Drifting what i've feared has started already... (page 2)

Crazyguy

tell them you have mental problems , you started using the brain and now you need to be left alone to deal with.

Sanchy

Hi Pale.Emperor,

Congratulations on opening your eyes and using your conscience. It's no easy task for indoctrinated JW's to allow themselves to see beyond what they are told to look at.

Each one of us "drifts" or fades differently, but it seems you've already taken the first big step in having not preached in half a year. You are now considered "inactive" and thus you will probably be receiving some "shepherding" calls from your elders, particularly come CO visit time.

You have a few options:

-You can tell them the truth about your conclusions, which will most likely result in your DF

-You can maneuver the system to your advantage to bend the truth of your thoughts. (for instance when ray franz was asked if he thought the GB was the "slave", he said "it could be") This might not guarantee you wont be DF, but if you play your cards right, you can get away as someone who has doubts, but is not an apostate.

-You can hide, switching congs and avoiding shepherding calls altogether, but this does not seem to be a realistic option for you.

Anyways, you can read my story here

A few months later, my wife also opened her eyes and posted her story here

tornapart

Same here Pale emperor. I've been fading for a few years now and only just recently became inactive. Hubby's an elder. However, I don't feel I owe anybody an explanation as to why I don't do certain things. If I'm asked for my report I just say I haven't got one. If I'm asked why I don't go to the meetings I just say I don't want to. It's a free country, I'm a free human being with free choices that God gave me. No one can make do anything I no longer want to do. I haven't lost my family, possibly because I've taken it slowly and they can see where I'm coming from, even if they don't agree with me. All it takes is to be quietly assertive.

Also, whatever you do, don't accept a shepherding visit. Say you'd rather not talk to anyone. No explanations, just say no thanks.

Jehalapeno

Completely ignore the text.

That is your best route.

In the name of Jehalapeño, Serrano, and the Holy Ghost Pepper, amen.

Drifting Away

Pale.empror, I am expecting the same kind of treatment with a call soon about wanting to get together and ask what is going on with me, but my response will just be " Yeh, I have some personal matters I am dealing with at moment, and If I need your help, I will contact you" Hopefully that buys you some more time.

Andy Dufresne

Hey Pale Emperor

I empathise with you a lot - I was in very much the same situation and with many the same thoughts.

"Manning up" and spitting it like it is isn't always a best solution if you want to avoid conflict IMHO. I agree with the idea that you DO need to tell elders to step off.... but there are ways and there are **ways** if you know what I mean. It does you no favours to come across aggressive unless you NEED to be, in my personal view.

If you want to leave AND preserve your family it is a VERY long and arduous process, as already said. Personally, I very much envy people who have been able to make a clean break.

Firstly, you need to understand the nature of the organisation. With an open mind, read Combatting Cult Mind Control by Steve Hassan. I think you can even get it on kindle. The 25th? Anniversary Edition is now out, and has extra info which you will find interesting to compare with how JW.Org is now developing online content.

See if your other doubts and criticism correlate at all with the examples & identifiers of cults (aka the BITE model) that Hassan presents. The very doubts you express in your OP are your starting point - IMHO they are all elements of control.

Next - **plan** your exit. Your fade/draw away must be gradual enough to not set alarms ringing if moving to a new town or DA'ing sin't an option.

Unless you UTTERLY trust your wife, DO NOT openly discuss your doubts because many JWs will immediately blow the whistle if they smell "apostasy". Remember that in the minds of some JWs even SPEAKING doubts is apostasy, not just SPREADING them.
You need to be clear in your own mind WHY you are fading, even if you don't use this info to explain it to other JWs.
RESEARCH RESEARCH RESEARCH. Truth stands up under investigation. It doesn't necessarily led to becoming an atheist either. But without "remaking you mind" by looking at BOTH sides you will never be sure and the "indoctrination" of meetings, assemblies etc will be more effective counteracting the expansion of knowledge you are allowing yourself.

Remember too that you might be labelled "weak". You are NOT the weak one. You are the strong one for facing to the challenge of proving the facts. It's far easier to give in and immerse yourself only in one point of view and suppress your own intelligence/ curiousity.

As you discover more about "TTATT" (the truth about the truth) you may find yourself conflicted and emotionally compromised. Many people go through grief stages including depression and anger. Again, depending on how much you trust your wife, be cautious how you vent these emotions.
Either way, you may wish to use any illness/anxiety/depression as a reason for your declining enthusiasm. This helps deflect prying JWs. Many offer to "help" - but this means re-convincing you of the "party line". Rather than putting a band aid over those doubts I'd suggest you pick at them...it's painful but a good way to get rid of any poisonous "puss" and heal/get your OWN understanding from a plethora of facts and viewpoints that are out there.

If your are chased by "well meaning" elders, tell them you are not in a fit state to discuss any issues/problems. Tell them you need time get your head around things. Tell them YOU know where THEY are - politely thank them for their interest and say YOU will be in touch if you need them. Softly softly. Withdraw from comments, "privledges", reduce service, say you're too unwell for talks & items. Miss meetings with gradually increasing frequency. You may find that a certain number of missed meetings/weeks is a "trigger point" for you group elder's "concerned" phone call. For me, it was 8 meetings missed in a row, so I'd make sure to be see every 7th meeting then made the gap longer and longer.

IMHO The MOST important thing is for you to start to build relationships, friendships, support networks NOW with good people who are non-JWs. You WILL need to vent to someone - although you can always do that here, or on several (secret) growing Facebook groups. This way too, if things come to a head and an entirely conflict-free fade isn't successful you will have means of emotional support if you do end up being shunned.

Sorry to ramble on - a long slow successful fade is VERY difficult. Be patient and be subtle if you truly want to keep you family.

You have my very best wishes.

pale.emperor

Thanks for the comments and support guys. I really appreciate it.

My wife is slowly beginning to see things clearly too. I haven't told her my thoughts or even hinting towards things i've written on here. I've just let her speak and I've listened. she said to me a few days ago:

"It's so annoying. I'm going through a REALLY hard time lately and no one cares - the only time my mum rings is when we dont go to the meetings. She pests us all day until we answer the phone just to ask why we didn't go. I mean, im 26yo. Im not a child. If i want to do something, or DON'T want to do something, that's up to me. It's like we're being CONTROLLED or TOLD what to THINK and BELIEVE. Yeah, i haven't been on the ministry in ages - but I've not claimed to be perfect. I dont say a word when someone doesn't go the hall or slips up. That doesn't make me a bad person. Why is everyone only interested in us when they think we've done something wrong?

And sister X, she gives all this advice about how to live a good life but she's never worked a day in her life. Her husband is well off and she spends her days shopping or on the ministry. She has no idea what it's like in the real world with real world problems."

This was music to my ears. Im gonna let her flower this thought process on her own and see where we are in a few months.

millie210

You are a wise man pale emporer. You are doing just fine and something tells me it is all going to work out smoothly for you and your wife both.

ToesUp

I agree with millie. You are gonna be fine. You sound like a really good person. Go slow even though you want to scream out everything you think and know.

Keep venting on here, it helps. So many have been right where you are now. It's tough. Hang in there. Keep us posted.

Giordano

#1. Do more things with your wife....... fun stuff and loving stuff...... pretend your partners in crime like getting out from under her parents control.

#2 If you can Move away from your present congregation into another that will not be as concerned if you guys miss meetings, service etc. and stop showing up. Put physical distance between you and your in laws.

#3 If pressed for an explanation say you have been stumbled by the Arc findings re pedophiles. The on-line information is apostate free. All evidence was given under sworn oath. Important JW's were interviewed and lied or used misdirection while under oath. Remind who ever your discussing this with that Jesus was very specific when he said 'Do not hinder the children'. The facts matter when it comes to sexual child abuse any abuse for that matter.

Drifting what i've feared has started already...

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