anyone can leave, many here were raised in it. I was myself. I still wonder where I got the strength to leave, sometimes, but I guess freedom was just too important to me. If he is irregular in his attendance, perhaps he is having doubts about his faith. It would make sense that this time of year would raise his guilt level, thus the strange behaviour.
The training is rigorous, the mind control is great. There are books he could read, one is called "Crisis of Conscience" by Raymond Franz, a former member of the "Governing Body of Elders" of the Society. There are many good references on this forum, check the 'Links' section for info. There is a wealth of information on the internet, both on this forum and many other places, where he can research the doctrinal evidence that the JW does NOT follow the Bible, and that they have contradicted themselves many times over.
It is quite a healing process once you leave, and leaving the baggage of JW behind takes a lot of work, and usually, some time as well.
If his family is JW, and he leaves, they will shun him. It differs from region to region, and from family to family, but usually this entails his family members and all his friends treating him as if he is dead. They do not speak to or associate with those who leave, considering them as 'a dog returning to its vomit'. Nice picture, huh? It's a life-changing decision to leave JW, but MANY HAVE.
There is always a chance, but as I say, it is a hard road.
Also, they don't practice tithing, although they are strongly 'encouraged' to give donations to the organization on a regular basis. They raise money through the door-to-door witnessing as well.
I am a believer that love can conquer all, but this is a biggie. If you have truly said goodbye, you may be saving yourself a lot of pain and heartache if you just leave it at that. But you say you love him dearly, so...
On the other hand, you may want to do a bit of research yourself, and then talk to him, ask him if he wants to leave it. Maybe all his lashing out at you was just because he is confused and afraid of what his life will be like if he leaves the JW. It can be pretty scary if you were raised in it, and at age 8 I would consider that not 'born in', maybe, but definitely 'raised in'.
You are right, he may be *completely brainwashed*. The only advice I would give in a situation like this is, learn all you can, then 'go with your gut'. Make sure you know what you are getting into before you take that step.
I wish you the best, and like I said earlier, take a look around, read other people's stories. Others here can give you a lot more specific points to think about.
There is support here for you, lots of folks understand what you are going through.
take care, and best of luck with it,
talesin
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asleif_dufansdottir
My husband became a JW after we married, so I know what it is like to be the "unbelieving wife" (a whole different ballgame than being an 'unbelieving husband, which are much more common).
Being the non-JW wife of a JW is hellish. Has he told you that JWs teach that the man is the woman's "husbandly owner"? Yes, really.
Run far and fast and don't look back. It doesn't matter how much you love him, or he loves you. Trust me on this.
My husband is no longer a JW. We've been married almost 22 years, but if he told me tomorrow that he was going back I'd divorce him immediately. Seriously. It's just not worth it. It's a life of pretty much unrelenting emotional pain...a whole lot like you described his recent behavior.
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Panda
RUN....RUN FAST... Unless you want to reserve a place on an analysts couch you need to forget this relationship. AND something to think about is that while he was dating you he felt like "a bad boy." If you were intimate, knowledge of this could lead to his disfellowshipping (being shunned). You don't need the baggage this guy will drag into your life.
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avishai
OK, I'm sorry for what you went thru. But Here is what says it all.
He is currently going through a divorce
He's REBOUNDING!!!!! WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU THINKING?????? JW Or Not, C'mon. Plus, he has KIDS!!!!! Did you date him when he was seperated or what?
Sorry. I don't know how old you are. If young, it's cool. But divorced, or not. And a JW? You don't wanna deal w/ someone coming out of a cult. I know. I was intolerable. And so is most everyone. Their views are so twisted, anyone w/ no clue is lost and hurt. Run. And don't deal w/ rebound situations.
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Rabbit
Hi Angel,
What Talesin said about being excommunicated (JW's call it Disfellowshiping) if he remarries can be true. I am living with this threat over my head -- right now. My X wife is still a Witness, she left and then divorced me, the Elders told her she had no 'scriptural grounds' to separate or divorce. This is something you need to ask him about...is he scripturally 'free' to re-marry?
Why...?
Because in this stupid religion I was in for 35 years...even tho' I was innocent in the breakup ( I had not been violent, abusive or commited adultry...) it is "Catch-22" , If I re-marry, because I am not "Free" to re-marry according to the JW's, I can be disfellowshiped. After 7 years alone, I did remarry about 6 months ago, it was very public, but, one call to the Elders could get me DF'd -----^, This is a very big deal, right now, I am being shunned by almost all my JW family for simply getting married to a non-witness. if I DO get DF'd it will be forever -- unless I go back and let them control me again, that will not happen.
The sad thing is I could not even date a Witness woman, me not being 'free', the person I would date or marry would also be DF'd !!!
There is no end to this vicious cycle -- except to fade away like I did or drop out suddenly -- as long as you get out!
Disfellowshiping means, NO Witness can talk to you or associate with you in any way, this includes your children, friends, relatives and even your very parents! There are some special emergency exceptions, please read around on this forum and you will find far too many very, very sad stories of entire families being broken up, because of this asinine rule and there have been many when they were 'shunned' (DF) that committed suicide...and there are many other losses as well.
This is a very big deal to him, especially if he has close friends & relatives that are JW's. With me the heartbreak never ends, being shunned by your children cuts and hurts me very deep.
Things you (he) can be DF'd for:
Disagreeing with the WTS in any way, taking blood, voting, marrying outside his faith and lots of others.
Get this -- If he is not 'free to re-marry and marries you, he JW's consider your wedding bed as a bed of adultry. He'll be disfellowshiped !
I know ... hard to believe...ask him !
Good Luck, Angel