(Warning, rant enclosed) I feel like my brain is turning to mush.....

by razorMind 23 Replies latest jw friends

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  razorMind

  I'm sick of my job, sick of the city I'm living in, sick of most of the people who surround me daily.

  Like a lot of folks here, I was "encouraged to find education within Jah's service" discouraged from seeking further education whilst being raised in The Troof. Were it up to my father, I probably wouldn't have been permitted to attend regular public school, grades K through 12, much LESS college---education was that much maligned in my family.

  I've been "non-participating JW" since about age 24; only been mentally free for about 3 years. I'll be 33 in a couple of weeks. I feel like my brain is wasting away, and I just can't get up the nerve to go to back to school. Nobody around me seems to have any interests outside of shopping, gossiping, getting drunk, going to nightclubs. Nobody seems to know anything, and they seem to be just fine with that. This includes all age groups, not just "the young people." I practically live in our local library, and love to read books on all sorts of subjects. But I can't discuss any of them with any friends or acquaintances because nobody ever knows what I'm talking about. The few who might are so conceited and arrogant (and sad to say, prejudiced--perish the thought of a "colored" gal who can match minds with THEM!) with their knowledge that I avoid them like the plague.

  I'm tired of always feeling like an alien. I'm tired of always having to explain why I'm reading this or that book, explaining "why" I feel the need to know more about Mayan history or court life in ancient China and on and ON. I'm tired of getting turned-up noses when I want to try Indian food, or express my interest in someday vacationing in Alaska and seeing whales, versus hitting the club/bar circuit in Cancun or Las Vegas (really irritating conversation that I won't get into). There is SO much more in the world I want to learn about. And I DON'T KNOW HOW TO GET THERE.

  Most of the intense anger I used to feel at my parents has simmered down. But I find myself incredibly irritated at my co-workers now, more than I used to. I just hear the stupid, ignorant conversations around me and I just get pissed off. There are a couple that I'd befriended and even considered close friends, but then they start to annoy me so much with their narrow- and close-mindedness/lack of exposure that I find myself backing off. Then I feel guilty about doing that, and the cycle goes on and on.

  I'm 5 months pregnant now, so college is not in the near future right now that I can see. Equally daunting is the length of time I'll have to be going in order to get a degree. My job will pay 100% for up to 32 credit hours---and that just seems like such a God-awful long time to get a 4-yr degree. And then there's my choice of subject---I'd like to be some type of illustrator, something in the art field (but even then I'm STILL not sure about my choice of major)---and I can't guarantee that I won't have to move away somewhere else. My husband is already against us moving away anywhere. I just don't know.

  All I know is that these thoughts still come up from time to time. I'm concentrating on the baby right now, and getting things ready/prepared for him or her. But I will have to go back to making a living after he/she's born, and I already know that I don't want to do my current job for the rest of my life. I have already blown precious time (I worked here for 2 years, left for 6 mos. then came back a couple of months ago), and I don't want to do that again.

  What can I do now to keep learning and growing, even though I can't go to school right now? I read all I can. I don't know a lot about politics/world economics, for example; are there any good books someone can recommend "for dummies"? (I'm an innocent babe when it comes to subjects of this sort)

  Anyway, thanks for reading this far. I hope I don't sound too crazy. If it wasn't for this board, I wouldn't have done the healing I have accomplished. If it wasn't for my husband, and for the bright, witty folks on this board, I'd never hear/read any sort of intelligent, thoughtful conversation, period.
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  DJ

  Hey Razor,

  It's ok. Congrats on the bambino! Listen to me sweetie....having a baby changes alot of things that you can't even imagine. There isn't really any way to know how you will feel and change after your baby is born. My advice to you is from my heart and that is, just to focus on the baby now and try to enjoy your last few months alone with your hubby. You are not old....if, at some point after the baby arrives....you still desire an education then go for it! Just keep in mind that the most important job on the entire earth is the hand that rocks the cradle. It is a selfless, tiring, non-cash job but it is rewarding all of your days. If these mindless people bug you now.....lol.....wait til you have that baby.....then you will run from them and hide your kid too! All the best.....slow down and breathe deep. Savor this time now, even journal some of your thoughts. Pamper yourself NOW because once the bundle arrives, your life is very different. very.....different....did I say very? I meant VERY>>>> Congrats again!!!! love, dj
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  kgfreeperson

  razorMind--I know it is a cliche, but you are going to be 37 in 4 years whether or not you go to school! It's better to focus on the process than on the outcome when the time looks daunting. Lev Vygotsky (if you're not familiar with him, look him up; you'll love him!) argued that intelligence is developed through conversation--it is respectful interaction that allows us to understand and test our ideas and appreciate our own mental processes. So look for possibilities for conversations: does your local library have a book club? Do you have a Borders or Barnes and Noble nearby? (they often have book discussion groups). Check possibilites for continuing education at your local community college and/or high school. See if there is a Great Books group you could join. Oh, and check out the possibility of a "Philosophical Cafe" in your area--they are usually at bookstores, but call local colleges' philosophy departments to see if you can get a line. I'm realizing just now that I have not one clue where you live and these suggestions are all US. But I really understand the hunger for people who share your interests and that feeling that your brain is shrinking! Best of luck! (Oh, and if that is 100% for 32 credit hours per year that is a great deal and might be worth sticking around at that job for if you can't find another employer with that kind of tuition reimbursement benefit.)
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  Robdar

  Rayzormind,

  Congratulations on your baby and the changes that are about to occur in your life.

  Your story sounds familiar to me. When I was 22 I went to school full time, worked full time and still managed to find time to spend with my toddler. I had to really manage my time. Of course, I only did this for a year, but what a year it was.

  If I may make a suggestion, why not just take a few courses for now? You do not have to select a major yet. If you decide to take advantage of the education that your employer is offering to pay for, why not choose a subject that you enjoy? It is even better to pick one that you love. It will seem less of a chore going to school if you love going. Don't worry about whether your degree is going to be of benefit in the future. If you do what you love to do, the money will naturally follow.

  As far as being discouraged from finding an education by your father, are you sure that some of the nonsense that he threw at you over the years didn't stick? Are you sure that it is you that doesn't want to go to school? Maybe you're playing his tapes over and over in your subconscious and mistaking what he wants for what you want. Just a thought.

  You seem to be more eclectic and cerebral than most of your friends so, it seems natural to me that, sooner or later, you would have found them to be rather mundane and possibly boring. Not that there is anything wrong with the way they have a good time, it just isn't your cup of tea, right? Also, you and your husband are starting a family. No wonder you no longer feel connected. New friends will come eventually.

  The above is just a few thoughts and a couple of ramblings. I would never assume to tell you what to do with your life. Whatever your choices, I am sure that they will be the best ones for you at this time in your life. Don't forget to keep us updated.

  Robyn
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  wednesday

  congrats on the new baby. Motherhood is the most important job in the world. helping to direct the minds of the next generation.

  U may feel old, but u r not. I went back to college at 40 and got a degree. u have plenty of time. in the meantime, read. Read all the great book, read whatever strikes your fancy. That is education. Just b/c u are not getting credit for it does not mean it does not count. Education is so fun when u really want to learn. Your mind absorbs it like a sponge. perhaps u can find some friends at a bookclub, etc. seek out people who have like interests. Look for new experiences. Here in Dallas, we have a weekend guide to all kinds of activites. Look for cultural experiences, art exhibits, things like that.

  Life is great , yes?
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  COMF

  Hey, Raze,

  for what it's worth: even after I left JWs I continued making a living as a cleaning contractor, pulling in a gross income of between 24,000 and 33,000 annually depending on how hard I went at drumming up business. In 1990 at age 37 I decided to go to college. It was tough, but it was also exciting. I was a single parent with two teenagers living with me. I worked fulltime, evenings and weekends, stocking and sacking groceries at a local grocery store, because that was the only job I could find that would work around normal college scheduling.

  After I finished college, I started on my chosen career path. I had to start at the bottom, of course, in spite of my age, but I worked my way up. Now I'm doing something I chose to do because I love doing it, and I'm doing it for more money than I ever imagined I would be making, back when I was steaming carpets and emptying wastebaskets.

  Blessings on your desire to learn. May it bear you much fruit.
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  NAPPY ROOTS

  Very Happy for you and your upcoming bundle of joy.

  Higher education is not a priority for Jdubs. But you seem like a strong person and I know you can handle whatever come.

  I waited until I was 28 to go to college and then found myself pregnant with twins. I had to put my college plans on hold for a couple of years but eventually did go back. I haven't finished yet, I consider it a work in progress.

  Balance is the key. Find a way to balance your family, your job and your education. I wish you all the best.
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  RAYZORBLADE

  Love your username..., but seriously, I guess right now what you are faced is a bit of an epiphany of sorts.

  Baby will be along in a few months, and I sure hope all goes well with your health/baby's health, delivery and so forth.

  One thing at a time darling.

  You have the need to stimulate your mind, and I can tell from your posts, that will not be extinguished. Good, keep being a 'thinking' person, and read all you can about whatever suits your fancy.

  It's never too late to go back to school. I went back to college when I was 30. I used to think...'it's going to take me 2 years' ; then the 2 years went by, and I had a post-secondary education under my belt, and was able to prove to myself: I could do it.

  With a baby on its way, you'll have some time to consider what you'll do when the little one is of an age where you feel confident you can pursue 'higher education' and still be an adept Mom in every respect.

  There are part-time courses available at most universities and colleges, both here (Canada), the U.S.A. and probably the U.K., Australia and other parts of the world. Being that we live in a modern world, so much is available to us that was not before.

  I wish you the very best in everything there Razor Mind.

  I'm confident, when the time is right, you'll pursue your goals in a way that is beneficial for you and your family.

  Best wishes,
  Rayzorblade
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  Swickley

  RazorMind- I know where you are because I have been there too. Up until now, you have been merely existing -- not living your life to its fullest potential -- and not accomplishing the work you were meant to do ( = dissatisfaction). You are also about to enter a new world in which you will be responsible for molding a new precious life into a responsible adult. Although it is an ongoing project (raising children), please do not let it stop you from going forward with your education. Even if you are not sure what degree you wish to earn, go ahead and start taking classes -- it will come to you later.

  Getting your education is the best thing you can do for yourself, and your children. If you are feeling unfulfilled now, having a baby will not necessarily change this -- but you certainly will have many busy days and nights. Start making plans for your education now before the diapers and long nights arrive!

  Wishing you much success, and a healthy baby whose mom has found happiness and fulfulment through motherhood and higher learning. (once you have committed, don't let others discourage you -- they are not responsible for your happiness -- you are.)

  Swickley
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  Odrade

  Don't have any advice, but I do have a book recommendation. Let me preface it by saying, I assume you are in the US. (I know, that's presumptuous of me, but I notice that all you Britishers always state your country of origin, where the USers just assume it's the only place on earth. haha) I read this book a number of years ago, and it really seemed to paint a clear picture of American economic mentality. Entertaining too.

  "A Nation in Torment: The American Depression 1929-1939" by Edward Robb Ellis.

  Also loved this one: "Guns, Germs and Steel." Don't remember the author, but it's more historical politics. Very interesting read though.

  Odrade