by Lady Lee 40 Replies latest watchtower medical
That's very interesting Lee. So it is possible to store the memory of an event in places other than the mind? It would seem to me that would be a good counter to the False Memory argument.
To this day my thighs are tight and warm to the touch. Sometimes when I'm in a bad spot, they will actually turn red and become very warm, almost like a sunburn.
The human body is a fascinating thing.
I think we are moving towards a better understanding of the body/mind connection. Still have a long way to go though.
A lot of therapists are using massage and body work to help people deal with their memories.
Guess you have to be comfortable with touch for that though - which I am not - in a situation like that
Hi Lady Lee and Big Tex, I find this post extremely interesting, as I have memory problems related to my abuse. For a long time, I would be very uncomfortable around trucks with campers, and couldn't figure out why this would cause such anxiety. It wasn't until I started figuring out some of the missing pieces that it came to me that one of the times I was molested was in a truck with a camper. I still have the majority of my memories "blocked", for lack of a better word. When I began talking to my sister Xandria again, a lot of it came rushing back, as she remembered many things that I thought I had forgotten. I began to remember events, such as discussing the molestation with my other sister, R~, at about six years of age, and remember her vehemently denying that it had happened. I still do not remember the events as they happened, but I can recall what happened directly before and directly after the events. I have flipped out several times, without knowing why, just after hearing, smelling or seeing something that triggered intense feelings of fear, or shame. When I was fifteen I was sent to a county-run mental health hospital, and diagnosed as bi-polar, but I don't feel that I am, and have never needed medication to function normally. I don't know the point of this, just rambling I guess. I'm really confused about all this. I know something happened, and I know it was more than one occasion, but the rest is all just a fog. Thanks for your posts, It has given me a lot to think about.
~Tamar
Tamar glad if some of the info is helpful. Too few people understand the nature of regular memory. Traumatic memory is a whole new level.
What you describe - the before and after memories are very common for some people. And anxieties as you describe are pretty nomal. They can make a person feel very crazy when you don't have anything to attach the anxiety to. Then you get a memory and it all makes sense.
Take it slow and be gentle with yourself
Thanks Lady Lee, I've been in a major funk lately, and this has been weighing heavy on my mind. The desire to know the details has become almost an obsession, and the frustration has just kept mounting. I keep getting worried that if these memories come back with full clarity, I won't be able to handle it and it will ruin my life. This has been such a long standing fear, that some times I worry that is what's getting in the way of progress. I will try my best to take it easy, and let it come when the time is right. Thank you so very much!
lol I used to have a closet in my office. It was behind a chair and rarely used. When people would tell me they were afraid to remember because they thought they would be such a mess they wouldn't be able to go home I would point to the door and let them know they could look. It wasn't filled with people who couldn't go home.
If we had the strength to live through it when we were little and had no support at all then we are strong enough to remember it as an adult with some support.. The fear is the child's fear - that the child lived with every day. But we are an adult and we know the danger is no longer in front of us. It is in the past.
And just like trying to remember someone's name you know but can't think of - so too with memories you try to recapture - they become elusive.
Allow yourself to relax when you are ready. There are some great techniques to use when you are ready for another memory. Respect the process and your mind's ability to know how much you - the adult can take.
I've yet to hear of anyone going crazy from remembering. We usually do that when we fail to remember and keep getting abused.
Respect and honor your strength. Look at a picture of yourself when you were small. And remember how strong she was to survive.
The strength is still there
Yes, I think I am still stuck in "frightened-little-Tamar" mode. Sometimes I just get paralyzed by fear, and have to ask myself, "why are you afraid?". I feel ruled by fear sometimes, even though I know it's irrational. Of course, no one knows this about me (except Xandria), everyone in my life thinks I "have it together". That adds to the fear for me sometimes, because I feel like, if people really knew what went on in my head, they'd think I was a total nut! Thanks for you last post, made me cry with hope.
maybebabies
How awful for you. No wonder you repressed the original memory. My memories didn't come flooding back against my will. One or two blips surprised me, but the rest I had to drag out of the mud. It was a real effort.
LL is right though, take it slow and don't push yourself. What will come out is what is supposed to.
(( Maybe's )) 
Things will get better.. you have come so far in a short time. I think some things have set you free from certain things. An others add another demension to the situations. The one thing I kept asking myself was why.. and unfortunately.. the answers were never forth coming. So, it is going to take time to come to terms with certain things.
One step at a time. When you are ready you will be able to handle other things. Each step is a step foward even if you don't feel it. 
I think the reason, I really couldn't write "my" story is because it is more our story. There are many different aspects, persepectives and views to the issues. My story~ comes from the perspective of being the older sister, having a different father than my sisters and brother.
I have a longer history and my sisters were raised in my shadow( after my father took me and this cause an emotional withdrawal for my mother~ in the relationship with my sisters. She loved them but the family dynamics were stressed due to a fear of another loss.I also think that helped push her over the edge more too. She was filled with pain and I was the "ghost" sister that R barely remembered and Maybe's never met until she was 5 years old( Mom was pregnant with her when my father took me.) (Remember the S~ doll ~ Tay ? ( It was an antique doll that resembled me as a child, mom would have it sit in a child rocker in the living room. I guess in some way it comforted her~ because she did not know where I was. Mom would tell my sisters stories about me, but I was not really real to them until I came back.) and witnessing my abuse after I did "return" did not help either.
I think also that things were so overwhelmingly traumatic that the only way to survive was to bury it. Even now~ I have dreams that are so real and I wake up shivering. I know they are real~ but because they are from a child's view it is disorientating. You must remember we are much more lower to the ground as kids and everything is much more bigger.. so it is more frightening.
Once I awake.. I start taking deep breaths and then grab my journal by the bed and scribble it down. Then try relaxing back to sleep. Once I get up in the morning I look at it. That may helpput some perspective on a scary dream or memory.
Love ya.
X.
Thanks Big Tex, for your support. It means a lot to me! And thanks Xan, for just being my sister and being here for me. I remember that doll, mom used to just hold it and sing and cry, and we never quite knew what was going on. Then, we never knew why she treated you so bad when you came back, because it seemed that all she wanted in the world was to have you back! When you left again, I think she was pressured by my father to just never talk about you, and he went a long way to make sure the rest of us kids thought you were some kind of evil person. I'm so glad I got to know you again as an adult, and know that it was all lies!!!! I think that's part of the reason mom didn't stand up for us when we were being molested, because it was almost like all her children were dead to her now, thanks to dad. They were so wrapped up in their own misery together, it was like we didn't even exist!!! I love you, Xan, thanks for everything!!! ((((Xan))))
